Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships. This is part two of Chrys’s story. Welcome back, everybody.

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All right. Chrys is back for part two. If you have not listened to part one of Chrys’s story, episode 18, please go back and listen to that first.

You will be wildly lost in part two. If you haven’t listened to Chrys’s very first episode with us, because this is your third episode of Ask Elisa. Your first episode was episode 14 where you talk about your open marriage and your divorce.

You kind of allude to this crazy dating story that you have that you’re going to come back and tell. That was episode 18. Now here we are, episode 19, part two of your crazy story.

In a nutshell, you met a man while you were being so adorable during a karaoke night. I was actually thinking about how this is like a dream meet cute. Someone sees you up there doing silly karaoke and is like, she’s adorable, I want to get her number.

You’re not up there being like a superstar. You are just doing a Cher impression, singing Believe, being silly. You are four foot nine.

This tall man is adorable and tells his friends, hey, can you go find out if she’s single? They go and approach you and they’re like, nah man, she’s married. Then you’re like, but actually I’m in an open marriage if you’re okay with that. It’s just a really cute meeting.

I think about how often people are like, I want to meet somebody organically. I want to meet someone in real life and not on the dating apps. I just want to say, I say it often actually, there’s no morality tied to how you meet somebody.

There can be danger on both sides. Absolutely. Meeting somebody in line at the bank, that person can be a psychopath just like meeting somebody on a dating app can be a psychopath.

Absolutely. Anyway, it was very cute. I would be so excited if somebody saw me singing karaoke and was like, adorable, I want to date her.

Yes, that’s a dream come true. Yeah, I’m fully being myself. This is me a thousand percent.

The fact that somebody was like, hey, I want that. Yes. You start dating and you’re dating him while you’re in your open marriage.

You were like, I’m ready for monogamy and your husband wasn’t. And you parted ways amicably. Yes.

While you were still dating, Gamer was the name that we gave him. So you were dating Gamer as you got divorced and you and Gamer decided to be monogamous. Yes.

And after you’d been together for three years, monogamous for like the second half of it. Yeah, almost a year. You had some suspicions around his potential connection with some other women online.

And you got connected with one of them and they confirmed your suspicions. So then you decided to look at his phone and you found way more than you bargained for. Yes.

So can you just recap what you found? Yes. So just a bunch of messages that he had sent on Instagram, through Telegram, and there was another… Signal. Signal, yeah, app.

So I went into those messages and I saw just, yeah, those were the messages for prostitutes in Mexico and massage parlors here in town. Yeah, I was wondering if somebody like that was having… You said like the messages from sex workers, prostitutes in Mexico were saying like, hey, when are you coming back? And massage parlors were like, hey, we got new women in. Want you to know, it seems like if he was getting messages from local massage parlors about new women being in, that he was likely frequenting them quite a bit.

Yeah. And I was wondering if you had thought about potential sex addiction. Interesting.

I mean, I didn’t consider that necessarily. And we can get into that. I don’t know much about sex addiction.

I never watched Californication or that show that was about it. I don’t really know much about it. I mean, I think he had an addiction to just attention.

And I think it was attention to women. And to be quite honest with you, he had trouble maintaining an erection sometimes. And also he had trouble like ejaculating, so cumming in general.

So he, you know, for like the first year and a half, we were very sexual a lot. And then after this whole thing, like, you know, changing and becoming monogamous and it would just be me and him, it like dropped off a cliff. And so, you know, and again, too, right, some of the things where I was just like, you know, what’s happening here, what’s going on? And that was a big part of it too.

So a question that I never asked him and I never got an answer to was something I was very curious about, which is, well, what are you doing with these women then? What are you doing with the sex workers and with the massage parlors? If you have trouble maintaining an erection and you have trouble cumming, right, what are you doing with these women? I never got an answer to that because I honestly was afraid of it. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to. I’m almost afraid of it because I don’t believe that maybe he was even having sex with them, but maybe doing something else, more violent or more, yeah.

Scary. Yeah, exactly. Do you wonder if there was some sort of element of like thrill that he needed to be able to? Perform? Maybe.

Like, you know, like you were saying, monogamy made you, made him like, that’s when things change. So maybe it was like, oh, I’m sleeping with this married woman. I thought about it, that maybe he is a cook.

Okay. And he didn’t know that he’s a cook and that he did, he was able to like, I guess. Perform.

Yeah, perform. Let’s just say perform. Able to perform because he had this idea that I was still having sex with my husband, which was funny though.

Cause when I would bring it up, I’m going to give you an example, but whatever. When I would tell him, cause just to communicate and keep things transparent that I had, you know, I’m hooking up with my husband or whatever. He would tell me that he didn’t want to hear that.

He was like, I know that you’re doing that. He’s like, you don’t have to tell me that you’re doing that. And I’d be like, okay.

But yeah, after I broke up, you know, after I ended the marriage and you know, his sex drive kind of fell off a cliff, I wondered that I was like, maybe he’s got this like cuck fantasy that, you know, and again, maybe not having the language for, not understanding that that’s how his drive works. But yeah, after I broke up with my husband, it was very much this like. Interesting.

Yeah. So I don’t know what he was doing with these sex workers. But yeah, part of me was afraid to ask because I thought it was probably even more disgusting or distressing than I even wanted to know.

Yeah. I wondered, what is he doing? I have a friend who told me that she went to a massage parlor to, just because her feet were really hurting and she just needed a massage and she didn’t have really great insurance. And so she went and she was like, they were so amazing.

They treated me so well. It was beautiful inside. Everything was so great.

And then she said that all the clientele were men coming in and out. And then she’s like, but yeah, I mean, it was so clean and beautiful and nice. And they did everything so well and they treated me so well.

And they were so happy to treat me and everything. I don’t really think that was one of those places. And I was like, sure, sweetie.

They were probably so relieved that you just wanted a freaking foot rub. And they’re probably like, thank God we’re getting a break here. Yeah, very much so.

And my worry with local massage parlors is that oftentimes there can be like trafficking involved and they might not always be practicing like ethical sex work. Yes, exactly. And I yeah, and I wanted to kind of make a statement on that because in the in the previous podcast episode when I was talking about him seeing prostitutes and even not saying the word prostitute might be a little bit derogatory because I don’t have anything against sex work.

I think sex work is real work. And then, yeah, some of these massage parlors are kind of notorious for sex trafficking. And so it’s a very different situation.

You know, you’re either putting somebody in danger or, you know, being a danger. Yeah, or like I guess patron patroning. What do you call it? Yeah.

Yeah. Like supporting with your money and your service. You know, a an establishment that has trafficking victims or profits from trafficking.

Right. Right. Yeah.

So that’s an unethical element. But I don’t have a problem with sex workers in general. Yeah, I love I love sex.

Yeah, I think they’re great. Those were those were a couple of things that I had thought about since hearing your story was, you know, like motive, I suppose, like sexual motive on gamers part. And then as as things ended, you blocked him.

But what has has there has there been any communication? Like what has gone on since then? Yeah. So when I broke up with him, I broke up with him at the end of May and by text, which we went over, it was two weeks before our three year anniversary would have been. And so he called me.

He called me and texted me after I sent the breakup text, you know, trying to talk about things, I guess. And I just I ignored all of that stuff consciously and also not consciously. But after I knew that it had happened more consciously and then.

Yeah, I very much wanted to cut things off. You know, I didn’t want him to contact me in any way. So I blocked him on social media.

I deleted all of his like friends and anybody who was like his acquaintances that I was friends with on social media. I deleted all of them. I made sure that I blocked his phone number.

I blocked him from messaging me on any app. I even blocked him from being able to email me and I didn’t want to hear from him at all. I was done and over it and wanted to move on.

But I think curiosity kind of got the better of me because around my birthday, which was six months later, right? So this is in May, end of May. My birthday is in December. I did unblock him because I wanted to see if he was going to try to contact me.

And I think too in the middle, maybe at some point I had also unblocked him to see, you know, if he had tried to contact me or whatever. And so I’m trying to remember if this was before the first time he tried to contact me on my organizational social media page, but I don’t think it was. So, sorry, December, this is my birthday.

I unblocked him. He did send me a text on my birthday. So this was towards the end of the night.

Honestly, like almost towards midnight. It was like 1155 or something like that at p.m. What did the text say? The text said, I think of you often. And so, yeah, it was, yeah, very gross.

And honestly, too, because I had unblocked him and went the whole day without getting anything. I kind of just forgot. And then like at the last minute, it just, even the timing feels manipulative.

Yeah, very gross. So he sent that message. And then my friend was in town visiting too from Texas, which I’m so glad too that she was here.

So then her and I obviously started talking about it, right? I was like, oh my God, you know, guess who can text me. So we started talking about it and, you know, just kind of picking it apart. And so essentially I was like, this motherfucker didn’t even say happy birthday, you know, no even acknowledgement that it’s my birthday.

And it was just so selfish. You know, I think of you often. It was, okay.

Like, it’s almost like he’s saying, I have this power to think of you whenever I want. I can have you in my mind whenever I want, almost. Yeah, very creepy.

I guess I didn’t think about it in that way, but now that you said it. Yeah, I don’t mean, and I mean like his, the whole story of him basically telling you all of these things, that showering you with love, making it, making him, you believe that he wanted to marry you, talking about getting a ring and just being the great boyfriend when the entire three years he was not being truthful. No, very deceptive.

Like it’s hard to know. And it was because it was the whole three years. It’s hard to say that it wasn’t calculated.

Right. I believe now that it was all calculated. So now when he does these kinds of things, it’s hard to not see it as calculated.

Right. Yeah. So, and it’s gone past that even.

So after the birthday text in January, my organization that I work for was running ads on social media and he liked it. And so after that though, then he had started following the page and he started liking all, like almost every single post, just like going back in time through the feed. And you’re the like, and I’m a social media manager.

Yeah. So, and he knew that. So yeah, I saw those two as him just kind of being like, Hey, Hey, Hey, I’m still here.

Don’t tap the microphone. I’m so sorry, Chrys. I’m so sorry.

Knock, knock, knock. He’s like, I’m still here. You can’t.

And it was more of a like, you can’t forget about me. And I’m not going to let you forget about me. It was more, that’s the way I kind of saw it, you know, but very manipulative, manipulative still.

And being like, you know, yeah, again, just like, I’m not going to let you fucking forget about me. But also wondering like what in his right mind made him think that I would share that sentiment, you know, any sentiment that I miss him, that I want to talk to him, that I want to hear from him. Like what in his right mind made him think that, you know? And also just like women, I don’t know.

I’ve always asked a friend like, Hey, should I text my ex? And they’re like, no, that’s a bad idea. Do men do this? Do men ask their friends? Hey, should I text my ex? No, they don’t. They don’t have friends that tell them not to do things.

Right. Right. And so, you know, most of them don’t.

All of his friends would think that I’m lying. All of his friends think that he is the best possible guy out there and that he is, you know, sun shines out his ass. It’s either that or they’re just like him.

It seems like that has to be like either that or they know and they don’t think it’s a problem or they do those things with him. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

And there have been times too where I’m just like, he’s lying to you guys. How do you not, like nobody calls him out on his bullshit, you know? But yeah, see, and all his friends who are about the same age as him are married and they have kids, you know, like they have lives. They’re not just like single guys with like a bunch of fucking free time to do whatever the hell they want with him or want to do with their time.

But also, I think that they didn’t have like the capacity either to be like, oh, he’s lying about that, you know, let me put two and two together and like call him on his bullshit. They were just like, whatever, I don’t care. You know, I’ve got other things to worry about.

Whereas I was in a relationship with him, so obviously when he said things that didn’t align, I’m like, hey, wait a minute. You said this yesterday and now you’re saying this, like that doesn’t make any sense. And you know, anyway, so I just felt like I was the only one who noticed these things and like everyone around him was either enabling him or just didn’t notice.

And when that’s the case too and when he gaslights you, everything around you is like proving him right and you wrong. Right, reinforcing. So, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And also like it’d be one thing for him to just be like this guy who is a player.

Right. But at the same time, you don’t have a monogamous girlfriend that you’re lying to. Right.

And telling her that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. And like also what is crazy is that the first half of your relationship, it was an open relationship. Right.

And you asked him. Are you talking to anybody? Are you seeing anybody? And you like taught him like when you have an open relationship, the only way it works is if you are open with each other. Like that is what ethical non-monogamy is.

Yeah. That is how it works. And you have to talk about it to make sure that you’re on the same page.

Yeah. And that’s the ethical part. Yes.

Yeah. And also transparency, right? So even if I ask a question, sometimes I’m not just looking for a yes or no. I’m looking for you to fill in context, you know? So if I ask a question that’s a direct question and you just answer that question directly and you’re not giving me anything more, that’s not cool.

But also sometimes I shouldn’t have to ask. If you know something because you’re hiding it from me, you need to be forthcoming with that information, you know, and transparent. I shouldn’t always have to ask either.

And so, yeah, it was getting to that point where I’m just like constantly fucking asking him, saying no to everything, and then me finding out afterwards. The whole time. The whole time, yeah.

So what has healing been looking like? Well. Well, first, actually, before we jump into the healing, can we look back at the red flags and warning signs or like the ways that you were like primed? Yeah. So certain things might not be red flags or warning signs on their own.

Right. But when you put them all together or, you know, there’s something to like what I would call like a yellow flag. Yeah.

That, you know, in compilation with other yellow flags and a red flag here and there, those yellow flags, they’re actually red flags. Yeah. Start turning real orange real quick.

No, yeah. I would say definitely, you know, I wasn’t familiar with love bombing at the time. So now I’m very familiar to that.

You know, we shouldn’t be messaging all day long. Definitely within the first like three months of dating, like that’s not, you know, OK. I think that he was grooming me in that way and getting me used to just the notifications honestly going off on my phone all the time.

Like, you know, and so while we were in the relationship, that was a red flag. I do dating 101 episodes and I talk about those first few weeks, especially of that initial connection where people just are, people are so used to texting all the time. And when it’s an added little excitement of like texting a person all the time and there’s good morning and good night texts and all that, it starts to build this false intimacy.

Yeah. Because you can’t, what I say in some of my 101 episodes is, you know, in order to know what a person is really like, you need to see them in person, spend time with them in person, but you need to see that the words and the actions align. And when you are texting all day, you have an imbalance of words and actions.

And so when you’re getting mostly words or all words, you are missing part of the equation. And texting messes with our brains because it gives us attention and it gives us a dopamine hit. And those notifications, like there, it’s just like social media where, you know, the notifications, they create that, yeah, that reward.

Pavlov. Yeah. A Pavlov’s response, Pavlovian response.

Yeah. You just like, you want to hear from them. And every time you do, it’s, it creates an addiction.

Yeah. It was every five minutes and I, and not to cut you off either, but like I didn’t have to text him ever because he was always texting me. So then when it got to a point too, where I wouldn’t hear from him for hours and I’d be like, hmm.

Okay. So then that makes it, yeah. What’s going on here? Because normally it’s all day long.

And then I brought it up and he was like, well, why don’t you text me? Like you can text me too. And then I would start feeling like, oh, you’re right. I could, you know, this is my fault.

I’m turning this into a big fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

The false sense of intimacy through constant texting is a big problem in dating in today’s age. And people, people will say like I’ve been talking to this man for four months and we only went on two dates. Like that’s not healthy.

Like that’s not a relationship. If you are chatting every day and you for four, for weeks and you’ve only been on one date, like that’s not happening. Just get out of it.

But in this case you were seeing each other. Yes. Regularly.

Yes. Yeah. And you know, and it again was all him initiating, you know, when can I see you again? And we were, you know, probably going out like at least once a week on, on dates.

And then, um, you know, like past the three month mark, then we started hanging out like two or three times a week, you know? So hanging out a lot. Cause he, he just was in the area too. And I would say, you know, like once a week for the first few months and then three times a week after that seems pretty, pretty healthy.

Yeah. Standard. Yeah.

But then when you add in constant all day texting and then you were saying something about songs. Yeah. So he would send me songs, which, um, you know, I had a boyfriend do this in the past.

And so it, it didn’t initially come off as a red flag because I actually really, I like it, I guess. I prefer to kind of communicate in this, like in this way. You like to share music and art, right? That’s beautiful.

I like that too. Me or, or if, um, this is what I want to say, you know, I just don’t know how to say it type of thing. Um, and so when he had sent me a song, he was the first one to send me a song.

I was like, Oh, and it did kind of give me those butterflies again. Like, Oh, you know, this is kind of like what that boyfriend used to do, which I really liked to that part of our relationship, you know? It’s like a love songs. Yes.

Right. Yeah. So it was, it was, they were all like, and not like songs that said I love you at first.

Cause we hadn’t, we hadn’t said I love you yet. Um, but they were like, I think, you know, I have a crush on you type songs. And like, you know, um, also like, you know, I can’t wait to get you in bed, you know, Um, but then, yeah, but then it started to, um, transition to more of those like love type songs.

And like, honestly, one of the first songs that he sent me that had like in the lyrics, you know, I love you or want to love you or something like that. Um, I actually like listen to, and I was like, Oh my gosh, is this what he’s trying to say to me, you know, without saying it. Right.

And so I think our experiences were different. He was sending the songs and maybe they were like, Oh, this song reminds me of you or of us. And you know, our little, um, you know, budding relationship right now.

But I was taking it as, Oh my God, he means every single word in the lyrics, you know, because that’s, yeah. And honestly, that’s how I felt when I was sending them was like, I literally mean every single word that this person is saying, you know, in the lyrics. And, but I had never asked him that, you know, until he started sending me songs that weren’t, had nothing to do with like love or, you know, couples or like, you know, nothing like that.

And then, then I would ask him like, Hey, are you just sharing this because you think it’s a banger? Or like, do you think that I need to like, you know, I don’t know. Whatever the weird message was. Yeah.

And so he was like, Oh no. Yeah. I just thought, I just really liked that song and the beat.

I thought it was a banger. I thought you would like it too. And so then I was like, okay.

So then I was just like, maybe this has all been in my head. Right. I’m like building this up in my freaking head.

Anyway. So now as a red flag, I don’t necessarily, I think it’s a yellow flag. Right.

So it’s not necessarily that if he’s sending me a song, that that’s a red flag. But if he sends me a song, I’m going to ask now and ask for like clarification specifically. Why did you send me this song? What do you like about it? Yeah, exactly.

And then that way you’ll be like, instead of, you know, maybe he’ll say it made me think of you. Right. But then maybe he’s like, I think I’m actually choreographing a dance to this song right now in my living room.

And I just wanted you to know that. Yeah. I had a guy send me a bunch of songs after a first date.

And he was a drummer. And it felt like he was, he was trying, he kept sending us to be like, what do you think of this song? Do you like this song? Do you like this song? And it was, he wanted to know what kind of music I like. And I already told him what kind of music I liked.

And it felt like he was testing me like, or just trying to get me trying to see if I like what he likes. And it was all the kind of music where I’m like, I would happily walk around an outdoor festival with this music in the background and bop along to it and feel great. Yeah.

But I’m not going to like put it on when I want to listen to music. Right. Like I don’t hate it or anything.

And that was the answer to basically everything. I’m like, this is good music. I can tell.

Like I don’t have anything against it, but it’s not what I’m going to pick. We never went on a second date. I don’t, I don’t really know what his goal was, but I didn’t like it.

I didn’t really like that. He was sending me songs like over and over again. And it’s funny because he sent them to me on Spotify.

So he’s still like, like, you know, when you on Spotify, you, you kind of connect to people. No. So it would.

So sometimes when I want to like send, like copy a song and send it to somebody, his name will pop up. Like I could send it to him. Yeah.

Even though like I went on one date with him. So I did. I used Apple music and he used Spotify.

So he would send me the Spotify like link and I would go search it in. Yeah. That’s so annoying.

And then the same, I would send him an Apple music link. And then he’d have to go search it in Spotify. Yeah.

That’s annoying. Yeah. You should really, um, when you date someone, You really should, uh, mirror your, what’s it called? Your, um, your, your operating system.

Yeah. Your operating system. You have to have standard ones.

Yeah. Um, so yeah, the song. So I don’t know, like, again, I think I consider that like a yellow flag, not necessarily a red flag, but I need more context and information about why you’re sending me the song.

Yeah. And I think that that’s, you know, Any kind of piece of art or expression that somebody sends you, something good to be mindful of is like, you know, we, we often want to fill in the blanks. Yes.

And, and we really get carried away. Yeah. We can really get, yeah.

Yeah. Our little hearts. I think, but at the same time, again, it’s like trying to help, you know, trying to hold some accountability for myself, you know, but also the putting the blame where it belongs, which is on this manipulative jackass.

But yeah. Okay. So red flag.

So the texting constantly and then the song sending the songs. Um, so the other one I would say is just like the constant need to have the discord up and his and talking to his friends on discord. Like I think that’s another red flag and maybe just for me personally, but I don’t need, you know, like I need to have time with my partner where it’s just us and we’re committing the time to just us and not having other people interrupt our time or, you know, encroach on our time.

So, and I didn’t like that. He was always, I mean, his phone was always blowing up and it was always discord. Or if we were sitting at his computer, you know, playing a game ourselves or watching a movie or whatever the hell we were doing, he’s had his, you know, he had three screens.

So then one screen always had his discord up and he was talking to his friends, you know? And so, I don’t know. I’m glad that he had friends, but it was just too much. It was too much.

That would drive me nuts. I would not be able to, like I said, my previous like gaming gamers are not a red flag are just a deal breaker for me, but the gaming lifestyle is, it’s not something I want my partner to be a part of. Yeah.

Especially if they make it their entire identity, personality, like their whole lives. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. If you’re invested in all the equipment, the chair, the freaking, you know, rainbow lights. Yeah.

It’s too much. Yeah. You know, it’s good for you.

That’s fine for him. There’s people who, there are people of all genders who love gaming and are gamers and may they find each other. You know what I mean? Like, it’s okay.

It’s like, I think that sometimes people think that I’m like being rude or snobby or, you know, about it. And it’s not, it’s about compatibility and not about like bashing that because there are plenty of people who love it. Like it’s a huge, there’s a huge population of people who love it.

And they, like I said, may they find each other. Yeah. I do think though that there were underlying things like he, you know, was using it basically like he couldn’t ever be alone.

Like he needed the constant either distraction or the idea that somebody needed him for something, you know, I think that was more of it for him is that he felt like a sense of control and like power and then people needed him for something. And when you, how was he when you like expressed your, your feelings? I mean, I didn’t, I wasn’t very expressive of my like, like bad feelings, you know, I didn’t share with him a lot of my concerns. And, you know, for various reasons, but I really didn’t become very vocal about like my, like complaints until like within the last year.

That’s when I became more vocal about things. And so when I was though, I mean, he was dismissive, he gaslit me, you know, he was always trying to tell me some story about why he was acting the way he was and it wasn’t about me, you know, or us or whatever, blah, blah, So I, I wasn’t expressive in that way, but when I was, you know, when I was expressive about, you know, like him and our relationship, like how much I loved him, you know, like those sorts of things, like he was responsive and would say, you know, the same gooey gooey stuff back, you know? And I think that too is what really manipulated me. The most is just like how cute he was.

He had the perfect cute little thing to say about everything all the time, you know, everything. He was just cute. But I was like, this is very now I’m like, this is so scripted, you know, like you must have got this from a movie or like something.

Like, there’s no way that this is just coming from you because it’s very scripted and like calculated. That’s the word that you said. I like that word.

Very calculated. Like he knew what to say to sweep me off my feet. You know, he very much had like a charming script that he was running in the background.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

So what now let’s talk about healing. Yeah. And learning like reckoning, I guess.

I don’t know. Like, you’ve been really brave coming and telling this because you say that not a lot of people know about it in your life. No.

So it was. Yeah. Your first time on the show, you said you were on the dating apps.

Yeah. Yeah. So the first episode that we recorded, I was on the dating apps and I had dated a couple of other people within that year that I had broken up with him.

And I went on a few dates with this one guy and it was fine. It was fine. And we were having fun for a while, but he said something stupid and I was like, okay, I don’t want to deal with this.

And I don’t have to. So. Well, I think that’s, I mean, we told us, tell the story in episode 15.

Yeah. But he, he used language that you, you didn’t like. And that bothered you.

Yeah. And you expressed, you expressed something. I did.

That bothered you and he didn’t care. Yeah. And then you said, bye.

Gotta go. So that shows a lot like that you learned from, from there. So that’s, that’s awesome.

Yeah. Like snappy, snappy fingers for you on that. No, yes.

And a lot of learning, you know, and I think just also fear. I mean, I would say I’m still healing, you know, because like I had mentioned to you before, was that now he’s starting to, I don’t want to say harass because it’s not necessarily harassment, but he’s starting to engage with my organizational social media pages. And which he did again more recently, like within the last month.

And that was a pic, you were, it was a picture of you. Of me at work that I had posted out in an event that posted to our social media page. And yeah, he was like one of the first people who liked it.

Like the, I think he was like the second or third person who liked it. And, and yeah, so that was really recent and I’m just like, you know, what the fuck? Like anyway, just totally caught me off guard, but also I had like a very visceral reaction to it. You know, like I was at work, I had to like step away, go outside, kind of take a deep breath.

And I hate, I really hate, you know, that he kind of still has that effect on me, but I think it’s a testament to all the bullshit I had to fucking endure while I was with him and, and everything I had to put up with. So, but yeah, so I am still healing, I would say, and I’ve gotten off the dating apps again because I don’t think that I’m ready for that. I don’t, I just don’t have the capacity to be quite honest with you and I don’t want to bring anybody else into this.

Like I’m still figuring it out for myself. Um, but, um, but yeah, I, I have since, so I have since blocked him again. I know, sorry, I went back before my birthday and I saw that text that he sent me and everything.

I blocked him again on my phone, so he can’t contact me on my phone. He can’t contact me anywhere. I still, personally, yeah, personally, I can’t, I blocked him on social media to all of that stuff.

He can’t get to me. Um, but yeah, he found a way in through my organizational social media page and, and I do, I do have this feeling that he’s just trying to, you know, I don’t know, keep a finger on me, keep a thumb on me or something. Again, like for you, he knows that it’s either going to bother me or something, you know, I’m going to have some reaction to him engaging with me this way.

You don’t think he’s like, I want to support this amazing nonprofit organization. No, send us money. Give up some of that inheritance.

No, but it’s so funny because I’ve gone through like some stupid things, faces, I guess, right. That’s my girlfriend’s like, what can I do with his phone number? You know, like what can I do with this number? So I have actually used his number to like punch in gas rewards at Fred Meyer because he drives a Tesla. And so I know that he doesn’t use the gas points.

I used his gas points a few times because I have his phone number. I just want to say he drives a Tesla. I know.

Yes. Yes. Moment of silence.

Yes. And so I’ve used his gas points. Yeah, that’s some good.

Good. If anybody else out there has any great sign him up for stuff. I know.

I’m like, what can I assign his email up for? Like his, you know, yeah, just spam the shit out of him. No, like it’s funny to think about that, but I don’t actually, you don’t need to put your energy into it. Exactly.

Do not want to. And this too will be like the last time I fucking bring him up because I don’t want to talk about him anymore. That’s good.

That’s healthy. Except you can talk about him in therapy. Yes, that’s true.

And I’ve been doing that. Okay, good. Yeah.

I think that the, the fact that you have like a physical reaction, when you see him engaging with your organization, social media is, is like you said, a Testament to the pain and trauma that he caused you and the reflection and the healing and the, that’ll all, I’ll take time. But I do want to say in the, in the part one. Yeah.

You called yourself a dummy a lot. Yeah. And you’re not a dummy.

Thank you. You’re a bright, a bright young woman. Yeah.

No. And I, you know, we had kind of touched on that a little bit because this can happen to anybody. Right.

You know, and even the smartest, brightest woman or person in the world can get manipulated, can really get caught up in this stuff. And so for, for a good while after the breakup, I mean, I did, I really was hard on myself because I, I don’t, I don’t know. I just was really hard on myself.

Like, why didn’t I notice these things? Why didn’t I see them? Why didn’t I ask more questions? Why did I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt? Why, why, why, why, why, you know? And I, and I do like, I, I, I do take some responsibility for it because I think I did know better, you know, in some respect, like I did know better. Um, and I kind of allowed myself to like fall into the fantasy of it all, you know? Um, so yes. And no, I’m not stupid.

Um, you know, did I make bad decisions? Maybe sure. Some poor decisions. Sure.

But ultimately he is the one who was manipulative and abusive, you know, psychologically, mentally, emotionally. Um, and yeah, the, the onus lies with him and he is responsible, but I, I don’t know. I guess maybe just, I don’t know.

Maybe my trauma. I’m just like, I, I do hold some responsibility. And so now though, right.

So now learn from, yeah. And grow from now. Yeah.

That’s what I’m, I’m taking that, um, direction of learning, growing, really letting myself process and be at peace before moving forward, you know, before getting into any other sort of relationship with anybody else. yeah. Again.

And I want to say like the, the, the way that some of the things that you were, um, called yourself a dummy for were things that you were doing out of, you know, leading with your heart. And that’s not a bad thing. Yeah.

And I think that it’s hard to detach. It’s hard to untangle your life. And it’s hard when, when you’ve made, so like for you, for a lot of people, you know, maybe the, the public decision is like getting married.

Right. And so, and then they’re in a bad marriage, a toxic marriage. And like, so, so that pub, that public decision weighs and it weighs heavy.

And like for you, it was kind of like you left your marriage and became monogamous with this person. And that was like a public, that was a public decision. Yeah.

And so it was there that carried a lot of weight. Probably. I mean, I would imagine it did.

It really did. Um, and I would like to, I guess just stay state. And I, so I didn’t like leave my husband for him.

Right. I, and I never felt like I regretted that, you know, like, and when even I broke up with him, I wasn’t like, Oh, I should try to get back with my ex-husband. Like, you know, that was, that was clearly done.

And so at no point was I like, Oh my God, I, you know, made a mistake, like leaving him for my husband. Um, but I did feel like I made a mistake, you know, just in general. Yeah.

Like bringing him into my life. Um, you know, we didn’t talk about that, but I, I flew him, I didn’t fly him back home. We flew back home to LA to, to visit my family.

At one point he was there, you know, for Chrystmas. And then we went to Texas to, to see, to visit my best friend, um, for new years. And so, you know, I, you know, I was trying to like, bring us back together.

And so I was like, you know, decided to let’s do this. Like, we’re going to move forward with the relationship. And then, yeah.

And then to find out all of that, I, yeah. And so I was like, it was, it was embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing. And I, and I carry, I think still a lot of shame around that.

And, you know, again, just making that poor decision. I wish I didn’t do that, you know, and I was even contemplating at the time, like, should I do this? Is this a good idea to bring him around my family and to, you know, get, get him, um, or just to be around my best friend, you know, like to get their acceptance, you know, or whatever. Like, it probably was not the best idea.

And not only that, but like, you know, thinking about it even further, like what trauma was I doing to my family even, you know, like I had just broken up with my husband who they loved. And then here I am bringing this other guy, you know, back home to meet the family. And that, you know, and they, not that they weren’t warm because they are just incredibly warm people always, but.

Latinos. Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, they were definitely like, who’s this guy? Yeah. We love Derek. But yeah.

And now I’m just like, I shouldn’t have done that. I really shouldn’t have done that. And I think that I did know better at that time.

And so that, yeah, I shouldn’t have done that. It was a bad idea. They didn’t need to know him.

You know, he didn’t need that. Yeah. And at that point, it had been a few years and you, you felt like you wanted to salvage it and you wanted to make it work.

And you wanted, you wanted, you wanted it to be what you thought it was. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. When I’m describing this story, I am using the words deception and betrayal. Yeah.

Um, I, I think this is a, that, that’s like kind of the, the theme of the relationship and his actions. Yeah. And more than the like cheating aspect.

Yeah. Because it was more about the, the calculated steps that he took to hide things from you, especially when he didn’t have to hide those things from you. Right.

So. And to hook me in, you know, like he very much had a formula that he was following, you know, text her, give her lots of compliments, send her songs, but give her the idea that I’m forming an attachment to her. Say the cutesy things, say the cutesy things.

Yeah, absolutely. And of course, you know, um, these aren’t necessarily red flags, but the whole, like I’m a gentleman thing, right? So opening the doors and I couldn’t, I couldn’t open my door because he had to open it for me and, you know, paying for stuff every time we went out to eat or like went to do anything. And even when I would offer the pay, he’d be like, no, don’t do that.

You know, it was just so much like, I don’t, again, like very calculated, but he knew what he was doing. He did it purposely to get me attached so that he could start, you know, I think just like hiding stuff behind my back, but also I think he hated his mom. So I was thinking about this kind of idea of having, if for somebody like that, having your like public persona relationship and maintaining it while you have, while you’re able to do your, your own life, like whatever you want, if you can maintain that, that public profile, like he was setting up, he was like setting it up for him to have that life that he wants.

But yeah, very much leading a double life. So, you know, on the dark web or whatever, he was free to do whatever he wanted. And then, you know, on his, in his friend’s eyes and our family’s eyes, we were like this perfect couple and the fun, you know, loving relationship.

Yeah. Because it was very much depicted that way, you know, and even his friends too were just like, Oh my God, he’s never, he’s never talked about a woman this way. He’s never even talked about wanting to marry anybody.

He’s only ever said that with you. And even when I, I tried to tell one of the, his friend, the girl actually who approached me at the bar, and ask her too. I’m like, well, you know, do you know that he lies? Like that he’s a liar? Like he’s ever lied to you? And she was like, Oh no, he’s just the perfect gentleman.

Like such a great guy. He would never lie to me or to anybody or anything. I clearly don’t know him.

But yeah. Yeah. Wild ride.

Learned a lot of lessons. Definitely stuff to take with me on my journey as I grow older. And maybe get into dating again.

Maybe sometime down the line, but I’m definitely not interested in that now. And just wanting peace. I just really want peace in my life.

Chrys. Muchas gracias. Thank you so much for sharing your story, showing your vulnerability.

I, you know, that first part one really captures. I’m not getting choked up. I got a cat hair in my throat.

It was a doozy. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it really captured a lot of your emotion and the, the feelings that came with, you know, what you went through and a lot of, a lot of raw vulnerability.

And I think that that’s really brave of you to share. It hasn’t, hasn’t been that long. It has.

It’s been a year. Yeah. A little over a year.

So it takes a while to get over things. And sometimes there are things we never really fully get over. And I think that real betrayal hits, hits deep.

And it changes your brain chemistry. Thank you. Thank you, Chrys, from the bottom and the top and the middle of my heart.

And if I said that before, but that was cute, right? I just made that up right now. Thank you for listening to Ask Elisa. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman. This episode was produced and edited by me and music by Jacob Patterson.