Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday.

And now after two years of lots and lots of dating and a divorce and several breakups, I’m sharing what I learned. If you like the podcast, please sign up for the Ask Elisa monthly newsletter at askelisapodcast.com and follow me on social media @askelisapodcast These are simple and free ways to show support for the show.

And I appreciate it so much. This dating 101, dating advice, episode is all about texting during the early stages of dating. I know a lot of people have very strong opinions about texting and there’s rules and there’s anxiety.

There’s just so much to talk about now that texting exists. It’s a new stressor when it comes to dating. So when you match with somebody on a dating app or somebody gives you their number, you get their number, but you haven’t gone out on a date yet.

How much should you text? Texting too little can make it seem like you’re not that interested or like they’re not interested, but texting too much can kind of create this false sense of intimacy and it can just cause you to build up who the person is. So you can have hundreds and hundreds of messages with someone you’ve never met. And then by the time you meet them, you’ve already created this entire picture of who they are.

And that might not actually have anything to do with reality. And you could end up disappointed, disillusioned, or you could still carry this false idea of who they are and end up in not the best situation of a relationship. So what do you do? Where’s the balance? You can set the pace.

You can choose the times of day that you want to spend texting back and forth. So you can do this like an hour before bed or in the afternoons when you get home from work, kind of depending on what your schedule is. Just think of a time of day where you can dedicate an hour or so to texting back and forth.

And that way you’re not doing that all day, all day long texting, which can be really tempting because it feels really good. You can also let them know like, Hey, I’m busy with work most of the day. I don’t text all day long.

And I like to make time for texting in the evening or before bed or whatever it is. And an understanding person will accept this reasonable boundary. If they respond by pushing back, like saying something, well, you must really not be that interested or, well, you must not really value connection.

That person’s showing you that they don’t respect boundaries and that’s a red flag. You should probably turn around and run away. So what can happen when you connect with somebody and you haven’t met yet is you can just keep texting and texting and texting and never actually end up meeting in person.

They become a pen pal. They become a texting buddy. Some people call this a textuationship, which I don’t really think flows very well, but I’ve also heard people call it a simulationship.

And I kind of love that. So it’s like you talk every day, you flirt, you share personal information and you kind of start developing feelings, but you’re not actually in a relationship and you’re not making time together to spend in person. So what are you doing? So what can happen nowadays with this new kind of constant unlimited access we have to each other with our cell phones is lots of digital intimacy, but not actual real built in person intimacy.

There’s another way that can be texting you regularly without ever meeting. That’s called breadcrumbing where they kind of just send you enough messages to keep you engaged, but don’t actually make any moves. So what can you do in these situations? If you want to meet them and spend time with them and you want to get to know them in person, just make that clear.

Because sometimes they are actually just really shy and nervous and can’t really get themselves to make a move. Sometimes they just don’t even realize that they’re breadcrumbing you. So you can just speak up.

Here’s a text you can send them. I’m enjoying getting to know you over text, but I’d also like to spend time to get to know each other in person. Would you like to meet up? So if this doesn’t result in them immediately making plans to hang out and things don’t really change, you can send them this text message.

I’m not interested in a texting only relationship. I’ve made an effort to meet up in person, but it doesn’t seem like you’re up for it. Thank you for your time and I wish you the best.

And then here’s the important part. Do not keep texting them. If you need to, you can block them.

But hey, if you like having an emotional support texting buddy and you want to keep the simulationship, you can. Just know that it’s not likely going to move on to anything else. Sometimes it can be nice to have that kind of relationship with somebody.

All right. So say you’ve gone on a few dates. How often should you text during the early stages of actually dating? So people have different communication styles.

And if you don’t have the same kind of texting style, it can lead to a lot of anxiety. So if you are in a place where you can talk about your texting style with this person, you can ask like, Hey, what kind of texter are you? What’s your texting style like? And you guys can have a discussion about what your expectations are, what you like, what you don’t like, and hopefully you can set the pace together. If you are anxious about whether they like you or not, and based on the fact that they, maybe they’re not texting as much as you’d like, there are three questions you can ask yourself.

One, are they making the effort to schedule time in person and following through? Two, are they consistent? Not constant, consistent. Are they regularly checking in, in between dates? And three, do their words and actions align? Are they saying things that match how they’re behaving? And also, are the things they’re saying appropriate for the amount of time you’ve known them? So this is where you want to kind of watch out for love bombing. Are they texting you constantly and they’re texting you about how great you are and complimenting you all the time? That’s a little bit of a red flag.

It’s fine to say I’m excited to get to see you again. I like you. But if they’re starting to just obsessively compliment you, swoon over you, talk about future, that’s a red flag.

Early dating should not be automatically in love. If you are that kind of person and you’re excited and you want to shower love on somebody, just keep those thoughts on the inside and maybe talk to your friends instead of telling that person. So if you answered yes to these three questions, congratulations! They are most likely very much interested in you.

If you get anxious about the way that they’re interacting with you, the amount they’re texting you, just ask yourself, are they making plans? Are their plans to see each other again in person? If the answer is yes, relax. They’re interested. I really think that texting in the early stages of dating should be limited just like I said before in the time before you meet.

There are two main reasons for this. One, you’re still getting to know this person. You need to learn how they behave and interact in the world, the real world.

If you’re texting a ton all day long but only seeing each other like every week or every two weeks, you’re kind of getting an imbalance of words and actions, so it’s hard to know what they’re really like. And the other reason that I think you should take it slow in texting in the early stages of dating is because your brain, your brain needs time away from the person to recalibrate, to understand your feelings about them. If you’re constantly communicating with this person that you are interested in, that you basically have a crush on, your brain is getting those happy chemicals constantly, so it needs a break to adjust to reality.

All right, so now let’s talk about the good morning and good night texts. Some people see these as really sweet, as intimate, and other people see them as performative or unnecessary. And you’re probably not surprised that I don’t think they’re necessary.

I also don’t think that they say anything about the person’s interest in you. It is so easy to send a quick message that says good morning or a quick message that says good night. There’s no effort in that.

This person could be doing that to three other people or five other people. You might think, oh how sweet, they’re thinking about me when they wake up and they’re thinking about me when they go to bed. Big deal.

Most people think about the person they have a crush on or they’re dating several times throughout the day. So I just caution you to consume these texts with understanding that they don’t really hold a lot of specific value to them because there’s no way to really know what the person means by them. Whether or not you’re getting them doesn’t tell you how they feel about you.

They’re pointless honestly. Another thing that people might do over texting is send voice notes, voice messages. They can make some people uncomfortable, some people might not be comfortable sharing them, some people might like getting them.

Again, it’s one of those things that if you feel strongly about it, you can talk about it with that person and you can share what your preferences are. Same thing goes for talking on the phone. Some people think talking on the phone is romantic.

Some people absolutely hate it and are awkward and think it’s weird. I am a true millennial when I say I’m not really a big fan of talking on the phone. I don’t talk on the phone with many people at all.

So again, just talk about it, share your preferences. So let’s talk a little bit about the anxiety that comes along with texting. When you see that the text has been read or the text has been delivered and you’re wondering why they haven’t responded, it can create a lot of anxiety.

Also, when you add in the fact that you can like see their social media and see well they’re doing this, they’re on their Instagram, they posted so they must be on their phone, they know must have seen the text. Just take a step back and think what is this anxiety over? Are you worried that they’re not interested or that they’re losing interest? Again, remember if you are making plans with them and they’re following through, if they’re consistent, relax. If you find yourself overly anxious about not hearing back, just find a way to distract yourself like talk to your friends, find something fun to do for yourself, or if you keep a journal or something, just write out your feelings.

If you’re comfortable, again, you can just talk to that person and let them know that not hearing back for a while can make you feel anxious and maybe they’ll be considered about that in the future. Maybe they’ll send you a text like, hey, I’m gonna be away from my phone for a while or I’m gonna be busy doing this thing and they can let you know so that they can kind of help you not feel so anxious. All right, so let’s talk about texting rules.

I bet you can guess how I feel about these. I think they’re stupid. Like double texting.

Why has sending a second text become such a disgrace? I heard a woman say once that she’d die before she double text a guy and I could say like if that’s how you feel, then don’t do it, but the truth is if someone likes you, they’re not going to care if you send two or more texts in a row. There’s a lot of shame around like appearing too eager, but if a person’s interested in you, they’re gonna like that you are interested in them too and if somebody receives two texts in a row from you and thinks, wow, oh my god, they double texted me, what a loser, then that person is a judgmental idiot and they don’t deserve you. So I say just who cares about double texting, triple texting, you do you.

The same thing with any kind of time bound rule like you should wait three hours or five hours or a day or whatever to text somebody back. Stop worrying about not looking eager. It’s just so silly.

If you have a genuine connection that’s worthy of building on, the person is not going to care. On the contrary, they’d probably actually like it when you text back right away. So texting has pretty much given us unlimited access to each other and that’s kind of a new, a new thing in dating and a new potential romantic partner is not entitled to you 24-7 and you are not entitled to them 24-7.

Please focus on the same things in your life that you focused on before you met this person. Keep living your life and then be authentic and genuine in your communication and your interactions with this person. Another thing is that texting has allowed for people to just pop back into our lives.

So you know those people that maybe they brought come to you years ago and they just pop back up on your phone and they’re like, hey stranger. Ew, I hate that. It’s so gross.

If someone who hasn’t, who was, if somebody wasn’t serious about you in the past likes to pop up for some of your attention every now and then, you do not owe them your time and effort. You do not owe them your attention. There’s people who will pop up and text you for a couple days and then disappear and then reappear, disappear and then reappear.

Someone texts you like, hey how are you? Without acknowledging their disappearance, do you respond? Ask about it. Move on. I’d recommend treading lightly.

They are likely just wanting someone, anyone to talk to. They just need some attention right now for their own gain. They’re not actually interested in being part of your life.

The same thing goes for those people who only text at night. They are looking for late night attention, perhaps even a booty call. And as Zooey Deschanel sings in the movie Yes Man, I’m not your late night booty call.

Late night check, check-in texts, they’re like never a genuine bid for connection. They’re just somebody’s lame attempt for attention. And I just want to say we’ve probably all done that before.

Late night texts popped up to text people because we want attention and that’s a pretty human thing to do. So if you’ve done that, not a big deal. Just don’t be surprised when people don’t want to connect back with you.

All right, so let’s wrap things up. When it comes to texting in dating, the purpose can be to text for connection or to text for attention. And like I said, we’ve probably all texted for attention sometimes if we just feeling lonely or want to feel good about ourselves and that’s okay.

And maybe you are in a space where all you want is a texting buddy and that can be totally fine too. But when you’re in the early stages of dating, be mindful of the amount of importance you’re placing on texting and try not to fill in the blanks about what the amount of texting means. Be mindful of how much you’re texting and try to limit it so that you can have a healthy balanced perspective as you’re getting to know this person and use your voice.

Share your texting and communication preferences and ask the person theirs. And when you are wanting to make a change in the relationship, or if you’re wanting to say, Hey, I’m tired of texting. Let’s meet up.

You can make a choice. You can set boundaries and you can either try to move things forward. And if it doesn’t work, step back, or you can just keep, keep things going as they are.

But don’t be afraid to use your voice and speak up, be authentic and genuine in your texting. Don’t hold back for the sake of not appearing too eager, but also don’t put your daily life on hold to engage in constant texting. There should be some balance.

Keep living your life and be mindful of how texting can impact your perspective. But most of all, just be yourself, show up authentically so that they can get to know the real you and love you for who you are. If you do that and they’re not interested, doesn’t work out, that’s fine.

They are not the right person for you. So those are some of my thoughts on texting and dating. If you have questions or comments, or you absolutely hate what I have to say, I’d love to hear from you.

Email me at askelisapodcast@gmail.com, or DM me on my social media @askelisapodcast. Thank you for listening to Ask Elisa. I’m your host Elisa Sparkman.

This episode was written, edited and produced by me, music by Jacob Patterson.