Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships in your late 30s, 40s and older. I’m your host Elisa. Today, my guest is Tina, also known as The Dating Professor on social media.

Hi, Tina. Hi. So can you give us a quick little brief introduction into who you are? So like you said, I’m Tina.

I call myself The Dating Professor because I’m a professor who my profession is higher education. And I was married for 35 years and found myself divorced last November. And I’ve been on the dating apps ever since.

Okay, thank you. So we are going to talk all about your experiences dating. But first, what I do on Ask Elisa is have every guest share something about themselves that has nothing to do with romantic relationships.

Because so often as women, we’re defined by our romantic relationships. And I like to call out something that’s, you know, just just Tina, and then I’ll share something that’s just Elisa. I was thinking about this.

And what I decided to share was that I’m legendary in my family for my lasagna. And I have mastered the recipe. And I made 100 pounds of lasagna for my daughter’s wedding.

Wow. How do you know it was 100 pounds? Did you weigh it? Because I made 10 pounds, 10 pans of lasagna and each one weighed about. Okay.

I’m like, where was the scale located? And how did you determine this 100 pounds? It was rough. It wasn’t scientific. I’m a journalist here.

And I’m into like, verifying the facts. Fact checking. What kind of were they all the same kinds of lasagna? So like a meat lasagna? Well, actually, no, I made primarily meat lasagna.

But I also did an Alfredo one. And I did a vegetable one just in case there are vegetarians in the audience. Yes.

Good. What kind of meat did you use for the meat ones? A good combination of Italian sausage and beef. And my son in law, his family owns a small ranch here in San Antonio.

And so we use the family beef. Oh, nice. Local.

And yeah, that’s so cool. I love the combo of the Italian sausage and beef for lasagna. And for so many, I think it’s so good that way.

I often make my lasagnas with ground turkey though, because I have to eat so much of it. Like I live alone. So I’m often eating like the lasagna all week.

And so it’s just harder for me to eat the beet like ground beef and sausage all week and ground turkey is easier for my stomach. So I usually use it. So when I make chili, I also do ground turkey.

But when I make like white people tacos, I do ground beef. Okay. That’s my meat.

Sorry. I guess I just shared some stuff about about me. Oh, I have so many questions about lasagna.

It’s like swirling in my head now about like how you layer it, what cheeses you use, but that is that’s, that’s, that’s not what you’re here for. I’m always I love talking about food. I love cooking and stuff.

So I’m always curious about everybody’s recipes. And when people share food stuff, I end up just like getting totally off topic and wanting to talk about the food. That’s hilarious.

Yeah. So one little fact about me is that I do not like to dress up. I like to be comfortable and cozy.

I like the like looking cute and part of dressing up and I like it for like a minute. But I just I really like to be comfortable. And dressing up is usually uncomfortable.

So it’s just not for me. I have chronic pain and chronic illness, fibromyalgia. And if anybody out there has fibromyalgia, they know that like, certain clothing types and wearing wearing fancy clothes all day dressing up is just actually painful sometimes depending on what what your body’s going through.

So for me, I’m just like, the most comfortable clothes I can find is what I want to be in. So that was that was my little about me. So I didn’t know that you were a professor.

And that makes sense. Now, why you are the dating professor, I was like, I was like, Oh, she’s like, kind of being like, I’m getting a PhD in dating right now. But I mean, so that’s kind of what I took it as meaning.

But I like that you’re literally a professor who’s dating. Yes, I’m Dr. Tina. That’s so cool.

And you live in San Antonio. Yes. I’ve never been there.

I it looks so beautiful. It looks so nice. I really enjoy San Antonio.

It’s my favorite place in Texas. Yeah, I would like I’d like to go there. Maybe I will go there someday and we can have lunch.

Oh, my treat. Yay. Okay.

I’ll be there this weekend. Okay, so you mentioned you were married for how many years? 35 years. 35 years.

And how many kids? Three, three kids. And they’re all adults now? Yes. And so you divorced after your kids were out of the home? They’ve been out of the home for a while.

My oldest daughter is 35, about to be 36. She’s got her own family. My youngest daughter has her own family.

My son is 28. Everybody’s out of the home. And they’ve been out of the home for a while.

Okay, when did the marriage end? The marriage had been on life support for maybe the past five years. You know how that goes. It just we’ve been struggling along.

And I, I had been really trying like, I was like, you know, I met my vows, I we stood in front of the church, we said, we’re married till we till one of us passes away, you know. But it just had been really hard, hard the last five, five or 10 years, I would say, but the five years before were really rough. And I think COVID kind of finished us off, honestly, COVID being together all the time and like no buffer that didn’t do us any favors.

But the nail in the coffin was when he set me down on our 30 on our 35th anniversary, and said, I need to tell you, I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t have any feelings for you. I don’t find any empathy for anything that you’re going through.

You need to listen to me when I tell you this, you have not been listening. And I’m just done. I’m done on my end.

Now, if you want to stay in the house and keep doing what you’re doing, as far as your wifely duties, you’re welcome to stay. But I’m out. Wow.

I mean, it’s like one thing to say, like, you know, I don’t want to be married anymore to just be like, I don’t give a shit about you anymore. Like, it doesn’t sound like he wanted you like, want to want any harm on you or anything, but to say like, he didn’t care anymore. I’ve been in a really bad car accident a few months before.

And I’m still I’m still changed by the car accident, I still have to get paying shots and things like that. It was my my car was total. I was lucky to walk away.

He grew very tired of having to take me to appointments and to, you know, all the things he actually accused me of, like, exaggerating my injuries for attention. And he said, I just need you to navigate all that without me. Like, I’m, I’m done with that.

That’s it’s infringing on my life too much. How did you feel? Like, what did you do when he said that? I mean, what can you do? I mean, I feel like now is kind of a blessing for because I would have kept pushing through trying to work on my end. But hearing him say, I do not care about you.

While it was devastating in the moment, spurred some changed something like clicked a switch in me. Like, okay, he doesn’t care about me doesn’t love me doesn’t want me. Now what now what are you gonna do, Tina? Are you gonna stay with this man and give him another 30 years? Or are you going to make your way and try to be on your own? Keeping in mind, I’ve been married since I was 18.

Wow, that’s a huge change. I’d never had my own checking account. Wow.

Well, all the bills controlled all the money. But you are a professional. Yes.

Right? Like you had a career. Yes. Your kids were out of the house.

So a lot of things were in your favor, as opposed to some women who maybe were way more dependent on their husbands. Yeah, so one thing that I stayed home, and when you hear the term trad wife, I was a trad wife. To the very end of that.

I stayed home, I raised children, I changed the diapers, I did all the things. And then in my mid 30s, I started feeling like I want something a little bit more, I think I want to go back to school. And once I took my first couple classes, I was like, Oh my gosh, I’m hooked.

I love this. So no matter what was going on with our marriage or where we were living or whatever, I was always in school, I was always taking classes working towards my degree. And I’m like, I want something for me.

And it just so happened that when he made his big speech, I had just defended my dissertation, and I was Dr. Tina. And I was about to get a job. So that was why I was able to leave was because I had that cushion.

But it was kind of a double edged sword. Because then the court looked at it like, well, she’s got a good job. She makes good money.

So he shouldn’t have to give her any spousal support. Even though, you know, he had cleaned out the checking account, took all the money left with nothing. So I really just had my check to get by on.

And I did not date anyone until the papers were signed and the judge said, I’m going to grant this divorce. And then I was like, okay, now I haven’t been on a date since 1989. What does this look like now? The last time I went on a date, I was listening to Whitney in the background as I was getting ready with my Aquanet.

So let’s see what’s out there. And since Thanksgiving of last year, I’ve gone on approximately 100 dates. That’s more than me.

You’re the first person I’ve met who has done more dating than I did. And I sat down and figured it out. I wrote out because you know, it’s not a fake date.

You mean dates, not first dates? I mean, dates. Okay, then maybe we’re about the same. So I only, that’s what I was going to say.

I was going to say like, I did date some of these men multiple times. It wasn’t all first dates. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. So I started dating right before I turned 40 and I had done some dating very little though in like 2016 before that. But before that I, I got together with somebody I met in college and married him.

So I was a bit out of the dating scene, but you are like, you were like decades out of the dating scene, man. Once you decided I want to date, what were the, what were the steps you took? Um, I got on the first app I tried was OkCupid. And the reason why I went to OkCupid was because my daughter met her husband there.

She said, mom, when I was on the apps, it was the one that I liked the most. That’s the one I recommend. And so I said, okay, so I got on OkCupid.

What year was that? That she, that she had got met her husband OkCupid? Like 10 years ago. Okay. Cause that’s when I, when I was on the apps in 2016, OkCupid was the best one.

It’s not anymore. No, it is not. It’s trash.

It is the, it is one of the worst ones. It is, it is like chaos. Yes.

There are so many scammers on that. The very first man I talked to was a scammer on OkCupid. The first one.

But, and this is something that I had to kind of learn, um, as a woman in her mid fifties, I’m often targeted by financial and romance scammers. And this man was like, oh, hi. I know you said you live in San Antonio, but I live in Houston, but this isn’t a problem.

If what, if I like you, I have money. I’ll come see you, blah, blah, blah. And I talked to him for just like a day or two.

And he’s like, so you’re in a cryptocurrency. I happen to be an expert in this. I’d be more than happy to guide you through your crypto journey.

And I was like, son of a, so that’s what I get. That’s what I get. Like people who are trying to get my retirement, you know, like that’s, that’s the people who scan me or I get a lot of men who are like, hi, I’m in Afghanistan right now, but I’m going to be back in San Antonio in a couple of months.

And I would love to just get to know someone while I’m over here. And then of course, you know, the next thing, Hey, my paycheck is a little short. There’s something wrong with the wiring.

I’m not going to get my money. Could you possibly send me a little cash until the government gets my check? Right. You know, those are the two that I get the most.

What have you learned to kind of spot those a little bit earlier, maybe like over the, your time on the dating apps are, have there been clues in their profiles or clues in their language before they get to the ask that makes you realize that’s a scammer, especially with the finance ones, the ones that I know are like looking for pensions, like for retirement, they come in very formal. Their language is very formal. You would think with AI that they mess it up a little bit and make them sound like a real man, but no, they talk like they’re Edward from twilight.

You know, they come in, they’re very formal. They, they use all the punctuation semicolons. If you use a semicolon, I’m going to say, and they always come in and they say something like, Oh gosh, you’re very beautiful.

My name is such and such. And I’m actually from, and it’s always somewhere like Paris or Egypt or London, but I’ve been in the U S for 10 years now. It’s a foreign city.

And I’ve been in the U S for 10 years, those two things. And then the next thing is they’re like, I’m looking for something serious. What’s your experience been like on these apps? Cause I hate it.

And then the next push is to get off the apps. Let’s exchange numbers or you on WhatsApp. Let’s exchange numbers.

Um, let’s just get off the second chat and get to know each other. And if you say, let’s talk on the apps a little bit more, then the block you and move on. Yeah.

I require chat communicating through the apps until we meet in person. And so whenever they ask to move off of the apps and I say, Oh, I prefer to chat over the apps until we meet in person for my own. And I’ll say like for my own safety and comfort or something like that.

Sometimes I don’t, but there have been some who unmatch right away. And that tells me that they were probably either scamming or, um, like married and just tell me that they had no intention of meeting in person basically quick enough for them. Yeah.

And then if they unmatch right away, they had no intention of meeting in person. I had one guy basically get really mad about it and say like, I knew he was a real person actually, because we had, we knew some people in common and we both worked in similar fields. Um, and so somebody who I used to work with now worked with him.

So I knew he was real, but I still wasn’t gonna, I just said, I don’t, I don’t give out my number until, until a first date. And he like flipped out telling me that that was a weird preference and that my preference is like blocking connection. And he just threw a fit.

And I was like, thank you for showing me who you are. Um, and then I also basically before when we’re ready to meet in person, I say, I asked for a last name. I say that I need to know your first and last name before we meet in person.

But I think in the profiles, what I’ve seen when they’re scammers is that they don’t actually answer the question correctly. Like the prompt, like the prompt will say, um, like an interesting thing about me is, or something like that. And then their prompt will say traveling to Brazil and movies and film or something like that.

Like it does like the, their response does not match the prompt. And then the photos always look like way too good to be true. A lot of the times, maybe they’re catching, catching on now and like trying to look more like regular people.

The background usually is AI. And then when, when they’re chatting with you, you can tell there’s something off about their language, but I haven’t been using. So I got off the apps, um, around the end of November last year.

And in November 1st was when um, met, met Jake and, and I didn’t really use, I didn’t use the apps. I wasn’t off of them, but for like the first month that we dated, I was still on them, but I wasn’t looking at them. Cause I was like, I think I met a guy that I like and who likes me back.

And it happened, um, for now I’m so bad. I’m like, that’s my, that’s my big, um, scar. And my, my trauma around relationships is that it’s really hard for me to be like, I’m never, I’m never going to be like to the day that I die.

Now I know if I’m ever with somebody, I’m going to be like for now, because it could end at any time. Like I can’t control him. I can’t get really, I mean, things might change.

So it’s really hard for me to be like, I don’t say things like I found my person. I found a person that’s for me right now. Yeah.

That’s why I was saying like, I’m going to give this a try for this relationship. We’re going to try. Yeah.

I just, I can’t, um, I am like totally in it and committed, but I still am just kind of like always catch myself just being like for now and whatever. But, um, I don’t want that to make it sound like I I’m not committed to him because I am. Um, but yeah, there wasn’t a lot, people weren’t using chat, chat, GPT last year.

It’s like, it is a 2026 thing. So, um, he’s been around a couple more years than that. I know, but people weren’t using it to just write their dating stuff back then.

I mean, maybe some people were, but not like the way they are now people are not having, they like last year people were just starting to be like, Oh, I can have AI write my email. Like it was just, but now it’s like so prevalent that everybody’s using it just to craft their, people are using it just to craft a text message or to craft their craft, their dating messages. And so I didn’t really, I could tell when somebody wasn’t like, there was something off about the way they spoke when it was a scammer.

Like I had a gut feeling based on the way that they presented themselves and that kind of stuff. So, so it’s different now, I think with chat, GPT and stuff being so available to write your messages for you. I agree.

And there’s, there’s an app called our time that is, um, really being pushed on Facebook to people my age. And I tried it and I firmly believe that all it is, is AI is it’s, it’s using AI to get your information to sell it to companies. I firmly believe that’s what it’s like because every person I talked to on there, like when I thought of my profile and I got it going, it was going like all these people supposedly liking me, like right away, like 20 people.

And then you start talking to them and they’re like, where are you from? What do you do for a living? How many kids do you have? What books do you like? What kind of clothes do you wear? What kind of car do you drive? And it was just like cataloging this information. I’m like, they’re probably selling this information to companies. How convenient they get paid by people like me trying to find love.

And then they also get paid by the companies that they’re selling my info to specifically targeting people in their fifties and sixties. So after you’re using now. Right now I’m just on Hinge and eHarmony.

Okay. I never used eHarmony. Hinge to me just kind of was the one that most people and most people use.

So it just worked out that way. And I actually like the interface more than the other apps. It gets, I think it’s the best one that I’ve seen.

There is Duet, a new one. I keep seeing stuff about Duet. No, I just saw that today.

I just saw that today and I was doing a little digging on it and people seem to like it, but they say that because it’s new, like the people that you’re being shown are either too far away or too few. Yeah. Maybe, maybe cause not enough people are using it yet.

Yes. So let’s hear some of your, uh, your stories. Let’s hear about your experience in the last year.

So the story that made me the dating professor, because before this I did have a TikTok, but it was mostly, I was doing tarot card readings just for fun during the pandemic. I was teaching myself how to do, how to read tarot. So if you look at my TikTok and you go back a little bit, you’ll see all these tarot readings.

That’s what I used to do. Well, I went on this date and I was like, that was so bizarre. I’m going to ask TikTok what they think about my date.

And after I posted this, um, it got 1.1 million views and so many comments that people were like, that’s really weird, Tina. I agree. That’s really weird.

So, um, I matched with this on Facebook dating, which is also trash, trashy, but anyway, very attractive man. And we talked really briefly and we just decided, Hey, let’s go, let’s meet for drinks. He goes, where do you want to meet? And he’s in like the little town, maybe 30 minutes from me.

And I’m like, well, there’s this little bar that’s pretty close. I can meet you there. And he goes, okay.

So, um, I get ready, I’m in the car and there’s this huge like wreck. And so I texted him. I’m like, Hey, I’m sorry.

I’m going to be so tiny bit late, but I’m on my way. And he’s like, oh, well I’m going to be late too. So don’t, don’t sweat it.

And I said, okay. I still beat him to the bar, even though I was in the traffic. And I texted him.

I’m like, Hey, I’m here. Um, I will go ahead and get us a table and wait for you. And he goes, oh, well, I mean, don’t get a table because that implies we’re going to have food.

This is just drinks. So I was like, uh, he goes, and you know, they might need a table later if it gets busy, like they may need that for someone who’s I’m like, uh, okay, sure. We did this.

We did agree just to make a drink state. Okay. So I go to the bar and I order a beer because I, I do meet, meet guys for drinks, but I usually just get one beer.

That’s my role. I don’t get a cocktail. Usually I just one, it’s just a setting.

It’s not a lifestyle, you know? And anyway, he was late. Like it still took him 30 minutes, 35 minutes to get there. And I was late.

So I was waiting for 30 minutes. I was waiting for him at the bar, which I don’t love to do that. I don’t love to wait in a bar by myself.

And anyway, he comes in and I mean, was not catfish. I mean, nice looking, dressed nicely. Uh, I could tell he was wearing some expensive cologne.

He sits next to me. He’s got a good personality and he’s good. He’s got a big personality.

He’s like, well, hello, pretty. Oh my gosh. You’re so pretty.

So I knew right away that he thought I was attractive. So that’s, you know, um, and just as we just sit there, we’re just having a drink. He orders himself.

Yes. He made me a Henry and she goes, what a Henry? She goes, I don’t know what that is. Uh, what is that? And he goes, Oh, well it’s half Tito’s and half champagne.

And she goes, sure. I can make you a half Tito’s and champagne. And then he turns to me and he goes, she doesn’t know what that is because I made it up.

It’s my drink. It’s my signature, my signature drink. And I’m like, okay, cool.

Cool, dude. Anyway, I was like, okay, I think you’re more impressed with it than she is. But anyway, um, Henry, yes.

Okay. Yes. And so, um, he goes, and we’ve been there about it.

Cause like, like I said, we were going to meet at seven and then he’s late. And so by the time, you know, things are going around, it’s like eight 30 and he’s like, well, gosh, you know, um, I just like you so much at it, but I have this other thing that I have to go to really briefly. Like my friend’s having a birthday party and I promised that I would drop in.

Um, and I can’t just stand her up because she always makes me like this vegetarian dish that I like. And, and, and so I really have to go to go to my friend’s house. It’s like a, and she’s having like a cookout and everything.

And he goes percussion kind of don’t even want to go now because you’re just so fascinating and fun and everything. And I’m like, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s fine. Like we were just meeting for drinks.

Please go to your friend’s thing. And I’ll talk to you later. And he goes, okay, how about this? How about this? I go to my friend’s thing.

I walk in, I say hello, 45 minutes tops. And then you and I meet up and do something else. What do you want to do? What do you want to do? Do you want to go dancing? Do you want to go play pool? And I’m like, actually, you know, I’m kind of hungry.

Cause it’s like, it’s like eight o’clock now, eight 30. Um, we could go get some food. And he went like, wow, that’s, that’s why you’re out here.

Like all these women I meet, they just want, they just want me to buy them dinner. That’s what they want. And I’m not here for that.

And I went, are you serious? And he’s like, yeah, like, you know, I’m not about to just like be somebody’s penny bank or something. And I’m like, so that’s your worst fear, right? That you’re going to meet me and I’m going to take you for your money for a dinner. That’s your worst fear on a date.

And he goes, yeah, happens to men all the time. Women take advantage of men all the time. And I was like, let me give you a little perspective as a single woman.

Your worst fear is I might run up the tab and you might have a big bill. My worst fear is you might try to hurt me in some major way, like physically, emotionally, women get hurt on dates every single day. I’m taking a risk meeting you here tonight.

He goes, what do you mean risk? And I’m like, what do you think I mean risk? It’s a risk for women to meet men that they don’t know. I said, but here I am trying to meet you, trying to meet somebody. I’m taking a risk to meet you.

And then you’re insulting me by saying that I just want you to buy me food. And I’m like, let me tell you something. I have a job.

I have a checking account. I could buy my own dinner. And he goes, oh, well, thank you for that perspective.

I appreciate it. And I do mean it that I want to see you. I do like you.

I do think you’re very attractive. I do want to see you. And I said, well, I mean, I’ll think about, I said, I’ll think about meeting you later.

But if I go home, I’m going home. Like I’m not going to come back out. He’s like, okay, well, just let me know whatever.

Um, no, this is the really weird part. And I said, so I’m going to go get food because I’m hungry. That’s what I’m going to do right now.

And he’s like, okay, okay. So I went in, I went and got some food and I’m like, I’m just going to go home. Like, that was weird.

I’m not going to tell myself that wasn’t weird. I’m just going to go home. And here’s the thing.

He was a social media guy. He was trying to get his following because he liked, he was retired and he liked to travel and he was trying to just like travel, travel on his, on a Snapchat and everything. So when I went home, you know how like when you do exchange numbers with someone, sometimes their social media will pop up, you know, this person and his Snapchat popped up and I opened his Snapchat.

That man left the, left the bar, went to get food by himself at a restaurant nearby, made a post about it. Then he went back to the bar in which I had left and stayed there very late posting videos. Hey, so he lied about the friend thing.

Yes. He had, when I looked at his, his timestamp videos, he had gone to the friend’s house before he had come from the friend’s house to the bar. Hmm.

Like what, what is the point in all of that? Like, why do you think he did that? And that’s what I was asking TikTok. So he texted me the next morning and he’s like, Hey, pretty, what are you doing? How’s your day? And I’m like, yeah, my day’s pretty good. I’m like, and I’m glad that you liked our bar so much that you went back after the date and the ellipses in real time as he was figuring out.

I’m like, you know, if you didn’t find me attractive and you don’t want to see me, you didn’t have to tell me multiple times you thought I was attracted. You didn’t pretend like you wanted to see me later. We were just meeting for drinks.

You didn’t have the obligation to me, you know? And I’m like, that was weird. That was a weird thing to do. And he goes, you know, I don’t like it when women like my social media just to stalk me.

I’m like, dude, I’m not stalking you. You just popped up on my Snapchat. He goes, well, I did find you very attractive.

And I’m like, did you though? Did you find me attractive? I’m like, or are you just looking for social media stuff? And then when I posted that, ironically, that made me the influencer. Yeah. That’s what, that’s what got you attention for your dating stories.

That’s kind of happened to me too. When I told a dating story and I started telling them on TikTok, I was normally doing cat content because I have five cats. And so, and I started talking about dating on TikTok and I really liked it.

It was really fun. It’s fun, isn’t it? And so yeah. And then I started the podcast.

I love that. Based off of the TikTok. Yeah.

That is so weird. And the way men think that women just want free meals. It’s so funny.

It’s so funny. Like I haven’t heard a single woman ever say that they want a free, free meal. Well, they won’t say it about them, but sometimes they’ll come in and go, no, that happened to my brother.

Yeah. He was taking advantage of a woman and she went to Red Lobster and she ordered $80 worth of food. And I’m like, oh, I’m like, well, you know what your brother could have said when she was ordering the food, he could have said, I’m not paying for that.

That’s all you got to do. I’m not paying for that. I went on a date once and it was like, it was pretty close to after, um, it was one of my first dates when I started dating again, again, after my friend had passed away.

And so I had told, told the guy that I was, you know, going through this grief and stuff and he was really nice about it. And I wasn’t really, you know, so when we met, I was telling him I was having a, I had, I had been having a rough grief day and I almost canceled the date. But then I thought about how much I wanted a burger, a burger.

And so I was like, okay, you’re going to go on a date. Cause you’re going to get a burger. And then he ended up like saying two checks, please.

Like without even saying anything to me, like, is it okay if we split this or anything? And I was like, oh, um, I, I mean, I didn’t, I don’t mind paying, but I like when they say, do you mind if we split this or do you mind if I pay for this? He didn’t communicate with me at all. He was just like two checks please. And I think he was just like, get me away from this, this girl, which is fine.

That’s why I like when they try to compare a woman buying too much food on a date to a woman getting assaulted or a woman feeling unsafe or whatever. Like we like to risk our lives for free food. I mean, that’s just how we’re wired.

We just want free food. We can’t help it. You know, like risk, risk, assault, risk murder, you know, that’s how we roll.

Yep. So, um, that was one of your first earlier experiences then you’ve been doing the TikTok thing for a little while. So listeners can follow Tina on social media at the dating professor, which, uh, I’m not sure if we were clear about that before and I’ll make sure I put it in the show notes.

And I always, um, share people’s social media on my website from all the guests. So I’ve seen two of your posts in the, there was the one guy that you actually likes kind of got the furthest along with, I would say maybe that’s the recent one. Yeah.

Yes. Can you tell that story? So I matched with this guy. I want to say, I want to say hinge for him.

No, it was Bumble. It was Bumble for him, but we had matched before on other platforms because I’ve seen him, I’ve seen him on the multiple platforms. So sometimes when you’re like, well, matches best or bubbles best, you see the same man on Facebook dating.

It’s, you know, sometimes people are just on lots of sites and he had liked me and I messaged him and I was like, Hey, you know, you have my number. You could just text me. And he’s like, Oh, okay.

So we went out and had a nice time. We got dinner and, uh, talked for a little bit. He, he was an impressive man.

I mean, he was retired army. He used to be airborne. He jumped out of planes in Afghanistan.

He had all kinds of stories about that. He was, he was, uh, he had medals. Um, he had awards.

I mean, I saw his awards, like they’re real, you know, you know, just an impressive guy, very attractive man. I was very attracted. He was attracted to me.

I was attracted to him. And so we went out on a couple of dates and then look on the third date, he goes, look, um, you know, we’re, we’re not getting any younger and we’re on these dates dating. So he was younger than me though.

I’m 55 and he was 46. Yeah. And that’s kind of where I date.

I don’t typically date men in the fifties. They just don’t ask me out most of the time. That’s a whole other thing.

But anyway, um, so he was like, what do you think about just dating each other? He goes, I don’t like, I don’t like to concentrate on a bunch of women. I, I like, I don’t have a lot of time for that. I have two kids and I, I like you and I’d like to get to know you.

What do you think? And I’m like, well, I mean, isn’t that the point of what, why we’re on these apps? And so I said, sure. I said, would you be okay with it being on social media that we’re together? Because that was another thing. Cause the previous experience I had where this man liked me, gave me a fake last name, lied about a bunch of stuff.

And so now I’m like, you, I asked for the last name. I want to make sure I can find them somewhere that I can identify them somewhere. People are like, that’s too much.

No, it isn’t. No, it isn’t. Um, and he’s like, yeah, put it on Facebook.

You’re gorgeous. Yeah, of course. So, you know, I was like, well, his friends and family will see it.

That gives it to me a little more legitimacy, you know? Um, and so we were involved for about a month, but there were kind of some red flags that I sort of, it was, they were bothering me. They were bothering me, but I was really trying to give it a shot. And then this one day I was over at his house, we’re sitting on the couch together and he gets a notification on his phone and I just happened to look over and it’s a Tinder notification because he had made a big deal.

Like, let’s get off the apps. Let’s, let’s not talk to other people. Let’s not do that.

Look, I got off Bumble. See, here’s the screenshot where I deleted it, you know, like made a big deal. And I went, you’re on Tinder? And he goes, I mean, yeah, I’m on Tinder, but listen, it’s an old account.

I don’t really check it. And I’m like, it’s a notification. Why would you get notifications if you’re not looking at it? And he’s like, look, I’ll delete it right now.

You don’t have to worry about it. I’m not talking to other people. I’m with you.

Um, I’m not interested. I don’t have time for other people. But see he had, he has these two kids and he goes, I’m supposed to get custody of them every other week.

But if I can get them more than I do, and I’m like, well, of course you should. But, and the other thing was, is the two kids had different mothers, but he always seemed to have both of them all the time. And I’m like, don’t the mothers ever want to see their children and be like, Oh, Hey, I can’t get together this weekend.

Cause I got the boys or Hey, I can’t get together this weekend. Cause my mother’s coming in or Hey, I can’t. And anyway, I was just, that really bothered me.

Like I was really bothered. I’m like, look, I can’t be with somebody I can’t trust. And that’s, that’s a red flag to me.

And I can’t, I can’t ignore that. I can’t live with myself and ignore that. But I didn’t say it right then.

Cause I needed to kind of think about it. And he was really big on like texting me in the morning. He always texts me good morning.

And, um, usually I would text him in the afternoon or something. And we kind of had fallen into a rhythm that way. But the more I thought about it, I’m like, he’s a liar.

He’s lying. Probably half those times. He said he had his boys.

He probably didn’t have them. You know, like I, I just can’t with that. That’s too much.

And so, um, text me the next morning and I didn’t really say anything. Cause I was still thinking about that. I was like, I got to break up with him, but I don’t know.

I’m thinking about how to do it. And then he texted me like around lunchtime and he goes, well, I guess you’re mad. So I’ll just let you be.

But when he ever, he just went like right to like, well, blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, what would I be upset about? What’s there to be upset about? Right. Yeah.

And then he’s like, well, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

And I’m like, you know what? I’m going to, I’m going to step back from this. I don’t, I’m not feeling this anymore. And he’s like, okay, that’s fine.

That’s fine. And then I knew myself. So I went ahead and I just within 30 minutes had blocked him everywhere where I couldn’t change my mind or whatever.

I didn’t think he was going to reach out to me, but I felt like I might reach out to him. So I went ahead and blocked him, but this is the update. So today I went on this singles page.

There’s a bunch of different in San Antonio, there’s singles pages. There’s, you can choose. I found a singles page and I joined the singles group.

And typically what you do is you post your name and your age and the picture. And then people come in and say, hi to you. So I posted my name and my age.

And I said, hi, I’m Tina 55 within minutes. This anonymous poster showed up and said, Hey y’all, this woman here, she was in love with, and then says the full name of the guy. She was in love with just nine weeks ago.

She was in love with him. So she moves really quick. Nine weeks, nine weeks ago.

That’s quite a while. It’s quite a while. And it’s a specific timestamp.

Isn’t it nine weeks? And I was like, first of all, it didn’t work out obviously. And second of all, nobody said love. So weird.

And so I was thinking about it. I’m like, it’s gotta be him. It has to be him.

Who else could it be? Like who else pays attention to other people’s relationships when they start an end? Like we have our, we have our own stuff going on. And I was like, in love. I never said that.

I never said that. And you said it was like a month. Yeah, we were together like just about a month.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Like a month is nothing.

He was in love with the full name of the man. Yeah, that is so funny. And I thought I was kind of taken aback at first.

Did you respond to it? Um, that’s I said, I said, uh, well, obviously it didn’t work out. And nobody said love. So here we are.

That’s kind of what I said. Yeah. But it kind of like freaked me out a little bit.

And I sort of just left the page. Yeah. But now I kind of want to go back on the page and post again and see if he says it again.

And then I can say something like, who, who was that? Yeah. Like, I do not know who that is. That wasn’t a relationship.

I was just using him. Or what I like to do when people do things like, like, do something like that. It’s like, what an odd thing to post.

Just like, what an odd thing to say. An odd thing to point out just to make them like more uncomfortable with like their choice to, to call something out or say something or do something weird. And I’m never the clever one that can just come up with something like, of course, I think of a million things later, like I could have said, well, maybe if he hadn’t been on Tinder, while he said he was with me.

Yeah, no. So anyway, it was really weird. That happened today.

Wow. What are the the commonalities that like, make you roll your eyes? Like when you’re talking to men? Like, what are the things that make you go just like, you are like, all the same. Everybody says the same thing.

What are the cliches? Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the High Beautiful. Anybody that anybody that like gives me pet names before they know me, even when you know me, like, I don’t really like it. Yeah, well, and just the coming on too strong, right away.

Just immediately talking about sex, immediately talking about sex with you. Immediately, you know, talking about how they have needs, you know, why? Why are you talking to me like that? You don’t know me? Do you want a chance with me or not? Like, do I look like I’m 55 years old? Do I look like, you know, I mean, I had a man tell me, people are going to talk to you like this, because this is because you look like he said, you present a very sensual personality, you come across as sensual. And men are going to respond to that, like, they can’t help it, they’re gonna, they’re gonna respond to how sensual you are.

And a woman like you is built for sex. And we can’t help that. That’s what we think about when we look at you.

And so you’re just gonna have to realize that that’s how men are. And at a great age, you’re just gonna have to just accept that. I’m like, No, I don’t.

Oh, that is. And to me, I’m like, I understand. I mean, not that I understand a lot about male psychology.

But it seems like men in their 50s should have a handle on that more than like men in their 30s or men in their 20s. They shouldn’t be as driven by that. But they just are.

It seems like it’s just varying degrees of how much they’re willing to tell you. So this kind of like, is good segue into our listener question. So the listener question is, how do you go about dating men and wanting a relationship like wanting to find real connection and build a relationship when so many of them want to just hook up, like hookup culture is real.

And so this is something that takes a while to kind of, I think, as you as you date, you start to get better at like, realizing when somebody is just looking for a hookup or wants to hook up right away. Well, I’m learning, I’m learning some tricks. If I went into my tick tock, the amount of people who have brought up the haystack method is is enormous.

And I’m not I’m not that quite burn to the ground, but I have sort of started weeding a little bit. And I tell people I put in my profile. I’m not a hookup.

If you’re looking for a hookup, that’s not me. If I talk to someone and they start with the innuendo or whatever, I’m like, look, I don’t mind flirting, but I’m not a hookup. And so if you if you’re saying you want something real with me, you’re going to have to dial it back or this isn’t going to work out.

And I give them like that chance. But if they don’t dial it back, then that’s what they want. You know, I also tell them I like to get to know people over the span of time before I do that with you.

Not that it’s off the table, but I need to know you. I need to feel safe with you. I need to trust you because I obviously, like I said, dating, I didn’t know dating was like in twenty twenty six and I’ve made some mistakes.

I’ve learned some stuff. And so now I’m like, if you’re if you’re in a hurry, then move on to the next person, because I really do want to be friends first. Mm hmm.

Yeah. I learned that if they bring up sex or innuendo in that, like when we’ve been chatting on the apps and haven’t even met in person, when I first started dating after things ended with my last partner, I would let it slide a little more in there. Like when we smashed on a dating app, if they would make little, little sex joke comments, like if I said I was I need to take a shower and they would say like, well, I’d like to hop in that shower with you or something like that.

I would let it slide. And every time, every single connection where I let that slide, they either unmatched me, ghosted me like without a word because they realized that I wasn’t giving that back to them and I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t going to be somebody that engages in that kind of behavior with them or the one person that I actually met.

And like he was really upset that I didn’t sleep with him and he like kissed me good night and basically like groped me. And I got really scared. I thought he was, I was scared that he was going to actually like attack me and it was inappropriate and it was scary.

And that was somebody who had made a lot of like sexual innuendo that I just kind of let go and ignored. And so I, I basically think that if the man does not have the sense to keep that, keep that inside, like I, you know, you can match with someone and think they look hot and I hope I get to sleep with them. That’s fine.

But when you start making those comments, like you don’t have very good judgment, I don’t think. And I just, I don’t even give at this point, like it is a deal breaker. If they bring up some kind of like innuendo flirtatiousness around sexy stuff, it’s a deal breaker.

I also don’t, don’t let the chatting go on for more than a week before we schedule a date. Me too. Yeah.

Because that’s another way that like people who are just not serious about building a connection and meeting you and being real. And I think that if anybody asks, asks me to come over to their place before I’m comfortable, if, if we hadn’t, if we hadn’t even met in person yet, and they asked me to come over for like our first date or ask if they can come over for the first date, I just automatically say no. And this is over because that’s, that’s obvious that they don’t want to actually get to know me.

What they want is to get me alone. Right. So, so I just don’t even, I don’t, and some people I used to say like, well, I’m not comfortable with that.

Can we meet someplace in public first? And then usually they would just unmatch or something because they realize, Oh, but that could put you in danger where they’re going to try to get you to go home with them after the date. Like that’s their goal. Their goal is not to get to know you, even if they change their mind and decide to meet in public for the first date, they still have that goal of their goal is to get you in bed.

Yeah. I think that’s a good, I also have that rule. Like if, if it’s been about a week and I tell, I tell them, I’m like, let’s get together sooner than later, you know, sooner than later, if it’s been about a week and there’d been no movement, then I’m probably, I’m probably going to unmatch because I think a lot of the men on the apps are married and they’re using the apps for dopamine hits, you know, and I’m not, I don’t mean it for them.

So I do, I do think that that that’s valid. The way that I’ve come to kind of like express this is if you do not want to participate in hookup culture, don’t accept any hookup culture behavior, even if it’s just a little hint of it, that means that they want, they are wanting to engage in hookup culture. And you shared recently on Tik TOK that you went out with somebody and had a great time and things were going well.

Right. And then, and then, um, for a second date, he wanted to cook you dinner or something. The second day he wanted me to come over to his house and watch a movie on Netflix and have pizza.

Oh, he didn’t even want to cook for you. He’s going to cook. He’s going to order Domino’s.

And, and I was polite, but I was like, I was like, you know, that sounds nice. At some point I would like to be in a place where I feel comfortable. I can go to your house.

We can watch movie in and have, we’re we’ve only had one date. We’ve only had one date and I’m not, I’m not comfortable. I basically said, that sounds nice, but I feel like that’s skipping some steps and getting to know you.

And I’d like to get to know you. And when I posted that on my Tik TOK, I had so many people come in and go, wow, you were mean. You were mean to him.

He was just trying to dare. You just think that’s what he wanted. It’s just being a nice guy to be more polite.

You, you, you did perfectly fine. You sound like one of those women who just wants a dinner bot. Yeah.

But then what was his response when you said, I’m not, that’s not what I’m ready for just yet. He did a thumbs up and then he said nothing the rest of the night. And then like, it’s like 10 30 and I texted him and I’m like, Hey, uh, good night.

I hope you have a good night. And I hope you reach out tomorrow. I’d like to see you and just let him know I’m still interested in him.

And then the next day, all day, nothing. And he had been like regularly texting before then. He had probably texted me on the day that he offered the Netflix and pizza.

He probably texted me six times that day and he was working too. So he knew how it worked. He knew, Hey, I got to talk to her.

She’s got to be thinking about me. I’m going to like plant the seed to hang out with me. And the other thing was, is I’m not going to go out with you at six 30 at night.

You can’t just call me. And I’m not just going to like rush around and get ready and go out with you when you had all day to make plans with me. Like at six 30 at night, I’m having dinner and I’m probably in the middle of grading papers or something and I’m not going out.

Like I’m not going out. I’m not a go out at 10 o’clock at night person anymore. I’m 55 years old, you know? Yeah.

But yeah, he never, he never reached out again. And then that was it. Thumbs up.

That was the last I heard from him. And this was the people are moving too fast in this app. I’m trying to find something real, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So don’t listen to what they say. Look for consistency in their actions and look for movement as trying to make something go forward, you know? And so I did text him that that same night, about 10 30. And I was like, well, yes, you’re not really that different than most of the men that I’ve met on here.

Guess you’re just the same. And he was like, well, how dare you? You don’t know me. And I’m going to go ahead and end this.

And I’m like, I’d already decided that I wasn’t going to go forward with you whenever you tried to get me to your, to your house. Yeah. Like there really wasn’t anything wrong with his request.

He can request it. Yeah. The, but what was wrong with it was his response.

Like not, but to me, like, you know, I’ve, I’ve definitely had second dates where I’ve been like, can we just watch a movie at home? Like, one thing about me is I’m super lazy and I don’t want to leave my house. So sometimes I’ve been known to just invite them over on a second date because I’m lazy. And if I really, if I, if I feel comfortable with them and had a good time or, and whatever, but every once in a while, not, not like regularly, it’s perfectly fine to say, I don’t want to go to your house just yet.

And like, that’s for the, for the guy to be like, basically ghost you afterwards, you know, changes behavior completely. That said what he was looking for a hookup. Yeah.

He wanted to, you know, get you in bed. And we do have to be careful as women on so many things, right? Like we have so many things that we have to think about that men never, never crosses their mind to hold their keys in their hand on the way to the car. It never crosses their mind to park underneath the streetlight.

It never crosses their mind to be careful when you’re going to somebody’s house. None of this, none of this bothers them. But as women, we have to be careful about if, if I had said, sure, I’ll come over regardless of how I felt.

He was going to view that as implied consent, right? He was going to view that as she knows what she’s doing. She’s a grown woman. She’s coming over here.

She knows we’re going to be alone, whatever. And somebody in my comments said, you know, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re the one making it evil.

He was just probably wanting to get to know you. And if something went too far, you could always put a stop to it. Me, that man was six inches taller than me and he works out and he was built like a truck.

Sure. Yeah. If you want it, if you wanted to hurt me could, and then you would be saying, well, why’d you go over there? Why’d you go over there? Yeah.

What were you wearing? Yeah. So you should have known better. I, I definitely like do not recommend going over to their home or having you them over to your home in the first like few dates, even though I have not always followed that.

But I do feel like with my honed skills of like verifying who they are and like getting their last name and like all the stuff that I’ve like put together that I have reduced my risks of at least getting murdered. I still, I still don’t think it’s like, I don’t think it’s the best move. I like, I don’t think it’s very smart, even though I’m I’ve been known to do it on the third, like second or third date.

I have a video about this, like the second man that I met that I would actually say that I’ve ever had feelings for in this whole process. Like I was starting to get feelings for him. I wasn’t, I did ask for a last name, but he gave me a fake one.

And so when I tried to look it up, I couldn’t find anything. I’m like, well, he must be okay. I can’t find anything.

No, that’s not how it works. There were some red flags there too, but we had not really been seeing each other that much. And, but I recently started talking to him again.

And so we were planning to see each other and just randomly one day his Facebook page showed up in my feed. And I’d seen his Facebook page before, his single one, married one in which he had pictures of him and his wife and his daughters on a cruise at Christmas. And I was like, I don’t understand.

I don’t understand. Like, this doesn’t make any sense. And he also, I had blocked him everywhere.

Like I said, not, not because he’d done anything wrong, but just because I was trying to disengage, but I was doing the live and he came into my live and he was like, kind of heckling me a little in my live. Cause the topic of the live was what to do if like nobody, if they don’t text you back, that was the topic. And he was like, interesting topic, isn’t it? That what to do when people don’t text you back, blah, blah, blah.

But the issue was, is on his TikTok, it had a different last initial. And then he was trying to use it for like his business. So when I clicked the message me, it showed his real last name.

And whenever I, I’m not, it was not real. Yeah. If I don’t find anything on you, I, I won’t like, I need to find something to verify who you are.

There was somebody who I agreed to go on a date and I asked for his last name and he gave it to me and I could not find him. And he had told me he worked for the state of Washington. So I’m in Washington state and in Washington state, you can look up all of the employees.

And so I tried looking him up by his last name and his first name and I couldn’t find him at all. And he’d also said that he worked for, he said like health, health and social services, but he said it the department, not the way that we say that department in Washington state, you know, like in Washington state, we have the Washington state department of health. And then we have D S H S this department of social and health services.

And so he, he switched that around and said something different. And so that was a clue to me that he didn’t, that he was lying about his work. And then when I went and looked him up in the state directory, I couldn’t find him.

And so I, I canceled the date and said, I’m actually not interested. And then I got a message from Hinger Bumble saying that a while later saying like, you know, we, our records show you matched with this guy and he was banned from the app for whatever behavior, I don’t know. And so I was like, wow, like my, I did my due diligence and I canceled the date because I couldn’t verify who he was.

And that was a good thing. And then I saw him on a different app with a different name and a different type job title. Did you report him? I can’t remember if I reported him or not.

It was a while ago. So, so yeah, I’m like, if I can’t verify you, I won’t go out with you. I have a whole video about that too.

Yeah. And people are like, I don’t want to be giving someone my last name. Sorry, if I’m meeting you in person and I’ll give you my last name.

If we’re meeting in person, I deserve to know who I’m meeting in person. And so do you. All right.

Well, thank you so much for, for joining me, Tina. I think that, you know, you’re still, you’re still out there and doing your, your dating as a professor, becoming a professor of dating. So again, if everybody could give Tina a follow on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook, you’re on all of those.

Yes. As the dating professor. And I will make sure that I share it where I share all of the information about my, my guests on my website and in the show notes.

So thanks so much for, for joining me and sharing your story. I really didn’t know your, your origin story that you hadn’t dated since basically, basically never, because if you got married when you were 18, I married the guy I went to prom with let’s put it that way. Yeah.

That’s, that’s the American dream, Tina. You lived the American nightmare. Oh my gosh.

It is the American nightmare for a woman. Well, how do you feel about your life now? Oh, I’m just figuring it out. I mean, I’m, I’m happy.

If I don’t find somebody, I’m okay. I have a full life. I have, I have three kids.

I have a grandson, you know, I, I work a lot. I’m working on my scholarship on the side. I’m, I’m going to build a website that supports Southern women scholars.

Cool. And I got these projects that I’m working on and, you know, maybe when you’ll find somebody, maybe I won’t and it’ll be okay either way. That’s great.

Maybe. And what I keep saying is like, you know, maybe I’m like, I, I think maybe you’re like me and like, I’m a lover girl. I like having a romantic connection.

I don’t need it to be a complete person, but I like having it. And if that ends up being a string of romantic relationships with different people for the rest of my life, that’s fine. And if at some point I decide I don’t want anything to do with any romance, that’s fine too.

Fine too. Yep. My forever person.

I am my forever person. That’s good. I like that.

Yeah. So if that, if it happens where I end up with somebody that I grow old with and live with for the rest of my life, great. And if it doesn’t happen, that’s great too, because I’ll have lots of really cool experiences doing other stuff.

All right. Thanks so much. Thanks for listening to ask Elisa. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman. This episode was produced by me music by Jacob Patterson.