Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday, and after two years of dating, lots and lots and lots of dating, I’m sharing what I learned.

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I appreciate it so much. This is my third Dating 101 episode. If you’re new to using dating apps, or if it’s been a while, you may want to listen to my first Dating 101 episode, episode 15, on how to start dating.

That episode takes you from downloading a dating app, filling out a profile, up to matching with somebody. This episode is all about the initial chatting phase with a new match. And what I mean by the chatting phase, it’s the time when you match with somebody on an app and chat through the app or text messages before meeting in person.

When you get a match on the dating app, who should make the first move? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Many people will say in a hetero setup that it should be the guy, but you’re both on a dating app, you’re both there for the purpose of dating. So it’s not like you need to pretend you’re not looking until they send you a message and be like, who me? You want to talk to me? Friend, just send the message.

You can do it. It’ll be okay. In my opinion, the best opening message should be simple and personalized.

Never a cut and paste of the same message that you send to every match. You might think we don’t know, but trust me, we know. Look at the person’s profile and see if there’s something on there that sparks a question.

This shows effort and real interest. Always start with a hello of some sort and then make a reference to their profile, not their appearance. People don’t like that.

Women especially don’t like that. So here are some examples. Hi, I see you like to bake.

What are your favorite things to bake? Hello. That photo of you snowboarding is incredible. How often are you able to get up to the mountains? Hey, I see you’re from Austin.

I used to live there. Do you go back to visit much? You don’t need to impress the other person with your opening message. You don’t have to try to be super clever.

Just be yourself and show some level of effort and interest. If they don’t have a lot of information in their profile and you truly can’t find something in their profile to revert to, just do a simple question about what they’ve been up to lately. Some people find these simple questions to be a lack of effort, but I think if they like your profile, they’ll be okay with the simplicity.

The important thing is that you continue to engage in the chatting by showing those two key factors, effort and interest. Everyone has different preferences for how they want the chat to go. So there’s no one right way of engaging in the chatting phase.

A general flow that I’ve noticed over all the chats that I’ve engaged in is questions about the basics, hobbies, interests, work, family. Then you may share about values and beliefs. And then you might talk a little bit about daily life.

It usually looks like just asking questions back and forth. It’s really important that both people express interest by asking questions. If at any time you notice that you’re no longer interested in the person, you can unmatch them.

You don’t owe them an explanation other than, I don’t think we’re a good match. So thank you for your time. It’s no big deal.

This happens all the time. It’s not mean, it’s not rude. You’re on the app to date.

And if you know they’re not a good fit for you as someone to date, it’s better to just bow out then and there. I’ll talk more about unmatching a little later. The chatting phase is a time for information gathering to see if you want to meet them in person.

What kind of questions can you ask that will give you information relevant to what you want in a person that you date? For me, I need somebody with a sense of humor, a sense of humor that’s similar to my own. So I like to ask what kind of comedy television shows were their favorites when they were a kid and what are their favorites now? If they say shows that I also find hilarious, I’ll know that we have a similar sense of humor. But if they say shows with humor that I don’t really like, I’ll know that we probably don’t have very compatible senses of humor.

It’s not always a deal breaker, but it’s important information that I factor into my decisions around pursuing things with this person. Another question I like to ask is what’s a topic that you’re super interested in? One that you’ll read all the books about, listen to all the podcasts and watch all the documentaries on. I like this question because it tells me if there’s someone who likes to learn.

And I think sometimes we get caught up in the hobbies that are like doing something, something really active, like playing a sport or playing an instrument, that these kinds of interests get overlooked. And honestly, I think they’re just as interesting. Personally, I like to make sure that the person passes my deal breakers pretty early on.

My top three deal breakers are usually listed in the profile, no smokers, and they must share my religious and political views. And if people don’t list these in their profiles, I just don’t match with them. If they leave these options blank on their profile, I assume that they’re not very important to them and they’re really important to me.

So I think that we wouldn’t be a good match, but in the first six months of my dating endeavors, I would match with people who left them blank and then I’d have to ask about them. And every single time that I asked about them in the chat, we were not aligned. So I learned pretty early on that if they didn’t have a clear stance in their profile on these things, that meant they didn’t align with me.

I’ve also learned that there are certain hobbies that I just can’t get behind in a romantic partnership. There’s nothing wrong with the hobbies. I just know from my own experience that I personally dislike these hobbies and I do not want a partner who’s super into them.

So for me, I won’t date any hardcore gamers. Someone who plays video games every once in a while is fine, but somebody who has a full gaming setup or a whole gaming room and has to spend hours at a time gaming, can’t go a week without gaming, that’s just not for me. I’m also not into cars at all.

So I don’t want a romantic partner who is into like collecting cars and going to car shows. Like, it’s fine to like cars and think cars are cool, but I don’t want a partner who wants to spend significant time and money on cars. So to be clear, I have friends and family who partake in these things and I have no problem with it.

I love these people and like, great, I’m happy they have hobbies. But when you have a romantic partner, a person that you want to build a life with and make decisions with, you want to be aligned in certain things around, you know, how you spend your time and money. And so these are deal breakers for me.

I’m using myself as an example to show the kinds of things you can think about as you get to know a potential romantic partner. It’s okay to have your preferences and deal breakers. If their favorite thing in the world is something that you actively dislike, you’re probably not a good match for a long-term relationship.

Choosing someone to be your romantic partner, a long-term partner, it’s very different from just choosing a friend. I say be as picky as you want, but also know that you’re just chatting with the person, you’re getting to know them and taking the time to get to know them and going on a date or two is not a commitment. It’s totally fine to take your time and getting to know them and be open to different hobbies and things that you may or may not know if they’re deal breakers.

Over the course of going on a lot of first dates, which you could hear all about in my earlier episodes, I also learned that it’s really important for me to find someone who is creative. When I would go out with guys who didn’t really have a creative side, I just found that I really missed it and I didn’t realize it, but creativity is actually an important value that I have, not just a preference. I don’t necessarily mean that they need to be very talented or good at something creative.

I just really value creativity so much and I want to share that value. So as much as you think about the things that you don’t want when you’re getting to know somebody through the chat, you can also find the things that you do want. And of course you do that by asking questions and sharing about yourself.

As much as you want to know if they’re a good fit for you, you want to know if you’re a good fit for them. In the chatting phase, you should only share what you’re comfortable sharing. I found it helpful to actually show some vulnerability because the other person’s response could give me an idea of how they handle certain sensitive issues.

So for example, last summer I had a very tragic thing happen in my life where one of my closest friends in the whole wide world died unexpectedly from complications with pneumonia. She was only 40 and we’ve been close friends since middle school. So somebody who I texted with and talked to like daily for over 20 years.

Well, we didn’t text when we were kids because texting didn’t exist, but you know. We actually sent each other like literal letters in the mail back and forth from across town. It was the best.

Anyway, I took a break from dating when this happened. But then when I started dating again, I felt, you know, a little bit weird about bringing this up and nervous about bringing this up. I wanted them to know that I was going through this.

And so I decided I’m going to share it during the chatting phase. And I’m so glad that I did this. I would say this summer, one of my best friends died unexpectedly.

So I’m just letting you know that I’m navigating a lot of grief right now, a lot of new grief. And their responses were so telling. Could they hold space for something uncomfortable? Did they have to try to fix it? Did they brush over it and change the subject? So their response kind of let me know what kind of capacity they had to just be there and be uncomfortable.

Some men would respond with a stiff, I’m sorry for your loss. And like, that’s fine. That’s not the best, but not the worst.

And then another guy responded, if I could take your pain away for one day, I would. And then he proceeded to send me messages like, you are strong and you will get through this. I found this so off-putting and it was honestly quite weird.

I literally never met this guy. I only chatted with him for like an hour. And I even took screenshots of it and sent it to my other two surviving best friends.

And I was like, this is weird. Is this weird? And they were like, yeah, weird. It just showed me that his emotional capacity was not quite where I needed it.

And then there were men who would respond with, wow, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. And then ask me some questions about it.

And some would share that they’ve lost a parent or a sibling. I needed someone who could talk about it and hold space for it. So sharing about my loss early was actually really helpful to weed out the people who just couldn’t do that for me.

Now let’s talk about the pace and amount of chatting. It can be really exciting to match with someone who seems great. And then you have all this great chatting all day long, just back and forth, back and forth.

I definitely did this a lot over my time on the dating apps, but this can actually harm you. Constant texting can trick our brains into building up a connection that’s not really there. It builds a false sense of intimacy.

For someone to show who they really are, you need to see that their words and their actions align. So when all you have is words, you’re missing a big piece of the equation. And part of the reason our brains get tricked, it’s because receiving texts makes us feel good, especially if we’ve been craving connection for a while.

It actually kind of creates a dopamine loop and is a bit like a drug. It’s like a hit. It feels good.

In this chatting phase or talking phase, sometimes people will send like good morning texts and good night texts. And I think that’s overkill. It’s kind of like expecting consistency for something that isn’t earned.

So you don’t really know each other yet. I think that it’s important to set some boundaries around the chatting phase. Try to stop yourself from all day chatting.

Instead, I recommend that you turn off your notifications and only check your messages a few times a day. And maybe there’s a time of the day like the evening or before bed where you can chat consistently for a couple hours while you’re watching TV or doing something else. And you can always let the other person know that you make time for chatting in the evenings or whatever time you set so that they know that you’re interested and you’re just not an all day chatter or all day texter.

Another boundary that I like to set that not everybody agrees with is that I keep chatting in the dating app until after meeting in person for the first time and we want to see each other again. A lot of people will ask to move the chat to texting on your phones instead of staying in the app before you meet in person. They might say something like, Hey, can we switch to texting? I’m not on this app very often.

Or this app sucks. Let’s switch to texting. And I respond by saying, I prefer to stay chatting on the apps until meeting someone in person.

And this is another time where their response gives me more information about them. Are they going to respect my preference? Or are they going to throw a fit or unmatch me? I’ve had all three of these responses. Most of the time the men would respect the preference.

They’re like, sure, no problem. It’s like the app is not that different from a phone. So I one time had a man throw a full on tantrum when I didn’t want to give him my number.

Here’s how it went. Man. Call me.

Gives me his phone number. Me. Oh, I don’t give out my phone number until there’s a first date.

Man. How could you have a first date without a phone? That’s a weird preference. Who says we even make a first date? Me.

We might not. I know many people who don’t exchange numbers until after a first date. It’s not weird at all.

Man. If we met in person the first time, you’d probably have given me your number. Additionally, this app sucks.

So engaging here longer than necessary is not a value add. I asked you to call me, not give me your number. You could have blocked your number to still have some dialogue, but it seems your preference outweighs connection.

You don’t have to call. Have a good weekend. Me.

Seems like you’re upset over me expressing a preference, a preference that has to do with my personal comfort around dating. So you’d think that this would have been the end of it, but no, this guy started sending me voice messages over the app. He sounded very angry in his voice messages.

The first one was something like, Wow, you think I’m upset over this? You must be really bad at your job and communications. I don’t even know what to say. I guess just have a nice life.

So I know I should have just let it go, but I responded with my own voice message. And I said, You know, you could have responded by saying that you get that I don’t usually give out my number, but you’d really like to connect over the phone. So maybe I could make an exception this time.

Because honestly, if he had done that, I probably would have given my number, but instead he just started bashing my preference, right? So that’s, that’s so, ugh. I’m very glad that this happened because then I ended up avoiding this guy. But anyway, after I said that, he responded and it sounded like he was like gritting his teeth and foaming at the mouth with anger.

This is what the voice message sounded like. Okay, Lisa, I’d really like to connect with you, but maybe we can talk on the phone. And then I just replied in the message and said, No, thank you.

And then he sent me another really angry voice message telling me to have a nice life. I didn’t respond after that. It’s really frustrating to me when people try to move off the apps before meeting in person.

Dude, you signed up for the dating apps. There isn’t much difference between texting through the apps or directly on your phone. Some of the apps even have call and video call features.

So I understand that some people like to have a phone or video call first. And if they politely and respectfully share that preference with me, I would be understanding and consider making an exception. But honestly, that guy takes the cake for just having a full-blown meltdown over the littlest effing thing.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about unmatching. Unmatching on the dating apps. So people match and unmatch all the time for all sorts of reasons.

If you match with someone you’re excited about and they unmatch you before you even get the chat going, there’s no point in reading into it. Maybe they decided to take a break from dating. Maybe they met someone and agreed to be exclusive.

Woo, good for them. Maybe they matched with you on accident. Maybe they looked at your profile again and realized that you specifically say that you want people that match your religion, and then they don’t.

So they were being respectful of your requests. They are entitled to unmatch you for whatever reason they want. And I mean this in the nicest way when I say it, but whatever that reason is, it’s none of your business.

And this goes both ways. You’re entitled to unmatch someone for whatever reasons you have. If you haven’t started chatting and you realize you actually don’t want to connect with this person, it’s completely fine to unmatch without a word.

If you’ve chatted a little bit and want to unmatch, the kind and respectful thing to do is to send them a message and say, hey, it’s been nice chatting with you, but I don’t think we’re a good match. Thank you for your time. You can say whatever reason it is, and you can be truthful, but just be simple.

You don’t need to overexplain yourself. So you could say, hey, it’s been nice chatting with you, but I’m going to pause chatting with anybody right now while I get to know somebody. Is it okay if I check back in with you if things don’t work out? And they might say yes, or they might say no.

When you give your reason, you don’t need to explain it. Take accountability for your decision to unmatch and stand by it. It’s okay.

You don’t need to say anything about what they did to make you lose interest. Just speak for yourself, not about them. So I don’t think we’re a good match.

That’s all you need to say. I’m going to delete the apps. I’m tired of dating.

I’m going to pause the apps while I explore a connection with somebody. Thanks for your time. I wish you the best.

We don’t need to be sending paragraph-long explanations. That’s exhausting. No need to do that.

If for any reason the person is rude, disrespectful, inappropriate, or makes you uncomfortable, please just unmatch them. You don’t need to give them any kind of explanation. They’re not worth any more of your time and effort.

If they aren’t showing you respect and kindness, you don’t owe it back. And you do not need to teach them a lesson. That’s not your responsibility.

I’m sure they know what they’re doing. You’re responsible for your own behavior and not theirs. And you are not responsible teaching another grown adult how to be respectful.

I highly, highly urge that you unmatch at the first sign of rudeness or disrespect. If they’re showing up this way in the beginning, it will only get worse. And it’s an effective way to protect your peace as you use the dating apps.

So there’s actually an abuse tactic that’s really common during the chatting phase. It’s called test and apologize. This can show up in the chatting phase, and I think it’s really important that you be aware of it.

It’s a way for someone to see what they can get away with. Not everyone who uses this tactic is like a full-blown abuser. But when it’s used, it’s often not used in good faith.

The way this looks in a chat is when someone says something sexually suggestive, and when the other person shuts it down, they say they were kidding or they didn’t mean it like that. Or if they make an inappropriate joke and the other person says it’s not funny, just they apologize and agree like, oh yeah, sorry. So let’s go over some examples.

Now, I’m a woman who dates men, so my examples are of men doing this. I’m sure there are ways that women engage in this behavior as well, but unfortunately, it’s more common for men to behave this way on the apps. Our patriarchal society has lots of explaining to do.

Anyway, so these are real actual chats. I’m not making these up. So in this case, they’ve been chatting for like an hour and it’s going well.

Woman, it’s been nice chatting with you. Can we pick this up tomorrow? I need a shower and get some stuff done. Man, okay, but what if I join you in that shower? Woman, no thanks.

I’m really not into sexy talk before I’m in a relationship with someone. Man, it was just a joke. I’m sorry if I offended you.

When I first started dating after my long-term relationship ended, I would let stuff like this slide. And I will tell you from experience, any match that had this kind of sexualized flirting before we met in person did not work out. If I didn’t wind up ending things after they continued this kind of behavior, they unmatched me when they realized I wasn’t going to indulge them or they ghosted me right before we had a planned date.

And in one case, I actually went on a date with a guy like this and then he got mad that I wasn’t going to sleep with him on the first date. And at the end of the date, he kissed me goodbye. And I kind of went along with it because I was like, whoa, like, okay, I guess he’s kissing me even though he’s mad.

And then he aggressively groped me. It was like he was saying, well, if you’re not going to sleep with me, I’m at least going to get something out of it. It was pretty scary.

I actually, um, I got scared and I kind of put my hands up on his chest and looked at him and kind of like smiled and said like, hey, I’ll text you later. And just like, I went into that, what they call fawning because I didn’t want him to think I was like scared of him or anything, or I just wanted him to leave. So things turned out okay, but he did send me very angry, mean text messages the next day.

The sexy flirting might seem innocent, but trust me when I say that it is not innocent during the chatting stages before you’ve met in person. Are there exceptions? Maybe. But if you’re looking for a casual sexual relationship and nothing serious, you want somebody who’s respectful of your boundaries and your body.

I strongly believe that things should not turn sexual before meeting in person. This may be different if you’re specifically looking for sexual partners. But if you’re looking for something like that, maybe you should still be aware of the test and apologize tactic, right? Like if something crosses a boundary and you, and you call it out and then they apologize, it could very well be something where they’re pushing, pushing against your, your perceived comfort zone.

That’s what it is. Test and apologize can be any behavior that pushes against any perceived comfort zone. It may be a joke about violence against women.

It could be a statement that’s racist or homophobic. It could be suggesting an activity that puts you in a vulnerable position for the first date. In the chatting phase of dating sexually, I almost felt like I was reading like the law and order thing because it’s like sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous.

In the chatting phase, in the chatting phase of dating, sexually based test and apologize interactions are incredibly common. Here’s another example of what they might look like. Okay, we’ll say this, this man and woman have been talking back and forth for a little while and they’ve been asking each other questions.

The man says, what are your most sensitive body parts? Woman, oh, I don’t engage in any kind of sexting before I’m in a relationship. Man, ah, I meant like ticklish feet, that’s all. Here’s another one.

It’s 5 59 a.m. Man, my cat woke me up at five and now I’m horny. Crickets, no response. An hour later.

Man, shit, wait, sorry. That was probably very inappropriate. There’s been no texting.

Next day, 5 0 6 a.m. Man, damn, another early morning horny bathroom break. Two minutes later. Man, wait, shit, sorry, my bad.

These are taken from real actual chats and texts. And when it comes to test and apologize, it’s those instances where basically they’re only joking if you’re not into it. All right, so I covered test and apologize.

I hope that helps you be more aware of these little tactics that people can use to be manipulative, honestly, or to see what they can get away with. So moving on, let’s just talk about what kind of questions you can ask to get to know somebody. All right, you can ask, what was the best vacation you’ve ever been on? And if they’ve never had a great vacation, oh, that’s sad.

You can ask where they want to go and what would make a vacation great for them. What were you like in high school? Do you have any friends that you’ve stayed close with since childhood? Have you ever been in a fist fight? This is a good question for women to ask men to gauge potential violent behavior. What’s your favorite dessert? Do you prefer big cities or small ones? Do you listen to podcasts? Which ones do you like? And why is it ask Elisa? Do you like true crime? Do you have a happy place? When was the last time you laughed so hard that you had trouble stopping? Do you have any favorite books? Do you have any movies practically memorized? And then here’s a couple of random questions that I like to ask.

I always like to ask, do you like mushrooms? And do you like beets? I find that these are two foods that a lot of people either love or hate. I love them. I also like to ask, how do you feel about ketchup? People usually have a lot of preferences around ketchup.

I don’t know. Sometimes when they have like, they say like they don’t like ketchup or they only like ketchup on french fries. I say, Oh, so you’re a ketchup snob.

It’s a little way that I tease people because there are some definite ketchup snobs out there. My ex was a ketchup snob, you guys. And then like whenever I would make my burger and I would put like, I love a burger or a hot dog or whatever, like a sandwich.

I love tons of condiments on my burger. And my hot dog and my sandwich, like just loaded up with condiments. Yes, please.

And my former partner always shamed me for it. You know, I don’t really talk bad about him very often. I want everyone to know that he always said, Ugh, I can’t believe you like to make your burger so wet.

And I’m like, yeah, I like it this way. I love it like just dripping, dripping condiments everywhere. It’s delicious.

Okay, sorry. You know what? He can have fun with his dry ass burgers. I don’t actually have anything bad to say about him.

He was a good guy. Anyway, let’s get back to you guys. Okay, I’m not here to just vent.

I’m here to help you. The main thing to remember is to be yourself. You want to be authentic.

So you find someone who is truly a good match for you. This is for all of dating, like your dating profile, through your chatting, through your dates. Remember that you’re not just trying to attract anyone.

You want to attract someone who’s a good fit for you, and you want to be a good fit for them. All right, here’s a few other tips. When you’re chatting, use complete sentences and limit the use of shortening words down to the letter.

Like spell out the word you as Y-O-U and not just the letter U. This might seem silly, but when someone is constantly shortening their words, it can come across as low effort. Doing it a little bit is fine, but full words and complete sentences feel more like an engaged conversation. Remember that sarcasm and jokes might not land well over text, over messaging, especially when you don’t know each other.

Try to minimize talking negatively about dating and dating apps. It’s fine to share your experience when it comes up in conversation, but we all know dating is hard. We know dating apps aren’t usually wonderful experiences, so you don’t need to hash it out.

If the app you’re on has a voice message feature, use it. It’s really nice to hear the voice behind the person you’re talking to. All right, friends, now the next big question.

How do you turn the chatting phase into a first date? Either person can express an interest in meeting. If you’re enjoying the chat and feel like you want to meet in person, you can say something like, I’d like to meet in person if you’re interested. You don’t need to be formal or fancy about it.

You’re on a dating app. You both know that meeting in person is the next step. In the initial chat with my boyfriend, who I met on Hinge, I put in the chat after we’d been chatting back and forth.

We had really good banter, and after I think maybe a day or two of chatting, I was like, I think we should meet in person. And he responded, I think so too. Ladies, you can initiate meeting in person.

You do not have to wait for the other person to ask you. I personally feel most comfortable meeting a person after two to four days of chatting. And when I say two to four days of chatting, that doesn’t count the days you chat after you, you know, you’re not scheduling the date right away.

You might schedule a date for the following weekend or something. So you still have some more time to chat. And you can always change your mind.

If they say they need more time chatting before they’re ready to meet, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not interested. You can ask, do you have a preference for about how long you chat before meeting in person? And then follow their lead. I personally feel that if you go over a week with chatting and not scheduling a date, you might be entering pen pal territory.

They might agree, but then have a busy schedule and not be able to schedule it right away. And that can sometimes be true, or they can also just be putting it off and have no intention of meeting. If someone is continually putting off meeting in person, here’s a message you can send them.

I’m on the dating apps because I want to date. It’s important to me that I build connection in person and not just over messages. Would you like to schedule a date? If not, we probably aren’t a good match.

And if their response isn’t working with you to get that date scheduled, then you can tell them. It’s been nice getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a good match. Thanks for your time.

And I wish you the best. Now, if they say yes to the date, you can ask, what kind of vibe do you like for the first date? And then you can make suggestions based on what they say and get their input. I recommend keeping a first date relatively casual.

I usually tell the person that I like a casual first date and I think of it more as a vibe check. I like to meet for coffee or ice cream. Ice cream, yes, I love ice cream.

Or food and then just sit or walk and talk and get to know each other. See how we can communicate face-to-face. Some women would really like the man to plan the entire date.

I think it’s most important that each person show effort and interest. And for a first date, be accommodating to whoever is expressing preferences. Men, men, listen to me.

Remember that women have way more safety considerations to make when meeting a stranger. If a woman expresses a preference, a boundary or a need, respect it. First dates should always be in public and each person should always take their own transportation.

Men, do not ask women to come over for a first date. Do not try to go over to their place for a first date. Do not try to get them in your car.

If you offer anything and they decline, it isn’t about you. It’s about their entire existence as a woman in this world. Respect their words.

And then on the days leading up to the date, you can check in and chat a little here and there and always confirm on the day of the date. You can send a message just saying, hey, looking forward to tonight. And that’s enough of a confirmation just to say like, I’m still, I’m still, I’m still doing it.

So you can say, hey, just checking in, making sure we’re still on for tonight. And then they would say, yes. And you say, great, looking forward to it.

Something like that. All right. Hopefully all of this has given you some new confidence in the chatting phase on dating apps.

The main takeaways from this are to be your authentic self. And the two key factors, say it with me now, show effort and interest. And of course, be mindful of how connecting over messages can make you feel closer to the person than you actually are.

They are a stranger and you need to spend time in person to see that their words, actions, and behaviors all together to know who they really are. And remember, people are complicated and messy. We’re all just doing the best we can.

If someone isn’t a good romantic match for you, just move on and let them be. And if someone tells you they’re not interested, it’s not about you as a whole person. A romantic match is specific and special.

Most people aren’t going to be a good fit for that. That’s why it’s hard to find. A lot of people will come and go when you use the dating apps and that’s okay.

It’s not a failure on your part. It’s not a rejection of you. It’s just the complicated and messy path of existing as a human.

If you like this episode, you’ll probably like episode 17, Dating 101, How to Make Dating Apps Less Exhausting. So I recommend you check that one out too if you haven’t already. Thank you for listening to Ask Elisa.

I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman. This episode was produced and edited by me, Jacob, Jacob by Music Patterson. Music by Jacob Patterson.