Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman. Today, my guest is my boyfriend, Jake.

Hello! And Jake has been on the podcast before. Uh-huh. And it was very awkward and uncomfortable.

It sure was. And I hope you’re feeling a little bit more… Some of the internet did not like me. And I understand that.

Yeah. I also edited it without really thinking about how it made you look and how it made you come across. Like editing some of the pauses.

And I was still not as good at editing at the time to make it… So sometimes it sounds like you’re just like jumping on me, like cutting me off and like being snarky and sarcastic. Which you are a snarky and sarcastic person, which is fine. But it’s, you know, different when it sounds like you’re immediately… Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, my first reaction when I listened back to it, wow, I sound like a real dick.

Yeah. I didn’t think you did, though. All right.

And so, like, since people were thinking that, like, oh, he doesn’t seem like he’s all that nice to his girlfriend. Well, first of all, how many girlfriends take their boyfriends, sit them down and record a conversation with them telling their boyfriend about all the other people they dated leading up to them? Not a lot, probably. No, probably not a lot.

So it was a very, like, uncomfortable situation for me to put you in. And one person was like, oh, I didn’t like how he said this one thing. And so then I made, like, a joke about it on threads, and that made a bunch of people listen to it and just, like, bash you.

Yeah. But then the people who know me listened to it, and they’re like, I don’t know why people had a problem with that. He seemed fine.

Your banter seemed fine. You guys seemed like it was, like, playful, normal. You know, you were both, you know, giving each other little jabs, and it was fine.

It was cute. So the jury is out. You know what? You can’t please everybody.

The jury. Or anybody. Everybody should go back and listen to that episode.

No, that’s OK. I don’t even remember the episode number at this point right now. Me neither.

So anyway, well, this episode, you can redeem yourself. Yay. And it’s a very special day that we’re recording this episode, because it is one year exactly since our first date.

It is. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary.

I’m going to sit you down and make you talk on my podcast again. Groovy. I don’t ever say that.

I could edit that out so that people don’t think you’re the kind of person who says groovy. Let’s leave it in. I said it that time.

OK. Yep. Now that’s you.

Yep. Now you say groovy. The groovy guy.

Groovy guy. I’m going to start saying it all the time now. Sounds groovy to me.

See? We can both do it. It could be our new thing. All right.

First of all, I want to encourage everyone who likes my podcast and supports my podcast to please sign up for the newsletter. I have not put out any newsletter issues yet, but I’m going to. And they’re going to be so good.

They are. They’re going to be monthly. And once I have enough subscribers, I will do it.

But right now I have about 9 or 10. Well, one might argue that doing the newsletter would get you more subscribers to the newsletter. That’s what the podcast experts say.

I’m just saying. But I’m busy, OK? And I’m not a podcast expert. I am going to do it.

And I would really love to see more people sign up for it. I do not spam you. You will just get a monthly newsletter once the newsletters start.

Which might be in the new year. Because it’s November right now. Which new year? That’s how I was going to get them.

When it didn’t come out in 2027, I’d be like, I meant 2028. Or I meant the Chinese new year. Which is, I think, just in February.

I think so. Gives me a little more time. Anyway, what we’re talking about today is your experience on the dating apps.

And then we’re also going to do a little bit of reminiscing of that first date we had together one year ago. That super awkward first date we had. It was very awkward.

Yeah, it was. But here we are a year later. Yep, still super awkward.

Yeah, especially when we’re being recorded. Yeah. It’s called authenticity.

That’s what it’s called. Okay, so can you tell me one? Before you met me, how long were you on the apps in that stint? I mean, off and on since 2015, I want to say, was the first time I got on the apps. But then you had some long-term relationships in between there? Yeah, I had a girlfriend when I lived in Chicago for several years.

So not then. Although I probably should have been. My goodness, she was great.

I’ve given him this look like, don’t talk shit about your ex-girlfriends on our podcast. Sorry, that’s right. What if they listen? I hope so.

How’s it going? Good to not hear from you again. Actually, you guys can all stop texting Jake because Jake’s ex-girlfriends always text him. Yeah.

I don’t know why. I don’t tell them to. I encourage the opposite, actually.

It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s funny.

And Jake’s not one to… It’s never anything nefarious. It’s always, can you just tell me what I need to do differently? I went on a date with a Russian slumlord today, and I just don’t understand. And how long had it been since you talked to her? Almost two years.

And then she just texted me out of the blue. This was not that long ago. This was like, what, a week or two ago? Yeah, this was like two weeks ago.

Well, I hope she’s doing okay, and I hope that… I’m sure she’s fine. Yeah, she’s fine. She was just being sad and drunk, which we don’t do.

No. Because we don’t drink anymore. I used to do it all the time.

Yeah. That was my favorite thing to do. Yeah.

So anyway, it’s really hard to stay on task. Part of the reason why it’s difficult to have people you know on your podcast or people you’re close with is because the conversations so easily get derailed. So basically, you’ve been on and off the apps.

Mm-hmm. Since 2015. Since about 2015.

And then was it like 2020? When did you… How long were you single before you met me? From, yeah, pretty much since 2020. Oh. I had a couple of short-term girlfriends in between there, but no long-term ones since 2020.

So did you do any dating during the pandemic? I haven’t asked you that at all. Yeah. That was the last serious girlfriend I had was during the pandemic.

We met right after my dad died in 2020, and then I was like about to move in with her, and then she decided that we weren’t going to do that, and then we broke up, and I was like, all right, well, I’m not going to date for the foreseeable future. But that was like under less than a year? Yeah, it was less than a year. Pretty short.

That was in my… I would call that short-term, a short-term girlfriend under a year, but it was serious because you were about to move in together. Mm-hmm. Okay.

So what apps did you use? I used Hinge where we met when that became a thing, and then Bumble and Tinder as well, but I didn’t really use that much after the first couple years because it was terrible. I mean, they’re all terrible, but especially that one. Okay, so we met in 2025, and were you on Hinge and Bumble at that time? I was only on Hinge at that time, but in the two years before that, I had been on Hinge and Bumble, and I think I’d seen your profile but just never liked it.

Because it was lackluster and there wasn’t any effort put into it? Yeah, it was really… That was intentional. Yeah, I would look at it and be like, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with it.

There’s just nothing really like… But there’s nothing right with it either. Right. Yeah.

Well, first of all, your photos were all… You looked like you were in your maybe late 20s. Yeah, because I only used photos that I had on Facebook, and I don’t use Facebook, so… Yeah, and… I don’t take a lot of selfies with my phone because I’m not… That’s just not me. Yeah, and some of your photos were from really far away, and you’re looking away from the camera.

And there was one close-up, and you look really young in it. And you respond to everything, but pretty short. No red flags, but not a lot of information.

October of last year, I had just started dating again, or just started, re-downloaded Hinge, and I decided not to download Bumble. And I had this… I had been dating for over… for a year and a half, for a little over a year, I guess, at that point. I only took a few months off after my friend died.

And I redid my profile with this idea that I wanted to repel the kind of men that I knew I wouldn’t like. So I came up with this idea that I would put my most annoying self up front. And at this point, I was already sharing dating stuff on TikTok.

I’d been doing TikTok for a while, first sharing a lot of cat content, and then I started talking about dating, and I had some pretty decent connections. I was following a lot of the tips and advice pieces that I share now on my podcast, and doing pretty well. Like, I’m not trying to attract men.

I am trying to find a person that I will connect with, and who will like me for who I am. So in my profile, I put, like, I have several cats, I like musical theater, and I just put the things that I know a lot of men are like, ew, cats, ew, musicals. And I also did my Britney Spears impression, which if you listened to the episode with me and Hailey about the movie Obsession, I share my Britney Spears impression at the very end.

I had that as my voice prompt on Hinge. And whenever men would comment on the voice prompt and say, oh, you’re better than Britney, and they put down Britney Spears in the message they would send me, I would just respond in all caps, don’t talk about Britney that way. So I had a lot less matches when I put my most annoying self up front, and I was happy with that, really happy with that.

I made a few connections in the month of October, went on some dates, and when I saw Jake’s profile, I was like, I’ve seen this guy on here a bunch of times, I was chatting with one other guy, but my gut told me that that guy wasn’t right, wasn’t good. My gut told me that he was bad news for some reason. There was no actual reason.

Like you never actually met him? I never met him, I was just chatting with him, we’d matched and chatted. That’s a bad sign if you give someone the ick just through chatting online. Well, I mean, through the chats, you can learn a lot when you’re chatting with people, and you can definitely feel if something’s off through chatting.

Anyway, so I felt like there was not a lot going on. I didn’t have anyone to match with, and I was going through Hinge, and when I would see somebody I knew I didn’t want to match with, I would block them or remove them so that they wouldn’t show up again. But yours, I would never block or remove it because you met my deal breakers.

So yours came up again, and I was like, you know what? It doesn’t hurt to chat. It doesn’t hurt to see if we match and chat. It’s not like there’s no commitment to swipe right or like a profile.

It doesn’t mean anything. So I was like, I’ll give him a chance, and we all know how that worked out. But I want to know about your experience swiping through those apps.

Tell us a little bit about what you came across. It’s just, I mean, especially right before we met, I had erased and re-downloaded the app several times just using it as really a time waster, honestly, because I didn’t really see anything worth spending your time on there. All of the chats just went nowhere, and no one really actually wanted to seem to date or meet up.

Even if you had had a good chatting period, just be like, hey, do you want to go out this weekend or something? Go grab a coffee or something? Yeah, let’s totally do that, and then just nothing. Jake, a lot of women expect you to say, okay, let’s do that, and here is where we can meet. And I had done that on more than one occasion, and then ghosted or just got blown off, and it just seemed like a waste of time to continue doing it.

But we’re addicted to our phones and everything on it, so it just kept going. And then probably this was about a year and a year and a half before I went on our first date with you, and I had two just horrifically bad dates, and I was like, all right, I’m done with this nonsense. And then luckily, I reversed that decision and got back on them and then met you.

Yeah, and you liked my profile? I did. You seemed like a real dork. And that is my type.

Okay, so what were these two bad dates you had? Well, the first one, the gal was nice and she was cute, and we met at a bar and were talking and chatting and having a good time, and then things went well and we ended up making out in her car a little bit. And then she stopped mid-makeout and then said, I have to tell you before anything else, I have four kids and I don’t have custody of them. And I was like, oh, do tell more.

So her life was an absolute train wreck, and I was like, okay, that’s interesting. How did you lose custody of the kids? And she’s like, I can’t talk about it. And I was like, that is not a good sign both of those times.

So then got off the dating apps after that for a while. Then about six months later, I went on another first date with a gal who I wasn’t really interested, but you know, you got to try. And once again, met at a bar, and she didn’t look like she looked on her profile, which that’s fine.

It’s also to be expected somewhat. But we got to talking and she mentioned something about how I had just gotten a traffic ticket through a camera and how that’s ridiculous, and I don’t believe that should be allowed, because they got me. I don’t like being caught for when I’m actually doing something wrong like speeding.

But she was like, oh, yeah, no, tell me about it. I’ve just spent a lot of time in court recently, and I was like, oh, okay, what for? She’s like, well, I got into a domestic violence situation with my live-in boyfriend, and I ended up having to stab him. And I was like, oh, wow, so like a self-defense thing.

She’s like, absolutely. I was like, that’s crazy. That’s, wow, I’m glad you’re still okay.

She’s like, yeah, yeah, and then tried to change the subject because that’s a little heavy for a first date. And a little bit later, she grabs her purse, and she’s like, you want to see something? And I was like, sure. And she just pulls out this giant buck knife out of her purse and starts playing with it at the table.

Everybody around us is staring at us and getting freaked out. I’m getting freaked out as well, but I’m trying to hide it. And she’s just like playing with it at the table, like stabbing it into the table, spinning it in her fingers and stuff, and I’m like, cool, okay, cool.

I’m going to be really friendly for the next 20 minutes, and then I’m going to go ahead and say goodnight, and this will be our first and last date. And yeah, that was the last date before you, and it had been a year since that. Wow.

Since that date. When I remember I matched with you, and I don’t know what the conversation was, but you said something about your last few dates, your last date was a doozy or something like that. And so I remember I didn’t respond, and I was not super glued to the apps at the time, because I had a lot going on with my grief and all.

So I remember a day and a half or two days later, I looked at my phone. I was like, oh, I never responded to that guy. And so I responded.

Well, I feel like now, a lot of people don’t have patience for that. They’re like, they didn’t respond in a day. Done.

Unmatch. And I feel like that’s really unfair, because people have lives going on. People get busy.

It is, but a lot of people invest a lot into the apps. That’s kind of one of the only relationshipy interactions they have nowadays. It’s sad.

It sucks. I just feel like nobody owes you all of your attention just because you matched on a dating app. Yeah, that’s absolutely true.

Letting somebody go a couple days without responding is not a big deal. And when I realized, oh man, I never responded to him, I’m like, oh, how do I get this conversation going again? It had kind of dwindled down. I’m like, it’s my turn.

I’ve got to ask a question here. I’ve got to do something. So I was like, what about your, so tell me about this doozy.

And then you told me that you were on a date and the woman pulled out a knife and started playing with it at the table. And I was like, yep, that sounds like a doozy. I think that was her name.

Doozy? Yep. Cute name. Hi, I’m Doozy.

Not a cute story, though. Well, I’m pretty sure he had it coming. Oh, well.

He had it coming. She’s obviously not great with a knife. He’s still alive.

Yeah. He probably ran into her knife. Yeah.

Like in Chicago. Like seven times. 10 times in Chicago.

Is it 10 times? Yeah. I should probably know that. I’m working on his musical references and skills, people.

Good luck. I’m working on it. You knew what I was referencing, though.

I did. So, yeah, when we started chatting, the banter was pretty good. I was feeling a little disillusioned, too, but also just like I was not thinking this was going to go anywhere, mostly because I felt like I was like, meh, whatever.

I was not really feeling super strongly about it. Thanks. Does that hurt your feelings? No.

Well, I asked, what kind of Pacific Northwest guy are you? And I asked, like, are you the Patagonia bro, the micro brew? I just kind of like, I made some jokes about like, kind of made like doll names, like action figure names for different types of Pacific Northwest archetypes. I’m the flannel guy with a beard. And which, I mean, that’s my type.

There you go. But you said something about being a musician. And, oh, also, I asked, why do all your dating, why do all your photos in your profile look like they’re from 2013? And you were like, good eye.

Some of them probably are. Yeah. And then I said, you said I look the same, but older.

I said, is your hair going gray? Got some nice salt and pepper. And then you said, no, receding hairline. And I said, oh, that sounds great.

It’s not. I don’t, I mean, I don’t want a 28 year old. I want someone who’s around my age.

Yeah, and we just kind of had really good banter through chatting, which is, it’s kind of hard to do that because, you know, you don’t know the person. Yeah. And you are just communicating through messages.

And within a few days, we decided to go on a date. I actually, with the fact that we had this banter that showed that we had similar senses of humor, I remember telling my therapist, I’m actually looking forward to this date. And I’m excited about it.

And I also, at that point, like if I didn’t feel excited, I always told myself if I didn’t want to go, just cancel. I was thinking, oh man, I hope she doesn’t have a knife and I hope she’s nice. That was it.

Those were my only two concerns. Well, I delivered. Did you have a knife though? Probably should, you’re meeting a stranger.

I didn’t have a knife in my purse. I might have had one in my car. It’s just like a pocket knife.

Just don’t pull it out at the table. Unless you have to. Unless you have to.

But she did not have to. No. She was not in any danger.

I feel like everybody else in the bar, including myself, was in danger. She was a wild card. Was I your first, so I was your first date? Since Knifey, Knifey.

But also since you stopped drinking. That’s also true, yeah. That was your first sober date.

Glad I was still drinking during Knifey, Knifey. That made it a little bit more palatable. I was looking for a place kind of in between where we lived and I just thought this place looked like a nice little kind of sports bar and it was near the water in Tacoma area, so I thought it was nice.

Which is not like near the water in any other area. No, it was like industrial area and it was… It was the bar where the people that work at the logging mills go to after work. It was not a good place for a first date.

It was… But it was empty. It was empty. Which is nice.

But the music was still really loud. Everything was so loud. And I am hard of hearing anyway.

It was really hard to understand what you were saying. It was, yeah. And the food wasn’t great and we… It was very awkward talking, but I don’t know what made us decide to go to a second location, which you’re not supposed to do on a second date.

We drove separately. We did. But we’re like, do you want to do something else? I don’t know.

And we decided mini golf. Yeah. I mean, we don’t drink, so it’s not like we could just go to another bar or something.

Or, you know, when you don’t drink, it’s… You got to think of something else to do for another place after you just ate. You just go to another bar and then people watch the people that are drinking and make fun of them. We’ve never done that.

I do that every time I’m in public. It’s really fun. I do it quietly and to myself.

That’s kind of mean. Well, they get to not know that it’s happening. It’s true.

I’m never mean. Even my cat turned and looked at me and gave me the same guy when I said that. They know.

But that’s why I was telling… This is one of the things that I really liked about Jake is that when I would… I am a very kind person. I’m a very loving person. But I’m also pretty much not… I’m no bullshit person.

And I can be a little mean sometimes. And I’m human, right? Sometimes more than a little. And you love it.

Usually, yeah. And this is one of the things… Jake has never done that to me. Where he just automatically decides that I’m the sweetest, kindest, best, most amazing person ever.

In terms of me being a good person and translating that into being so sweet and kind. They’re not the same things. No, they are not.

Yeah, I’m a good person. And what I found when I was dating a lot is that the men would just take me being a good person and turn that into their idea that I am the sweetest, kindest person. And I remember I told you that there was a guy I went on a few dates with before you.

And I said, he told me that I was the kindest person he’d ever met. And you just burst out laughing. And I was like, that’s so much better than being put on a pedestal.

Being made to think that I’m the kindest, best, sweetest little… I have eyes and ear balls. Well, I remember telling the guy, wow, I’m so sorry when he said that I was the kindest person he’d ever met. I was like, you need to be around better people, dude.

If I’m the kindest person you’ve ever met. Because I know me. And yeah, I’m kind.

And good. But… I mean… You have the kindness of a very good lawyer. You only do it when it is deemed appropriate.

You’re not kind just for the sake of kindness to strangers. I’m kind. You’re honest and straightforward with everybody.

And compassionate. And compassionate. That’s important.

But I’m real. I’m not perfect. And I feel like so many of the men that I went out with would always just see this persona of me being sweet and kind.

And I even had an experience where I did not behave so perfectly. And the person was like, I can never trust you again. Because he thought you’d just been faking him out on the imaginary person he was dating? I don’t… I mean… It was just like… You know, I could… It was like I just couldn’t be human sometimes.

And I couldn’t make mistakes. And I couldn’t… I couldn’t be shitty sometimes. And not… Like I didn’t… I don’t have to be… Just… I don’t know.

I just fell out of their bubble of what they expected me to be like. And… Yeah. So… Thank you for letting me be human.

That’s important. Of course. And… So we decided to go… To mini golf.

To do something else. And that was a really good idea. Because we got to be a little more like flirty and silly.

And kind of like have fun together. And I could hear you. Oh yeah? First half of that first date was a lot of me saying, I’m sorry, what? Huh? Just holding my ears.

Yeah. Which I already stick out far enough. I really don’t need to make it worse.

Yeah. So once we got to mini golf, it was nice. And… I’m really good at mini golf.

And I… And you’re really bad at lying. Got so many holes in ones. Yep.

And I won. I have the scorecard still. No, you didn’t.

You still have the scorecard? I do still have the scorecard. Did you save them as like a memento? I did. Really? Jake’s so sentimental.

It’s really sweet. I’m gonna go home and burn it now. No.

That’s so sweet. I had a boyfriend once that we were like cleaning up his place. And I had made this really cool valentine for him.

And we only dated a couple months. And he was like throwing stuff away. And he like had the valentine and was like putting it into the garbage bag.

And I was like, you’re throwing that away? And he looks at me in this like monotone voice. I’m not a very sentimental person. I was like… Were you dating Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs? I’m not a very sentimental person.

I can’t imitate a guy with a deep monotone voice very well. Anyway, I appreciate you being sentimental. There was something else that you had.

And I was like, oh, you’re gonna keep it? And you were like, yes. And I was like, aw. I don’t remember what it was.

But I have found that you’re a very sentimental person. And that’s probably because you’re a musician, songwriter type. Don’t put me in your box, man.

I’m a lot of different things. No one thing defines you. So anyway, yeah, I’m terrible at mini golf.

I did horribly. I lost so bad. You did.

But it was not about the game. It was just about kind of hanging out and getting to know each other a little bit more. See, that’s where we differ.

It was about the game for you? It’s always about winning. No, it’s not. Always.

Mini golf, absolutely it is. Other things, not as important. But mini golf, absolutely.

You were hiding your competitiveness very well. No, I was not. You just had blinders on.

No, I was just so bad and I didn’t care. There was no way I was gonna win. I’m gonna lose and he’s tall.

I don’t care. Yeah, and that was weird. I’ve never really been with anybody super tall.

I’m not super tall. I’m 5’3″. Yeah, everybody’s super tall compared to you.

I mean, I think my ex-husband was like 5’9″. And my former partner was like 5’10”. And a half, maybe 5’11”.

I don’t know. So yeah, you’re tall. And yesterday when you saw my mom and you hugged my mom, I was like, oh my God.

Because my mom’s even smaller than me. She’s a very short lady. And you’re like looming over my entire short family.

It’s great. You guys should have drank more milk when you were little. We drank plenty of milk.

I don’t believe you. We drank plenty of malk. No, with more vitamin K. That’s a Simpsons reference.

Or vitamin F. I don’t remember. Yeah, that’s one that was not a real vitamin. K is a real vitamin.

It is a real vitamin. Not one that you hear a lot about. Oh, you know, vitamin K does not get enough play.

Anyway, when we left the date, we were walking out to the cars, to our separate cars. And you asked me, you asked if I wanted to hear any of your songs. I had just recorded stuff and I was excited about it.

And I never do this. And I still don’t usually do this to anybody. To quote Erykah Badu, I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.

But I was excited about the songs I had just recorded. And I was like, oh, you want to hear these? You said, do you want to hear one of my songs? And I was like, are you going to sing it for me? Because we were in the parking lot walking out to the cars. And you’re like, no, it’s on my phone.

I should have done that. And that would have been our last date. Not with your voice.

Jake’s a really good singer. I would have probably just taken you straight to the back seat. You should have done that.

I played the song for you and you didn’t do that. So obviously you’re not telling the truth. Yeah, so you were like, oh, we can listen to it in my car or your car.

And I was like, my car. Because I was not about to get into your car. That’s smart.

You would have been fine, but you didn’t know that. Yeah, I got in the driver’s seat. You were in the passenger seat.

And we connected your phone to my car. And you played me some songs. And I was like, wow, he’s really good.

I remember being like, that’s you singing? And you were like, yeah. I was like, that’s actually good. That’s good.

And then you were like, let’s smooch. That’s not true. I was like, OK.

We were awkwardly saying goodbye. And I was like, should we hug? I think that’s what I said. You did.

And then we were awkwardly hugging over the console. And then acknowledged that it was awkward. And I said, this is awkward.

Sure is. And then you kissed me. I did.

But I never kiss on first dates. That’s not a normal thing for me to have happened. Yeah.

I don’t normally just go make out with people. I’m a mom of four who lost custody of her kids. I still don’t know how she lost custody.

I want to know. I do want to know. I hope they’re all OK.

Well, they’re probably OK if she still doesn’t have custody. No. I believe the kids should be with their parents.

I do too. But not if their court order did not be. There’s usually pretty good reasons for that.

I mean, if there’s four kids. I hope everything worked out for them. See, I am kind.

Yeah, so we kissed on the first date. And you awkwardly left. You’re like, OK.

Well, OK. OK, bye. I sure did.

Yeah. And then, yeah. And I remember being like, wow, that was a nice kiss.

That was fun. And he’s a musician. And that’s great.

And then over the next couple weekends, we hung out so much. And I remember texting my best friends. And I don’t know if it was the first weekend that we hung out a ton or the second weekend that we hung out a ton.

But I was like, I think he’s going to be my boyfriend. What made you think that? I don’t know. I mean, just that we.

Also, what was different is from the beginning, you were kind of just like. Well, first of all, when we texted after the first date. And I was like, OK, when do you want to go out again? And you said, preferably sooner than later.

Which is like, oh, he’s interested. And he’s showing it. He’s not like trying to be, you know, coy.

He’s not trying to show like, act too cool. He’s just like, I want to see you again. Let’s go out again.

And we did. And it just also just felt like a natural good connection. And like we could be ourselves.

I mean, I felt like I could be myself around you. And felt really comfortable with you right away. And it didn’t feel like any kind of hesitation.

It was just like, yep, we’re doing this. Kind of from the beginning. But then you would tell me that I was hard to read.

You are hard to read. I am hard to read. You’re still hard to read.

I have a podcast where I tell everybody anything. In private, it is not the same. I feel like I’m such an open book.

It’s just hard to tell how you’re actually feeling. Is that why you’re always like, are you okay? Yeah, because you always seem like you’re upset about something. Well, I am always upset about something.

My best friend died last year. I know, but… I’m permanent sad now. I don’t always know that I’m permanent sad too.

I actually said that to your mom last time she was here. I was like, some people are just sad. Then I pointed over to you and she goes, I’m glad you know that.

I’m okay with it. Sad boy. That’s what I call you.

There are sad boys. I am a sad boy. Were you not sure that I liked you? Yeah, I’m still not.

I was driving 45 minutes to see you. That’s not that long. We spent the first night together.

We hung out in Seattle all day. We were at Pike’s… Wait, what’s it called? Pike Place Market? I don’t know why. You’ve lived here your entire life.

I almost called it Pike’s… Pike’s Peak. Not Pike’s Peak. What is it called? I don’t know.

Pike Place. Gosh, I’m having total… Pike Place Market. Yeah.

We were… It’s world famous. They throw the fish there. They do.

I’ve been there many, many, many, many times in my life. Anyway, we were there. It was featured on MTV’s Real World.

Yeah, that was the season with Irene and Stephen. Those are all the people I remember from it, but I liked them. I watched it.

I just remember the dude who slapped the… That was Stephen. He slapped Irene. Slapped Irene.

Yeah. That was intense. It was intense.

Okay. That’s for the Elder Millennials and Gen Xers. Yeah.

References. That’s the original reality TV show, you bunch of young dummies. Yeah.

Well, anyway. We were at… We were at the market, and you were like, Do you want to stay another night? And I was like, Do you want me to? And you’re like, Do you want to? And we were doing this little face-off of trying to decide, Do we want… I’m not going to disclose my feelings. Who wants to stay? You do it first.

It was like a little stand-off, and I was like, Maybe. And then when we were driving back out of the city, I was so tired. I was like, There’s no way I’m driving home after this.

So I was like, Yeah, I do want to stay another night. I was so tired. So that’s why you stayed.

I get it. Oh, that was also the date where you saw that vase, and then I locked it away in my brain. Yes.

That’s… Got it for you for Christmas. Yeah. At that same shop where he asked if I wanted to spend another night.

At Pike’s Peak Market. At Pike’s Peak’s Place Market. I was pointing out the kind of… I love vases.

I love vintage vases. And I was pointing out the different vases that I like. And for Christmas, he went back there and got me the vase that I pointed out.

And that was like the second weekend we hung out. Yes. I spent the night with him on the second weekend.

Two nights in a row. And then the next weekend, we spent three nights in a row together. And that was too many.

No, it wasn’t. No, it wasn’t. But we just automatically were like, yep, this is it.

I mean, that’s how I felt. And I think it was that second weekend where I was like, yeah, he’s going to be my boyfriend. And that was November 1st last year.

And by Thanksgiving, the night before Thanksgiving, you stayed over. And in the morning, I was like, do you want to be my boyfriend? And you were like, ew, no. I was.

No, he said yes. And then you pulled out a knife. He said yes, everybody.

So it was pretty quick. It was all really fast. But sometimes I feel like it was also paced in a way because we didn’t see each other during the week at all.

So we really didn’t text constantly. You were never like a constant texter. You would text regularly to check in and say hi like every day.

But we didn’t have a bunch of conversations over text. Yeah. I don’t.

Yeah. Just use the telephone. Yeah.

There’s a phone attached to your text machine. Well, I don’t like talking on the phone. We didn’t really talk on the phone.

We still don’t really talk on the phone. Sometimes we do. If I’m at the store.

What else did I need to get? I feel like even though we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, we weren’t automatically in some kind of serious relationship either. We just saw each other on weekends because we can’t really see each other much during the week. And then you lost your job.

Yeah. You got laid off and you were my stay-at-home boyfriend for several months. And that was really fun.

Was it? Stressful for you. I mean, partially stressful. But it was kind of nice.

Part of it was great. And that was also why you could help me so much with the podcast. It’s true.

And when I had the idea for the podcast, Jake was like, yes, you should totally do that. And I was right. Yep.

Making so much money from this podcast. I did not say that was going to happen. Yeah.

I have spent so much money on this podcast. It’s a little more accurate description. Well, anyway, so that is our first date and first kind of month story.

And now it’s been a year. And so, you know, you can meet people on dating apps and have it work out. You know, even if next week we break up.

Are you planning that? Absolutely not. How are you going to do it? Is it going to be through text? Yeah. Over text.

Actually, I’m going to send you. Pretty cold. I’m going to send you a. What are those things where you get like a C-list celebrity? Oh.

What’s it called? Cameo. A cameo. I’m going to get like the most random C-list celebrity to break up with you for me over cameo.

You could probably get that guy who slapped that woman on the real world. Stephen from the real world. Yeah.

Yeah. Or Irene. I’ve seen Irene come back on.

I bet times are probably tough for him. You could probably hire him to come slap me and do it in person. It would be really mean, but also very funny.

I feel like meet me on the pier, Jake. And we’d do it out on the pier where it happened. No.

I have no plans to break up with you. We have plans together. At least.

So we at least need to stay together until February. So we have a trip planned in February. So anyway, that’s my, our story of origin.

I think that, you know, a lot of people. Also known as an origin story. Is it weird to call it a story of origin? It’s weird.

Okay. You’re adding words. I’m making it fancy.

Because of my podcast, I pay attention to a lot of the discourse around dating apps and dating and modern dating culture. And I see a lot of people complaining about the dating apps in a way that they don’t seem to. It seems like they’re expecting.

To meet somebody. So much that they, they get upset over not meeting somebody. And it really, it’s really so random.

When I think about how one of my podcast guests early on, Dani. She was kind of on and off dating apps for her, her whole adulthood. And then a few years ago she had heard about, heard about Hinge and she’d never tried Hinge before.

Because she’d been off, she’d never tried Hinge before because she’d been off dating apps for a long time. And so she downloaded Hinge and she matched with a guy. And now she’s married to him.

There you go. So, and in that episode I’m like, Dani and I are about the same age. We have a relatively like, we’re statistically very similar, she and I. And I went on like over 40 first dates before I met you.

And I can’t even tell you how many matches I had. It’s a great Adam Sandler movie. Yeah, 40 first dates.

Yep. It’s the spinoff. Yeah.

Or it’s the… It’s the made for TV. It’s the Timu version. Yeah.

40 first dates. Who’s Timu Drew Barrymore? Me. Oh! You’re not blonde though.

Ah yes, it is Timu version. It doesn’t matter. So anyway, I just think that it’s really random.

You just gotta put yourself out there and know that sometimes it’s gonna be a lot of misses before you get a hit. Jake only went on two dates before me in like several years. And they were both terrible.

Until me. And you know, he didn’t go on, he could have been going on like a first date every week that whole time and still not met anybody until he met me. That sounds awful though.

I mean I was doing it and it wasn’t that awful. I didn’t really feel like it was that awful. Like I just tried to enjoy, like it’s about your mindset.

Yeah. I’m just more mentally strong than you. That’s no argument here.

Well, thanks for coming on the podcast for a special anniversary episode. Of course. Thanks for supporting me doing this.

Yeah. And talking about you and our relationship publicly all the time on all these episodes. Gross.

I feel like I keep it pretty minimal. I talk about myself. I try not to like talk about other people.

I speak for myself, you know. It’s good policy. Yeah.

Don’t want to get sued. Anyway, thank you so much. Thank you.

You’re a pretty okay guest. I’ll take it. But you’re a great boyfriend.

Yeah! Thank you. Thanks for listening to Ask Elisa. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman.

This episode was produced and edited by me. And the music is by my boyfriend, Jacob Patterson, who’s a musician and the guest of this episode.