Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships in your late thirties and older. Today, we have dating and relationship coach, Carla Romo, back to do a Q&A episode. Woo.

Thanks for having me back. I’m excited. So, if you want to hear Carla’s story, please go back and listen to her episode, episode 22.

And we just have a list of questions and I think we’re both going to just share our takes on them. So, the first one I want to ask you, okay, this is something that I get a lot of. I see a lot of traffic around these topics, this banter, like what are the stages of dating? Like what do you consider? Like how do you identify these stages, you know, like talking, dating, what? This is controversial.

So, okay. I’m just diving right in. Okay.

This is my, these are my thoughts and the stages that I think work really well for most people. Okay. So, you meet somebody, let’s just do like modern dating.

You meet them on an app. That’s fine. You go on a date with them.

But guess what? It’s okay to date other people while you’re also going on a first date with somebody new. So, you have a second date lined up with someone else. So that’s okay.

You’re just in the dating stage. This is what I call dating. Okay.

And you go on that first date and then you’re like, whoa, that person’s awesome. You go on that second date with somebody else. Okay.

Not, not the person you just went on that awesome first date with. And that second date was fine. But you know what? You really liked the person that you just went on that first date with.

So you’re like, let’s go on a second date. And then you have another first date lined up and you go on another first date and you’re like, not as good as this person because that person that we just went on that second date with now is amazing. I’m going to go on a third date with them.

And now maybe you’re like, Ooh, this is kind of nice to like get to know this person a little bit more. Some people keep dating. Some people are like, I’m going to just see where this goes a little bit.

I just kind of want to invest my time into a third date without going out with anybody else just to see how I feel. Right? Okay. That’s dating.

That is literally what I define as dating. Now you can use it interchangeably. He and I are dating can also mean that you’re in a relationship with somebody.

It’s the context of how you would use it at that point. But from there, you all of a sudden you’ve gone on, I don’t know, let’s say seven dates and you guys decide to sleep together. And you’re like, Hey, you know what? I don’t really want to be sleeping with other people and sleeping with you.

And I don’t want you sleeping with other people. Could we be exclusive? I know it’s a little too early to define the relationship, but can we at least be exclusive and see where this goes and only date each other? And look, if you decide to sleep with somebody else, you want to date other people. Just let me know.

Great. So you have this like trial period. So it’s sort of this like, you know, you’re still learning.

You’re not like meeting their friends and family just yet. Like you’re growing into this space. And then all of a sudden you’re like, we’ve been going on so many dates.

It feels like they’re my partner. Hey, just curious. Like are we like official? Like are we boyfriend, girlfriend? And the person’s like, yes.

And then boom, you’re now in a relationship and your boyfriend and girlfriend. That is typically what I’d say modern dating pretty much follows. What do you think counts as the talking stage? We’re talking.

So that’s, that’s that like early dates, like one through three, right. Where you’re like still going out with other people maybe, or it’s acceptable to go out with other people. A lot of, it’s interesting.

A lot of men that I coach do not like dating more than one woman at a time. And a lot of women are okay dating more than one guy at a time. It’s just like, it’s interesting how it kind of works that way.

Because I feel like men get this like rap that like, oh, they’re like players and whatever. I don’t think women are players by dating more than one person. But a lot of men are actually much more like, I just like to focus on one person at a time.

So I think the stereotype like men, you know, are out there meeting a bunch of women is like kind of bullshit. But yeah, that’s kind of the ones who are already in the relationship that are meeting a bunch of other women. That’s a red flag.

Yeah, exactly. Uh huh. Yeah.

I would say I consider the talking phase, like when you match on a dating app, and you’re like chatting to see if you want to meet in person, I call that the chatting phase or talking phase. Okay. Yes.

Sometimes it lasts a day. Sometimes it lasts a week and, and like there’s been times where I matched with somebody who was busy, say they had their kids this week and weekend and so we weren’t going to actually meet for two weeks. And so basically, we had a talking stage that was two weeks before our first date.

Yeah, I don’t, I do don’t allow more than like, four, four or five days of chatting without a date being scheduled. It can be scheduled out like a week or two and a half later, but I feel like yes, if somebody doesn’t want to meet me, we don’t want to meet each other after five days of chatting. Then I feel like they are never going to want, we’re never going to want to meet each other and that it’s just, it’s not happening.

And so some people, there are people out there who just want to message with people. Yeah, I know. That’s how you avoid it by setting that boundary for yourself.

Yes. I always say give it a one week. And then if they haven’t asked you out, or they’re like not moving the needle, or you’re like, where’s this going? Stop responding.

They’ll either get the point of like, the point of like, and this is primarily the advice I’d give women who don’t want to like, ask a guy out right away kind of thing. They feel like more traditional in that, which I’m really big on like, it’s totally fine to ask men out. But if they’re like, no, I don’t really want to ask, then I say give it one week.

If they don’t ask you out, stop responding. And then from there, if they don’t answer, you know, say anything else or whatever, there’s your answer. You were just pen pals, done.

Or sometimes the guy will come back and he’ll be like, Oh, shoot. I just realized like, you know, or do you want to go out and like realizes he should have asked her out and that’s okay. Like, but I’m also really big on like, for women, like, it’s okay also to ask the guy out too.

Yeah. I always, I just say like, I’d like to meet. Yes.

Or if you’re up there, I’d like to meet. And if somebody says, Oh, I really like prefer a little more chatting, that’s fine. Then I would say, yes.

Okay. And I’d give it more time if it seems, you know, if things are going well and they just want to have a little more chatting, sometimes when a person has like newly started using the dating apps or just got back into dating, they are not used to it yet and they want a little more time and that’s fine. But I generally, I like about five days and three days, like three days you should be going on a date of like, at least like consistently talking back and forth, like by day three, you guys need to be like making plans.

If you go on a date and you’re still kind of like getting to know each other. And if you go on one day and then the second day is planned, I consider it dating. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, but if you go on a date and then you decide not to see each other, like it’s over. So there’s no need to like say anything.

Like we went on a date. We’re never dating though. But if you go on multiple dates, yes, you were dating.

Yeah. And I kind of do that. Like, like I’ll, when I, when I was dating, I would have multiple first dates kind of planned, but so many of the first dates were just first dates and nothing more.

Yes. I know exactly what you mean. Rarely had the time where I was actually dating.

I was never actually dating two people at the same time because I’d have like three first dates in a series of time. And maybe there’d be a little overlap, but the first date and only one of them would progress to a second date. You know, it’s funny when I met my husband, he and I both went on, well, he went on another first date after our first date.

And then I went on three. I went on a second date and then I went on two first dates. And after like our first date and I actually ended up canceling a second date.

Cause I was like, he and I went on a, went on our second date and I was like, I really like this guy. He’s really quick. He’s great.

And I just was like, you know what? Like nobody else right now that I have gone out with is comparable to him right now. So I just want to see like where it goes from here. And he did the same thing and we didn’t talk about it.

But we, I mean, we eventually talked about it, but like, he also was in the same like pattern. It was a really interesting, well, I’ve been, I’ve been the other woman in that where a guy has texted me and said, Hey, you seem really cool. I had a fun time on our date or two dates, but I, there’s somebody else I’ve been dating who were, were, I would like to be, um, putting my, you know, get to know them and like, I wish you the best.

Great. That happened to me twice. Uh huh.

That happened to me too before. Yes. And that does happen.

And I think, I don’t think I ever had to word it like that to anybody. It was always just like, I don’t think we’re a good match because that was the truth. Like just because somebody else, it wasn’t because of the other person that I wanted to stop anything.

It was like, no, this is just not a good match. Yeah. That makes sense.

So, um, I would love to just kind of blast through some of the questions, but they’re kind of like a bit of, they’re all, they all need some explanation. You’re only getting two questions days guys. Yeah, I know.

I wanted to do a few. So, um, so let’s just talk a little bit about first dates. What expectations do you think somebody should have on a first date and what are in a short interactions? Like what are some ways to assess the compatibility? Zero expectations.

Zero expectations. It’s going to go great. Zero expectations.

It’s going to suck. You need to go in with what your needs, your wants and your deal breakers are. You also, and that with that lines up your compatibility.

So what are your values? You got to get clear on that. People are like values. Abso-fucking-lutely.

Values are huge when it comes to dating. It is the reason most relationships do not last because you do not have the same values. And so you want to be able to make sure you have similar values.

What does that look like on a date? So you go on a date, say family’s really big to you, right? You go on a date and you’re not going to sit there and talk about family drama and that kind of thing because that would be inappropriate. But you’re on the date and you’re talking about, Oh yeah, I’m like really close with my family. They live in San Francisco.

I get to go see them all the time. Like what about you? And they’re like, Oh yeah, like mine’s in, you know, uh, Texas. And then you can ask like, Oh, when was the last time you, like you, instead of like, are you close with them? When was the last time you got together with your siblings or when was the last time you got together? Like you saw your parents.

I was like, Oh, it’s been like eight months. Okay. So maybe there’s some differences there, right? Like you value, you value how you spend the time differently.

Of course there’s more to it, right? Like maybe it’s like you have a sick parent who can’t travel as much and you’re really just there for work and it’s like you can’t get home. That’s fine. But you kind of start to learn a little bit more about somebody’s relationship dynamics in the values and then that can help assess like, is this compatible or not? Yeah.

You’re gathering information and not like what one piece of information, unless it’s a deal breaker, isn’t going to make or break. But when you compile it together, that’s how you can really make your decision. Yes.

Yeah, totally. And like I ask about, you know, film and television and art because like I really value creativity and if they’re just like, well, all I really do is, um, exercise, like I don’t want to go to a museum. I don’t care.

I don’t know any movies, you know, or if they just say like the only movies they like are like Marvel movies, like I’m not gonna, I know that we’re not going to have this compatible kind of like value, which it took me a while to realize that this creativity and, uh, was a value. Yeah. I really realized that I need somebody who values creativity.

I just thought like, Oh, I like creative guys, but they don’t need to, they don’t necessarily need to be creative, but they need to value creativity and value expression through creativity. Does that, that makes sense? Like I feel like podcast. Yes.

Got me to realize that that, that is actually the reason why I found these guys who their only hobbies were video games and, uh, exercising and taking their dogs through the walk or only activities were like sports or skiing and stuff. It’s not because they’re boring people because I mean, I, I’m sure I’m fine, like I love, I’m fine with those things, like they can still like those, but I need that value of creativity. It’s a, it’s really important to me.

Yeah. That’s cool. I love that you figured that out through the podcast.

That’s amazing. Yeah. I like talking about this all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. So I like that.

No, it’s like go into a date without expectations. It’s going to help you be more resilient with the outcome. And also present on the date.

You’re not sitting there thinking about, do I want to see them again? You’re literally just going in and like, I’m just going to go be surprised. I’m not going to get too excited. I’m not going to future trip and make up a story about how they’re the one I’m also not going to go into this of like, Oh, they’ll probably not be great, but I’m just going to go on a date.

Cause this is what I’m supposed to be doing. You’re just going on the date. Oh yeah.

And then what about people who do can’t really help it, but get really excited and, and just like their hopes are really, really, really attached with people who get attached really quickly and like, what do you, what do you tell your clients that are just like, you know, basically obsessed with it, become obsessed with a stranger or attached to a stranger because they’d only gone on three dates with them and they’re going to be devastated after that third date when they say, sorry, I’m not interested. Okay. I literally no joke was just telling a client to do what I’m about to tell you guys to do like this morning.

So she gets my client, she gets really excited. She doesn’t always get excited, but when she does, she gets excited and then she future trips, which is, Oh my God, I could totally marry this person. Maybe they’re the one.

Right. And that is easy to do. I have been there myself before.

When I was in my codependency and I was dating, I’d be like, yes, I could marry this person. I’m going to marry them. It’s like, no, you’re not Carla.

And thank God you didn’t. And so, and so what I say is like, you go into the date, right? You can be excited because I don’t want you to shut off excitement. If you shut off excitement, you’re shutting off other emotions.

So you can’t compartmentalize our emotions. Like you can’t say I’m going to like shut off excitement, but like, I’m going to like also, I don’t know, like be sad and disappointed. Like you just can’t, like you can’t do either or you’re shutting everything off.

So what I say is go in excited and you can’t control your first thought, but you can control your second. So the first thought is, oh my God, I’m going to marry this person. Your second thought is, and this is, you’re going to hate me for saying this to those out there who like the future trip, but it has only been two dates.

This person’s a stranger. I don’t really actually know who they are. I don’t know anything about them.

I need to stay grounded. And that’s the second thought. That is like almost exactly my advice in my, um, how to make the date, how to make dating apps less exhausting.

Yes. Good. Yes.

I love those thoughts. When you are after the date and you’re driving in your car and you’re just like, oh my God, I’m so excited. I can’t stop thinking about him.

When are they going to text me? Did they text me? I got to text them. You know, like why haven’t they texted me back? You know, that’s where I, that’s where you say out loud to yourself, I’m excited about this person for now. And it feels good.

However, I’ve only been on two dates with this person. They are a stranger. So I’m very excited about this person for now in this moment.

Yep. Yep. I couldn’t agree more.

Yeah. Woo. I love it.

This is why we’re aligned. Yes. I love this.

Yes. What does healthy texting look like to you and in early stages of dating? Consistency. Okay.

If you, if you follow any of my social media stuff, I talk about consistency nonstop. You want, okay. Green flag is that the person’s consistent.

Somebody can be consistently inconsistent and that’s a red flag, but here’s the thing. You want somebody to actually follow through. Do they need to text you back immediately? No.

Do I think that they should be texting you back immediately? No. Do I think that they should be waiting days to text you back? Absolutely not. There’s a happy ground, happy medium that you can kind of dance with the other person.

Here’s the thing though. Text them. Like don’t just wait.

Oh, they waited four hours. Now I’m waiting four hours. We’re not playing games here.

Be authentic. Be genuine. If you find yourself getting carried away with the excitement, so like what we were talking about earlier and you’re texting and texting and texting, slow it down because that’s going to cause for a crash and burn when you move really, really quickly.

Everything was really fast and somebody pulls away and then you’re like, oh my God, what happened? I thought everything was going well, right? You don’t want things to move too quickly and you also don’t want them to move so slow that it goes nowhere. So text them. You want to ask also like my husband did an amazing job of this when we were dating and dating in the earth.

That’s what I call it. We were talking about dating before we were exclusive or anything like that. He was asking me like really good questions about myself.

He was genuinely trying to get to know me. He was not doing good morning Carla. He was like asking me like, oh, like you said you really liked the beach.

Like what, you know, what’s your favorite part about going to the beach? What do you like about it? Something like that, right? Like I’m just an example, but like he wanted to like get to know me. This isn’t deep. This isn’t like, you know, we’re getting to like therapy.

No, cause he’s not my therapist. That would be codependency of like, let’s bond over our like traumatic stuff. It’s I just want to get to know you as a person and I’m going to ask some quality questions like that’s, that’s healthy texting.

Yeah. And not the, you know, good morning. How’s your day? What are you up to? Yes.

Yes. When you get into that pattern of just sharing your day, that’s not engagement. That’s not actually, that’s not, that’s going nowhere.

Yes. I’m so glad you said this. Yes.

So many people are used to the daily update style texts with their former partners or significant that, that that’s what they think needs to happen. Yeah. And you could also, if you like somebody and you have another date scheduled and you’re texting in between, you can say, Hey, what’s, what kind of, what’s your texting style that? Yes.

That’s a great question. People have different texting styles and if you know what their job is and what their work is like, they’re going to say like, yeah, actually I don’t text while I’m working. I don’t, I don’t really text much on my breaks because at that point I am eating and going to the bathroom or doing my own.

Yes. Yeah. And so I don’t really text during the day.

I only text in the evenings or, you know, whatever it is to have that information to help set your expectations in check too. Yes. It can be exciting and feel good, but texting too much can just, what I say is you need to have a balanced, a balanced experience of a person to actually get to know them for real.

And so if all you’re doing is if you’re, if it’s unbalanced and there’s way more texting than time together in person, you’re getting an imbalance and you don’t actually, you’re not getting an accurate picture of the person. What I say is you create a false sense of emotional intimacy. Yes.

Yeah. It’s just, it feels so good. Yes.

Until it doesn’t. Yes. How do you know you’re ready to date after a breakup? Like what are some, what are, how many people are like, you have to be healed, but okay.

So healing is a journey. It’s a process. Okay.

So like what I talked about in the previous podcast episode, like you can be triggered in healthy relationships with the right person because you’re still going through like a new, a new approach to the feelings of healing with somebody. Now there’s a difference. If you’re using somebody to heal, this is where it becomes unhealthy.

If you’re, you know, talking about your breakup early on into dating with your date, that’s inappropriate. Like that you’re not there to, they’re not your therapist. So like, that’s a problem.

If you’re comparing every person you’re dating with your ex, like comparing them and not just like, are they better, but are they like worse than I act like that? That’s not good. I also think too, I’m just going to be real with you. So like you need to give yourself some time after a breakup you do, because if you hop right back, even if you’re like, but we are basically broken up.

Like it’s just, you know, for months we weren’t, you know, really in a good spot. So like, you know, it just feels like we’re like done. I’m like, no, you still have to go through a grieving process.

If you have yet to go through an actual grieving process and it doesn’t have to be anything crazy intense, but like you do need to grieve and process it. And if you do not do that step, that is your biggest indicator that one, you’re not grieving So you’re going to take whatever was left in the last relationship and you’re going to bring it with you to your next relationship because you haven’t processed what was going on in that relationship. So those are some of the bigger signs that I would say.

Yeah. I, um, I think that it’s different, you know, it’s always going to be different for every person, the time and, um, grieving looks differently for each person. And if you are dating to get out and have fun and do things and not, and not necessarily dating with the intention of filling the void of that person, or, you know, that you could potentially date in a way that is relatively healthy for, um, being out of a breakup.

But what I want to say is I actually disagree with you a little bit on talking about your breakup with, uh, early in early dating. I kind of feel like it’s a little, it’s a, it’s kind of normal to want to talk about this a little bit. It’s a normal question to ask, like, how did your last relationship end? It comes up so often.

And especially when you are a little bit older, because so many people are going through divorce and have kids. And so it often is relevant. And I think you can share the basics without getting into specifics and getting into that.

Like, okay. You know what I mean? Like you can share some of it. Of course.

I’ve seen some people be like, I had a guy be like, you talked about your ex the whole time. And I was like, no, I didn’t. First of all, like he comes to my house and I have a lot of furniture that my ex built because he was a furniture builder.

And so he’s like, that’s a really nice piece. What am I supposed to do? Like, I told him, well, my ex was a woodworker and then I’m like, you know, and I told him like we broke up this month and he let me keep this stuff, which is amazing. And then there’s like a piece that I told him, if you ever want this, let me know.

You can have it because it was really special. It took him a long time and I’m not attached to it. And so like I had this, like without saying anything about like the emotion of any of it, it was, you know, it was just like, you’re a red flag because you brought up your ex.

You know what I mean? So I think sometimes it’s used really hard and fast as a red flag or as a deal breaker. If somebody brings up their ex when, I mean, we all have lie, have pasts and it might come up and I think we should be mindful of how it’s brought up, what they’re sharing and, you know, so are they being thoughtful and reasonable about it? So you and I actually are agreeing. So something I tell clients to do on a second date or third date is to ask the specific question, which you actually said it.

And to put a preface, don’t, you don’t need to go into all the details cause you’re creating a boundary. And then you say, but curious, when was your last relationship? What was the reason it ended? Cause that tells you a lot. If they go on and on and on about their breakup, they’re not respecting your boundary and they’re using you as a therapist.

If they can put it in a nice bow of like four sentences, well, you know, you know, I was, I got out of a relationship six months ago and we just were really in this place that like wasn’t like right for each other. And so like it was kind of on and off, but then, you know, I got to a point where it was just like, it wasn’t working and we just knew it wasn’t right. So like we decided to end it great.

But if you start going into details about your breakup and like, you know, then they did this and then let me tell you the story that to me shows somebody who’s not ready. Great. Let’s do one more question.

All right. I have been dying to talk to somebody about this, so maybe, maybe it can be a little bit later, but what do you think of the five love languages? Oh my God. I literally just recorded.

So there’s a podcast episode coming out literally all about that in one of my episodes in months from now. Okay. Yeah.

Can you give me like a four sentence summary of what your thoughts are? Don’t go into all the detail, Carla, but give us a little hide now. Okay. So I think that they can be used in ways that are not helpful for relationships.

I actually think they only scratch the surface and they don’t really scratch like the needs of what somebody like needs in a relationship. So people can be like, Oh, but they, you know, words of affirmation is my love language and you haven’t told me enough that I, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it’s like, great.

Glad that you can get there. But there’s something deeper going on in your relationship around needing to hear that. That is much deeper that needs to be discussed beyond just the love language.

Yep. I think that, I think that could be helpful tools for people to understand that there are different ways that show, show love, but they’re, they’re often used to be like black and white when they’re not all right. So I see like the surface level thing because my primary, and I always say, what is your primary love language? Because you know, so many people are like, all of them are good.

Yes. All of them are good. Yeah.

But a lot of us have a primary one. And so like my primary one is words of affirmation. Mine too.

Yeah. Part of it is because I grew up not hearing anything positive from my father. And my dad was a little bit, he was actually kind of mean to me.

And so now I’m in this relationship, which is like on the podcast, Jake, people know he is super sarcastic and he teases a bunch and it’s how his family operates. And so I, and he is not somebody who just like gives words of affirmation. It’s just not how he is.

So I literally like, sometimes like he’ll tease me in a way and I’ll be like, that’s too much. Like, I have to be like, I know you don’t mean that. I like, cause he’s like, I’m just joking.

And I’m like, I know that, but cross the line and like, and it’s, and he knows it’s because of how I was treated as a kid. And like, for some reason, whatever it is, the way I grew up, I feel love more in my bones and my whole being when I hear it. It’s just like, it settles into my system more than, but I still, you know, I, and I was like, say like, this is how I explained it.

You’re always feeding me the most delicious food and it’s so yummy and I love it. And I’m so grateful for all this great food that you feed me. But sometimes I just want some, I want some French fries too.

Like every once in a while, I would really like some French fries. And it’s like, I’ll be fine if I don’t get those French fries. Yeah.

But it would really just make everything like the meal would be complete with some French fries. Yes. That makes complete sense.

On my husband and I’s fourth date, he asked me, oh, so what’s your love language? And I was like, oh, words of affirmation. But most importantly, what’s your attachment style? Because that is how I feel about love languages. I’m like surface level.

Great. Like to have an understanding, but how are you attaching? Because that is the game changer. Yeah.

And I don’t know much about attachment style. So maybe we can have you come on and talk about attachment styles. Oh my God.

I would love that. So let’s just prepare for that in the new year. That sounds great.

Yes. I’m excited to see you as a mom. I had a few more questions, but we’re out of time.

So maybe we could do another Q and A as well in the future. Absolutely. That’d be fun.

I think it’s so much fun. Yes. So I think we got into some really interesting stuff just with these few questions.

I think we could probably just talk for hours and hours. I agree. I agree.

But I have a client to go to. Yes. So thank you so much, Carla.

I wish you the best with your maternity leave and your new family member coming into this world. I know. Baby TBD.

We don’t know the sex of the baby. And it’s like, oh, is it a boy or girl? We’re like, we don’t know. We like surprises.

So yeah, I love that. That’s great. So yeah, everybody follow Carla @iamcarlaromo

Carla with a C. I’ll have the links in the show notes and also carlaromo.com. Yeah, that’s it. Thank you so much. Thanks.

Thanks for listening to Ask Elisa. I’m your host Elisa Sparkman. This episode was edited and produced by me and the music is by Jacob Patterson.