Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Hi. Hi. Oh my gosh, I’ve been waiting for this.

It’s Ask Elisa and it’s a dating story time episode. These are very special episodes where I have a guest just come on and tell a story about their dating past. And oftentimes I also share a story.

And I have one ready, but I’m not sure if I’m going to share it. It depends on how long yours takes. Okay.

Cause I know this one’s a doozy. Yeah. It is a bit of a doozy.

Um, so I’m here with Chrys and if you would like to listen to Chrys’s interview episode story, it is episode 14. And Chrys tells the story of being in an open relationship and open marriage and ultimately becoming monogamous and going through divorce. And so this is a story of somebody that you decided to become, be in a monogamous relationship with.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So, um, we met at a bar, um, which, you know, at the time, um, I was in an open relationship with my husband. Um, we had kind of graduated from like dating together to great dating separately and being more open to like romantic connections as well. And so, um, you know, I had went on a few dates from the dating apps with like women and that was really great, you know, fun experiences.

Um, but like I had said initially in the other episode, I wasn’t really like on it, you know, it wasn’t like on the dating apps, you know, making connections, meeting people. Like I wasn’t, I didn’t have a drive for it. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.

Um, so this connection happened very organically, which I, I, I, I like, I guess I really liked that. We just kind of met organically. Um, but, and I was actually on a date with my husband and another couple at the bar.

And, um, so it was karaoke night. And so, which is fun cause I love karaoke. Um, but I had gone up and I had done a song and when I was done, I went to the bathroom.

And when I was in the bathroom, this woman came up to me and she asked if I was married and I thought she was super cute. And I thought she was interested in me personally. And so initially I had said yes, you know, I was like, yes, I married.

And they were like, Oh, okay. And there was two women. Anyway, they had left the bathroom, but I went back to my husband and I was like, Hey, you know, I know we’re kind of like on this date right now.

It’s like, but this, you know, woman is super cute. And she’s asking me if I’m connected. I think I’m interested.

Do you mind if I go get her number? And so he was like, Oh yeah, go do it. So I went back over to her and explained the situation. Right.

I was like, Hey, I’m, I’m married, but we’re in an open relationship. You know, if you’re okay with that, um, we could date, right? Like we could have some fun. And she was like, Oh no, not me, my, my friend, um, gamer.

And she pointed at this man and he was a tall man. Um, it was very dark. And so I didn’t get like a good read on him, but his, like the way he was dressed and kind of like his demeanor, um, was very attractive.

So then I was like, okay, you know, so I actually said the same thing to him. I was like, I am married, but I’m in an open relationship. If you’re okay with that, you know, we can exchange numbers, we can, um, go on dates and have some fun.

And so he was, um, he was open to it, you know, he was like, yeah. So we exchanged numbers. Um, he texted, text messaged me immediately leaving the bar.

Um, and just said, you know, it was nice to meet you. I think you’re gorgeous. I would love to, you know, go out, let me know when you’re free.

So he immediately texted you. Yeah. Like what, how quickly same night? Yeah.

Same night, like within five minutes of me leaving. Oh. And I did leave almost immediately after we had exchanged numbers.

Cause we were kind of wrapping up the day anyway. And I had already, you know, some, we all sang karaoke. Um, so yeah, I would say about like within 10 minutes of me leaving, um, he texted me.

Do you remember what song you sang? Yes. I sing believe by Cher. Which I love doing, um, because I’m very silly.

I kind of try to sound like Cher. Yeah. Okay.

Good. I just, yeah. It’s such a fun one, you know, just seeing what, uh, what the vibe was.

Yeah. Very silly. Very fun.

Very silly. Um, so, um, so then from there, you know, he had, we set up the date and so he had text me, um, cause I believe that was a Saturday and our date was for the following Friday. So he had texted me like one more time throughout the week.

I think it was like Wednesday or something just to, Hey, you know, hope you’re having a great week, excited about Friday type of thing. And so it felt really good pace, you know, at that time. Um, and then we did, we went out on our date and we had a lot of fun.

Um, we went and did karaoke cause he also likes karaoke. Um, you know, and he was funny and charming, right? All of the, all of the things. Um, but, and, and again, I, in that moment, I didn’t know this because I had never had this behavior on me or happened to me.

Um, but it was very, uh, love bombing. So after our date, the text messages were like every day, all day, like almost every five minutes he was texting me something. And, you know, again, it was very, uh, flattering and complimentary stuff.

So I don’t, you know, I didn’t put it off right away. I was like, Oh, this feels nice. Right.

He thinks I’m super cute. He thinks I’m super funny. Like this is really great.

Um, and then, so, you know, so then we dated for three years, for three years we were in a relationship. And so, um, I would say a year into our relationship, my husband had decided to take classes. We were in school.

We were still going and we were in college. He was taking classes from city university of New York. So he decided to take the last semester in New York.

He wanted to go to New York and be in New York for about a year, you know, six months to a year. And so, you know, we had talked about it and I was like, okay, that’s great. You know, I’m glad that you want to do this, go live your life, you know, have fun out there.

And so, um, but before he left, I wanted him to tell his family about, about who I was dating because we were in town and I didn’t want his mom or his aunt or somebody who would go like downtown and see us and think that I was doing something wrong behind Derek’s back. And so, um, we came to the conclusion to tell his mom at least because, um, his mom was closer to in town and, and his dad, I mean, not his dad, his aunt was also very much like in the downtown bar scene, you know? Anyway, so she got, she was really upset and she, my mother-in-law, so she had the immediate reaction that this was all my idea. Um, kind of like the same way that your family thought it was like Derek making you do it.

That’s interesting, which I think is maybe natural and natural for a parent to think, but his family was just very conservative, very religious. They wanted him ultimately to be a pastor. They had this like big idea for him.

And so his family was always like trying to get me to get back to church because they wanted him to get back to church. So when they realized, I think that our relationship was untraditional. Yeah.

It was very much all taken out on me. It’s like the person who was driving everything, even though I wasn’t, you know? Yeah. Anyway.

So, um, all that to say, uh, while he was in New York, you know, I think just naturally, um, gamer and I got really close, you know? So we did, we started hanging out more often and we were talking all the effing time, you know? And it was, it had changed from just like, you know, compliments and stuff like that to like, now we’re sharing songs. Now we’re sharing articles about things like he wasn’t, he, he would claim that he wasn’t like political, um, but he was very informed about things. And when we would talk about things, his opinion about things were still very informed by progressive politics, you know? Um, so he never gave me that like conservative vibe or like Trump supporter vibe.

It was more of like anarchy, you know? And I was, I’m not going to vote because it’s a sham and that sort of thing. Um, which also now I consider a red flag. Um, so two things I learned from that half of that part of the relationship, which was that he was basically grooming me, um, to condition me to not question what he was doing behind my back and giving me, um, the idea that he was not doing anything behind my back and very, um, uh, you know, wanting to be monogamous and, and also, um, based on some of the things that he told me.

So like, for example, he bought a motorcycle and my husband had a motorcycle too. And he had said that he had this concern, you know, or this, you know, stupid idea of like, what if both of them got into a motorcycle accident at the same time? And they were both in the hospital, like whose bedside would I be at? So he would start saying things like that, like testing me the idea like, Oh, I think he doesn’t, you know, he, maybe he just wants it to be us too. But you know, again, in the conversations that we had, because we were so open, I would constantly check in.

How are you feeling about things? You know, do you want to stop doing this? Do you want to, you know, change how we’re interacting? Like I was checking in because it was part of what I did with my husband. We checked in with each other all the time. Are you okay with this? You know, is, how do you feel about this? Do you need anything to be different for you to feel better about this? You know, we were very in tuned with each other.

And so I was trying to bring that into our relationship. And he was so brand new to the whole open and polyamory thing. I felt like there was a lot of education that I had to do.

Right. And I didn’t realize that it was just, he was being manipulative. You know, he was using that as an excuse.

Everything was like, Oh, well, I didn’t know. And I’m like, we talked about it. How did you not know? You know? And so, so year two, right? So this is year two.

Derek was, had come back from New York. I had, he had decided, Gamer had decided at an invitation to his cousin to go visit him in Mexico for a couple of months. And at the time he wasn’t working, he was like between jobs.

So he decided to do that. And the same, I was like, go have fun, right? Live your best life and have fun. So he was in Mexico with his cousin for like about a month.

And then he sent me a message and was like, Hey, I would really love for you to come out here and see this. So I’m going to fly you out here. He paid for it.

Yeah. He was like, you know, he gave me his card. He was like, book the ticket, you know, book the flight that’s best for you or whatever.

He’s like, just get down here. Like I want to have, I want to show you around. It’s really fun.

And I was like, okay. And I had I was in school, but I had some time to take off between like my final exams or whatever. And so I went and that’s when I noticed that things were different.

So, you know, again, everything had been like through texts and like we were in person, like hanging out here, down, down here. But when I had showed up in Mexico, it just seemed very different. He wasn’t like, it wasn’t like a warm welcome.

Um, he was waiting for me at the airport, but he was outside the airport at a bar. And I had come up to him like behind him and like tried to surprise him basically. Right.

But he was on his phone. And so I was like, ah, you know, I kind of like screamed or whatever, like, ah, I’m here, you know? And he like jumped, like put his phone away and he was like, Oh great. And like gave me a hug real quick, a kiss real quick.

And then was like, let’s get a cab and like grabbed my bags and just started walking off. You know, like it wasn’t like, Oh my God, I’m so excited that you’re here. And like long embrace and like kisses and like, how was your flight? And like, let me help you with your bag.

You know, it wasn’t that it was very like, like I caught him in the middle of doing something. That’s how it felt. So then the whole trip, it was, he seemed to be upset that I didn’t know what I wanted to do or what I wanted to eat every day.

He was getting irritated with me and I was just like, what is going on? You know, like what is happening? So then towards the end of the trip, I did, I kind of like brought it to his attention. I was like, Hey, you know, like if things have changed for you, if you’re not feeling the same way about me, like that’s totally okay. Let’s, let’s just talk about it.

Right. So we can figure this out, what the next steps look like for us. And, and again, he just gaslit me.

He was like, no, I just, my, I’m so sorry. You know, I’m thinking about this. I’m thinking about that.

And he had a dead dad. And so he would a lot of times blame it on his dead dad that he was just, you know, I’m, I’m in my head and I’m so sorry. I’m stuck in my head.

I’m thinking about things and blah, blah, blah. But he would never be very forthcoming about it all. You know? Cause I would ask him sometimes he would very, be very quiet, which isn’t his normal.

Um, and I’d be like, Hey, what are you thinking about? You know, just something simple like that. And he’d be like, Oh, nothing. And I’m like, well, you know, you’re not thinking about nothing, right? Like you’re thinking about something, you know, what is it? Like you can share with me if you’re, if you want to, you know, if you’re open to it.

And so, but he would always default to that. Oh, I’m just, you know, thinking about my dad or I’m just thinking about, you know, the pastor, you know, something having to do with his dad. So then I didn’t push.

When did his dad die? His dad died, um, the year before we met. Okay. And pretty suddenly he had been diagnosed with cancer.

Um, I forget the type, but, um, cancer. And then it got him pretty quickly, like within a year he was dead. So it was a pretty recent death.

It was. Okay. And so some, you know, not that, not that, you know, losing a parent should like, you know, you shouldn’t stop thinking about your dead parents.

And I gave him a lot of the benefit of the doubt because of that. And then of course, then there’s the stories about, um, you know, his exes, right. I would ask about his exes and all his exes.

Oh, can I ask how old he was? Yes. So he was five years younger than me. So he was like 35.

Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Um, I think 34 when we met or anyway, but yes. Mid thirties.

Yes. This is a man in his mid thirties. Yes.

Man in his mid thirties. So, um, you know, asking questions about exes, right. And stuff like that.

And he would, he would tell me these stories about how his ex, um, broke up with him basically right after his dad died. And you know, that he hated her, you know, whatever, because she was so incompassionate about his situation or whatever. But then I started noticing some of the things that she was, you know, he would tell me she would complaining about was the gaming, you know? And so, sorry.

And let me know if you want me to be more like, um, keep it on a straight line. I mean, that’s okay. A tag, a little tack in that in gaming, in gaming.

So my husband is also a gamer. Um, he was, I don’t know. They, they gamed very differently.

The games that my husband was into were strategy games where he played alone essentially, um, where the games that the other guy played was with people, you know, he had a group of friends, they were all on games. They all waited for each other to get off work and hop on the games, right. This is what they did.

And so, um, uh, my husband tried to get me into some of his games or even like watching him play games. And I, and I could never get into it. It was just boring.

Um, I didn’t understand, you know? Um, and so with this other guy, when I started dating him and he was a gamer, it was just different games. And so it was a little bit more entertaining, I guess, to watch him play. And then too, like his buddies were on the discord cracking jokes and they’re all roasting each other and stuff.

So it was kind of, it was kind of fun. It was just a different experience for me. But again, post post-processing, right? So afterwards I started to question a lot, like, wow, like he’s always got to be on discord with his friends.

It’s never just us. Even if it’s us, you know, watching a movie, hanging out in his room, his discord is still blowing up and he’s talking to his buddies. So it was, you know, like his buddies were always there encroaching on our time.

And so when I started to voice these things and some of these concerns, you know, it was just constant gaslighting. And so of course it was like nothing. I had, um, actual proof about that he was hiding things behind my back or potentially seeing people behind my back or, you know, uh, flirting with women online, you know, right within like a safe kind of way.

But I started asking questions like the Mexico trip after we came back from Mexico and he was like, you know, no, no, no, it’s not you. It’s me, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I love you so much.

You know, I, I want this relationship, you know, blah, blah, blah. Right. After Mexico, he didn’t post any picture.

I had posted pictures of us and tagged him in it and they weren’t showing up on his feed. So then I understand this also because I have this setting on my Facebook, which is people can’t just tag me and stuff. I have to review it and approve it.

Right. So I noticed that these pictures weren’t showing up on his Facebook page. And I was like, so I brought that up to him and I was like, Hey, you know, what’s going on? I noticed that you’re not posting me a lot.

And at one point we had went on a camping trip and he had specifically asked me if he could, if it was okay for him to tag me on social media and to post pictures of us on social media, he was trying to be respectful of my husband, right. And the family and people knowing or not knowing. So I said, yes, I was like, yeah, everybody knows the people who will see this stuff online knows already, you know, it won’t be a shocker to them.

And, but then he never did. He never posted pictures from that camping trip and he never posted anything of the pictures that we took when we were in Mexico. And then when he came back from Mexico, he took a couple of other trips.

He had come into money because his father passed. And so he had took the time to like go visit his discord buddies were in different parts of the country. Right.

So first he took a trip to Idaho to go visit his cousin. That was a motorcycle trip. Right.

He gave me his, um, he gave me his location so that I could see where he was and all of the stuff, right. Which was, you know, fine. And of course, I think again, these were little things where he was like, I’m going to give her a little bit to make her feel like she’s got a tab on me or knows what I’m doing.

And I’m being honest and transparent about what I’m doing. But then there were these, all these other ways and skills and tools that he had to hide things from me. So he went to Idaho to see his cousin.

He came back. He went to Wisconsin to go visit some buddies. This is when I graduated from college.

Okay. What in this time period was going on with your, your divorce, right? Cause your divorce happened while you were still with him sort of. Yeah.

Right. Yes. So when, when we got, when I got back from Mexico and Derek was back for, I’m sorry, my husband was back from.

Okay. We’ve established his name as Derek and you have your podcast together and stuff. So I think we can call him by his name.

Okay. And we love Derek. Derek’s a good one.

Derek’s great. Yeah. So he got back from New York, right.

I came back from Mexico and we kind of had the conversation because in New York too, him and I had gone into a couple of things. My husband and I, because I felt again too, he was just not treating me as a priority and he wanted to have more of a anti-hierarchical kind of polyamorous setup, more kitchen table. And I didn’t want that.

I was like, we’re married. We’ve been together the longest. Like we know each other the most.

I think it’s just natural for me to also feel like I should be the priority, especially when I’m in, in your presence. Yeah. And you’re married and like your partners and you are official partners in this, like, yeah, it should, I, I totally understand that.

Yeah. Like I got it when he was out on dates with other women. I typically try not to bug him if I didn’t need him, but if I had an emergency, yeah, I’m going to call you and you better pick up your phone.

Right. I’m still the priority. Sorry.

Like, you know, and, um, I think in the situation too, his other partners that he was seeing at the time also felt that way about me, you know, like they understood, they understood that. Yeah. Very much so.

And not only that, they weren’t trying to replace me. They didn’t want that position either. They very much wanted to be a secondary partner and not a primary partner in their open, you know, polyamory journey.

So anyway, we had a couple of hiccups in New York. So then when I went to Mexico and I came back and, you know, he came back from New York, I, we had a conversation about getting the divorce. And so, um, when I graduated, we, my family came up, my mom and my brother, we were going to take a trip to, um, Canada and Derek and I had already separated.

We had not told the family yet though. So he came with me on this trip to give the illusion still to my family that we were together. And, um, gamer also came to my graduation.

He was there, um, which was great, but he was also telling me the story, which that he had to jump on an airplane, right. To get to his Wisconsin flight. And he almost missed my graduation because he was like, I don’t know if I’m going to make it.

And I was like, it’s okay. You know, it’s totally okay. Like, don’t worry about it.

I, you know, of course it was breaking, it was breaking my heart on the inside, but it was fine. And anyway, he showed up and he went and then immediately went to the airport and flew. Right.

So I was in Canada with my mom and my brother and my ex-husband, not at the time, but he, you know, um, and we were fine. You know, we had fun, right. Like we normally do, but towards the end of the trip, my mom was like, Hey, she was like, I’m kind of noticing some stuff.

Like what’s going on with you guys aren’t holding hands. You guys aren’t normally all kissy and cuddly like you usually are. She’s like, what’s going on? So then I kind of had to tell her that, um, sorry, back to the trip in Canada.

So while I was in Canada, though, he’s sending me pictures of him having fun with his friends. Gamers showing, sending you pictures with his friends in Wisconsin. Um, but none of the pictures had people in them.

They were a picture of a beer sitting on a table. You know, he’s out at a bar. It’s like a beer sitting on a table.

And then he had sent me a picture of like the corner of like the kitchen and his hotel room where he had like, went to a, I guess he went to like a, um, arcade sort of thing and won a bunch of little rubber duckies. So they were like sitting on the table. He like it.

And so it was this corner picture of the room. Right. And the picture that he sent me with a pint of beer, I noticed that there was a woman’s phone and a woman’s keys and a, and a fruity drink that was outside, like right outside the frame, but I could see it.

And you know, at this point, right. I had already had suspicions that that’s what he was doing, but I had no hard evidence. And so in this moment, I remember thinking he’s lying to me and should I address it now? Should I just say, Oh, wow.

You know, you’re lying to me. Like, do you think I’m this dumb, but I don’t see this woman’s phone and keys and her like fruity drink and you’re freaking, you know, and that you’re not sending me any pictures of you having fun with your friends where normally he would, he did right when he went to Idaho with his cousin, pictures of him with his cousins. Yeah.

When he was in Mexico before I got there, pictures of him with his cousin and you know what he was doing in Mexico. Right. So it was just very weird that they were these very framed set up kind of pictures that he was sending me when he got back.

And I didn’t, I don’t think I pushed it forward. And I don’t remember why in the, in the, in the moment, I think maybe just because Derek, I finally drawn out like our divorce and started talking about that. And so that kind of, I just kind of got wrapped up in that I think is what happened.

Okay. So I’m like, when is this? When was this? Cause this was in 2025 around like June-ish. So I’m trying to, sorry.

I’m trying to think of what’s next. Cause August was his birthday. Gamer’s birthday.

I had put something together for his friends to come around and threw him a little bit of a surprise type of thing at his favorite pizza place. And Oh, right. Okay.

So he, so he got a job at a new spot and then I got my new job with my spot. And sorry that this jumps a little, because this is going to bring us probably to like November, I think maybe October, actually. Sorry.

So August, right. Okay. And then October, I took him out to dinner for, to congratulate him for getting this new job.

And while we were talking, I had asked him if he would want to, like, if he would ever want to go on a trip for his birthday, like maybe me and him go to, you know, St. Barts or go to Cuba or like go somewhere, just him and I, and he like with a straight face was like, Oh no, I would never want to do that. He’s like, I’d either want my friends there, or I’d want to be like here with my friends. He was like, I don’t think going on a trip, just me and you, that doesn’t sound fun.

And I just kind of was like, okay. And again, because I tend to be a post-processor, like in the moment I was just like, Hmm, that’s an interesting thing to say. Where later I was like, what the fuck? We’re girlfriend, right? Like you are, you guys are how many years together at this point? Two and a half.

Two and a half years. Two and a half years together. And how many, how much of that were you monogamous? Like.

Just a couple of months at that point. Then I had said I was going to divorce my husband earlier that year. Okay.

So around the time that the divorcing is when you were like divorcing and you want to be, you want, you’re currently wanting monogamy. And so that’s, and he agreed. And he, yeah, we had talked about it.

Cause I told him I had decided to get divorced. And then, you know, he was like, well, what does that mean for us? And I was like, well, great. You know, great.

Let’s talk about it. Right. So, and yeah, and he had said, this is great.

This is what I want. And, um, God, sorry. I know I’m jumping around a lot.

So in July, right. So I got, I graduated in June. This is his birthday was in August in July.

I went to, um, Texas to go visit my friend out there. And while I was out there, you know, one of his, whatever, he was drunk in the middle of the night texting me and saying, I can’t wait till you’re divorced. I want, I can’t wait to marry you.

Send me your ring size. Right. So he’s like sending me these messages and signals that, that, that this is what he wants.

Um, saying things right. But the behavior wasn’t lining up with that. So, so right.

So, so sorry, July, August. So September, um, you know, he got a new job. I got a new job.

Um, he had said this to me, right. And so it was my sister’s birthday. So this was November, your sister who’d passed away, my sister who passed away on her birthday.

I had gotten a message from a woman on Instagram. I’m at work and I get this message from a woman on Instagram saying, you know, basically who are you and what do you want? Why do you keep trying to find me? Um, you know, she says, I, uh, this always happens with gamers, ex-girlfriends. They always try to find me.

And so she’s like, so I get this message, right. Very hostile. And this, so this woman, um, I did, I noticed earlier in the year when he was in Mexico that, um, he was liking her photos and that she had commented on one of his posts on, uh, you know, he had posted a meme or whatever, and she like laughed, reacted to it and like left a laughing emoji.

So I, and I did kind of have the premonition already that maybe he was doing stuff behind my back and hiding it from me. Um, I thought, well, I’m going to friend request her, right. Because if this is innocent, she knows who I am, right.

She should know who I am. She should be happy for him that we’re in this relationship and she should, it’s either going to be who the hell are you or, you know, Hey, let’s be friends, right. Or cause he had other female or other friends who were women’s, he had other women friends who do were, who were very like excited to meet me and like, you know, happy about hanging out with me.

Like, you know, so it was just a very different vibe. Right. So, sorry.

That was earlier in the year. So end of the year, right. November on my sister’s birthday, I get this message from this woman telling me this.

So then I messaged her and I’m like, um, yeah, I, I did, you know, face, cause she had mentioned the Facebook ad request as well. I said, yeah, I did Facebook ad. You always hoping that you would add me, you know, like you seem like you’re a friend of him, of his, you know, and I, I just wanted to get to know you.

And so this woman is amazing. Okay. Because yeah, she started off really hostile, but once I told her, I asked her about him and, and, um, asking, you know, when’s the last time that she talked to him? She told me everything.

She opened the flood gates for, you know, she, he, he was out there visiting her in Wisconsin. It wasn’t buddies. So those pictures were right on point, which I thought, you know, he was out there for a week.

So she was working. So he was just like hanging out by himself until she got off of work, you know, paying for a week worth of a fucking hotel, like spending a lot of money. Sure.

His own money, but spending a lot of money that he’s not spent on me. You know, he’s never take me on a effing trip and didn’t want to be just us too. Yeah.

Didn’t want to go on a trip with you. You don’t want to go on a trip with your girlfriend. That is so, that’s so weird.

It is very weird. It gets worse. It gets worse.

If you can imagine. So, and I know I’m going to try to wrap it up cause I’m talking a lot. Um, okay.

So she sends me this message. I’m very stupid. I go to his house after work and confront him instead of just like toddling it off right then and there blocking him.

Right. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he would confess to these things. Yeah.

But I think, you know, when you find out somebody is being shady, if you’ve been together for a long time, like it’s been years, I don’t blame you for wanting to go confront him. Like some people might say like block and move on. Like that’s been your two and a half years, man.

It’s totally understandable. And I have, um, um, conflicted feelings about this too, because I think I still, I need, I did need to go back cause I found out more stuff after I went back that really like sealed the deal for me. So I’m glad that I did.

I wish I did it. There’s some part of me that wish I didn’t and just was strong enough to just call it off and be like, I don’t deserve this. You know, blah, blah, blah.

You’re a terrible person. But I did actually went back two times like a dummy. Okay.

So, so I go, I’m like bracing myself. So I go confront him. He admits to it, but he’s still trying to hide other things.

So then I’m like, is there anything else? Right. This is all out in the open now. So he admits to Wisconsin woman.

He admits to Wisconsin woman. He says that, you know, there’s this gray area, right? Because we’re in an open relationship and I was married and he keeps trying to throw that in my face. And I say, no, no, no.

You knew about him. That’s different. I don’t know about her.

And you were supposed to tell me, and I had asked you, are you talking to anybody? Are you seeing anybody? Are you planning on going on a date with anybody? Just checking in. Right. And he would always say no, no, no, no, no.

So anyway, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that it was a gray area because I was married and, you know, he, I guess thought he could do whatever the fuck he wanted whenever he wanted with whoever he wanted, even though that was not our agreement. So, so, and we had planned to go out to dinner for my sister’s birthday because she likes sushi. I, and I don’t eat seafood, but I do eat sushi every year on her birthday to celebrate.

Yeah. So then we’re, you know, driving to sushi. I think I’m in shock.

I really am because I’m not like a mad, but I’m not crying. And it’s not like, oh my God, this is the end of the world. I’m just like trying to wrap my brain around this, right? Like who’s lying to me.

Who’s telling me the truth. What’s going on. Anyway, we go to sushi and the whole time I am, I’m asking him about his past relationships.

Have you ever cheated on somebody in the past? You know, have they cheated on you? Do you know what that feels like? You know, like, oh, how are you going to make me feel confident that this isn’t going to happen again? So we’re trying to have this conversation. He seems to open to some of it, right? He’s like trying to explain himself. And then at some point he just shuts down and he’s like, um, you know, I don’t want to talk about this anymore basically.

And let’s go home. And so, so, so my sister’s birthday a week later is Thanksgiving him and his friends. Cause he lives in a house with his roommates, him and his friends do like a turkey fry every, um, year for Thanksgiving, right? It’s the day before Thanksgiving though.

And so I’m at this thing right with them and his friends are all there and his brother’s there, right? Every, the girlfriends are there too, which I’ve bonded with over the years. Right. And, um, yeah, they’re not talking about the trip in particular, but I keep hearing the word Wisconsin.

They’re talking about, um, like his roommate’s dad was talking about something he did in Wisconsin a while back. They’re talking about, um, the basketball game or whatever, something’s going on with Wisconsin. So I just, it’s starting to make me feel like there’s more to this.

And so everybody goes to sleep and I don’t, he passes out cause we’ve been drinking. And so he passes out, I get into his phone and Ooh, girl. Ooh, girl.

So I find a trove of messages in, in signal and, and, um, there’s messages that you can hide in Instagram. Um, he had like a private locked folder that had messages in it. I went through his camera roll.

There was pictures of women in it. Um, not clothed. There were messages from prostitutes asking him when he’s coming back from a local massage parlor, letting him know they have new women.

And when he’s going to come back messages from him and signal to prostitutes while he was in Mexico asking how much without a condom. Oh my gosh. I was shaking.

And at the same point in shock, I had to keep going through everything and finding more and more and more, which I, I did this. There was our, so there was a woman who was in his discord. It was the only woman who was in his discord who, you know, again, they were friends.

And at first she seemed okay. And she, she seemed really, you know, excited to get to know me and like happy for him that he had found me. Right.

And so happy for him. Then she started to give me the vibes, like she’s in love with him, but she lives in another state, right? All of the people in the discord live in another state. So she gave me vibes now, like, Oh, she’s in love with him.

And she’s had a crush on him forever, you know? So then I found messages between them from when we started talking way back before then, like maybe two or three months, it seems like he had met her like two or three months before we had met in person, but they were, you know, sending pictures back and forth to each other, like nudes, nudes. Yeah. So, so, so Thanksgiving morning, he wakes up, he, you know, leaves the room or whatever.

He goes into his gaming room and I wake up eventually. Um, and I’m just sitting there like, how do I get out? I’m like, I need to get out of here. Right.

And that’s all I can think about is I need to get out. This person is dangerous. This person is not the person I thought they were at all.

And how do I get out of here without harming myself, without making him upset, without having to explain myself even because I didn’t want to. So I don’t know how I did it, but I quietly and slowly started like going through the drawers where I knew my stuff was packing my stuff. I went into the bathroom, I took a shower.

And then while the shower was running, I was like going through the drawers and grabbing all of my stuff. I packed up all of my bags before he had even come out of his gaming room. And I walked out into the hallway, which, you know, he could see.

So then he turned around and he was like, Hey, what’s up? He was like, are you hungry? He’s like, you’ve been sleeping all day. I was about to cook breakfast. Like, are you hungry? And I didn’t talk.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even look at him. I just opened the door.

I grabbed my bags and he was like, Oh, let me help you. So then he grabbed my bag and walked into my car. I haven’t said anything.

He puts the stuff in my car and then he, cause he’s putting the stuff in like the passenger seat. So he comes back around to the driver’s seat and he’s like, like, I think the realization comes over him. He was like, are you breaking up with me? And I literally just shook my head.

Like, I don’t know, kind of. And I got in my car and drove away. And then I was like, Oh my God, I’m out.

Right. And I had intended on staying gone. I, I had blocked him.

I had deleted him on social media, all anything, any way that he could contact me, um, email. And then on my birthday, which was a week later, um, he texted me and I, I did unblock him on that day, I guess, just to see if he would reach out again, like a dummy, but he, he messaged me on my birthday. He said, he, you know, I’m sorry.

I miss you. I love you so much. I know what I did was wrong.

Um, if you know, whatever I’m willing to do, whatever it takes, you know, I, I, you’re my future. You’re my everything. Just, you know, gaslighting me, of course, love bombing me.

So, so I had said, let me think about it. I didn’t say no, even though I should’ve said no right away. Um, I said, let me think about it.

And then like, I think a week later I reached out to him because I had some stuff at my house, his stuff at my house. And I reached out to him to say, I have this stuff, you know, let me know when, when I can drop it off or if you want to come pick it up or if I can give it to a mutual friend. And his response to that was, so you thought about it and you don’t want to be together anymore.

Is that what I’m hearing? And then I said something like, you know, what, what is like, what’s left kind of, you know? So then he said, he didn’t know that you knew everything. He didn’t. I mean, I assumed he had to have known, right.

He had to have known that I went through his phone. I’m pretty sure I left everything even open. So when he got into his phone, he probably saw that, you know, his signal was open and his other things that he was trying to hide from me were like up and open.

So I assumed he knew, but no, I didn’t say it. And he didn’t ask me like specifically, but he had said, you know, I would love to take you out to dinner and just talk about this. You know, can we please talk? And so then I said, okay to that.

Okay. So then we meet. And what kind of place was it? You went out to dinner somewhere? We went to a pizza place, his favorite pizza place.

Okay. And then, and even that, like he was running late, which is normally not his thing. He’s usually 30 minutes early because that’s the type of ADHD he has.

So the fact that he was late, I already kind of got pissed off. And even in that moment, I was thinking you should just leave. And I didn’t, of course, stay and we ate and then we went to a bar, grabbed a beer.

And this is where I told him everything. Basically, I had went through his phone. I had realized that, you know, he was doing all of this stuff.

None of it was okay. You know, basically like what, explain yourself, you know? And so he, I mean, so this is where it was like, he just kind of was like, yeah, I fucked up. I did wrong.

I’m sorry. Um, I, you know, I, he didn’t really have like a substantial, you know, excuse or reason, but I think that I felt kind of validated, I guess, just because he was willing to admit it and acknowledge it, which I still think like a lot of men just won’t do, you know? Um, so, okay. So this was like a week after my birthday.

It still seems like minimizing to be like, yeah, I, I fucked up and I did wrong, but like the entirety of your relationship, like that is years of deceit. There’s years of him lying to you. That’s not just like, oh, I fucked up.

That’s just like, oh, I have been like literally living a double life. Yes. Literally.

Yeah. So the audacity, but like a dummy. Yeah.

I went back and I said, okay, I think we could, I could forgive you and we can make this work now knowing that, you know, we have very established guidelines, right? The rule, what the rules are. We’re in a monogamous relationship. There’s none of this.

I thought gray area, you know, none of this. Right. So, and I think too, I, you know, I think too, for me personally, I was thinking, you know, I divorced my husband, you know, and I had made people believe, I guess, that he was such a standup guy.

And now I felt like if I didn’t try to give it another shot that I would be like, you know, like it’s interesting. It is very interesting. Yeah.

It’s like you guilt tripped yourself. Yeah. And I think a lot of women do that.

So there’s this sunk cost balance. Yes. Right.

Let’s talk about that. Yeah. So I felt like I had put so much into it.

I couldn’t let it fail. So at the end I was trying everything, mud sticks, leaves to try to fucking put it back together and make it work. Because ultimately, even though I didn’t know him, but I did like, he got to me, I very much was in love with him.

And a lot of what we shared, you know, and how we interacted and what we talked about and the fun that we had together, like that’s what I was holding on to, like we could get back there. And I feel like also when you are in a long-term relationship with somebody, you develop like this attachment that is kind of like an addiction. And when you break up with somebody, your nervous system still craves them.

Even if your mind knows like they’re not good, but you like, you crave their, their touch. You crave their smell. Like you, you’ve, you’ve built this, you’ve, you’ve built this attachment.

That’s like going, that’s like your body is attached to it, to them. And it’s not, no matter how bad, you know, they are, you still like, you still have this like. Desire.

Desire. Yeah. And so, and we did, and it was a lot of that, right? The constant messaging was a big part of it.

And then when you don’t have that constant messaging anymore, it’s like, you’re going through withdrawals. Oh my God. Yeah.

When I first got out of my long-term relationship, part of the reason why I was like using the dating app so much is because it felt so good to always have somebody to talk to, even if it wasn’t the same person, but always chatting with somebody was filling that void. Yeah. Because we were like best friends, everything that would happen throughout the day.

Oh my God, guess what just happened? And oh my God, this just happened. Oh my God. I thought about the funniest thing.

And we would just joke and banter all day long. And so it was very natural, but yes, I got addicted to that. I very much got addicted to that.

And I very much got addicted to him as just like a, in a per, like as a person in general. So yes, it was really hard for me to, to let go and detach. But I finally did.

So in March of last year, last year, now this year, 2026, right? Oh my God. No, it was a year. Yes.

It was a year in May. Okay. So I, I, sorry.

I might’ve been, I might’ve said that. You’ve been all, you’ve been all year off. Okay.

It was 20, 20, 24. Okay. It was 2024.

And then, okay. Got it. My brain has readjusted to it.

I might’ve said that. So I did graduate in 2024. Okay.

Last year is when I broke up with him in May. Okay. Um, so that was like five months.

Yeah. Five months, five months of like your new kind of reestablished relationship. Yeah.

What happened in those five months? I mean, it just wasn’t, it wasn’t the same. And I realized we were ever going to get back to what it was because it was fake. And the trust was completely gone.

Trust was gone. And, and we did, we got into a couple more fights because, you know, he’d be on his phone or, or, you know, we were out and, um, he’d go missing for a little while. And I’d be like, where were you? And he’d be like, don’t ask me where I’m at.

And I’m just like, you have a history, homie. Like, this isn’t just me being a crazy woman coming out of nowhere, asking you for tabs on you. You have a history of lying to me, you know, and being deceitful.

Like, yeah, I’m going to ask you questions. So then he just got more like resistant to my wanting to know, you know, and wanting an explanation and wanting him to be transparent. So I had talked to a friend, I had talked to a really good friend.

Um, and I had finally, I think I had finally said this. I had told nobody. I was so ashamed.

Oh, I was so ashamed of myself and, um, that had gotten myself into the situation again, you know? So I didn’t tell anybody and I finally told somebody. And she was like my light. She was like, what the hell? Get your phone out right now and message him and text him.

Break up with him right now. And I did. I did.

I got my phone out. I texted him. And what’s funny about that.

And just so I didn’t want anybody giving me shit about this. He actually told me when we first started dating that if I was going to break up with him, he would prefer me to text him that he didn’t want me to tell him in person or, you know, over a phone call that he would prefer me to just text him the way. And I mean, you’d given him so many benefits of the doubt and so much grace that he didn’t, he didn’t even deserve more than a text.

He did not deserve any of that. You could have ghosted him and it would have been fine. And so that’s essentially what I did, but it’s still probably way too nice.

I, um, the breakup text consisted of, um, I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. What did I say? I said, cause I had his watch. Um, he had a stupid, you know, smartwatch.

I said, I’ll mail you your watch. I said, please delete all of my nudes. And then I said that the ending line was, uh, take care of yourself, which even that I feel like, God, I shouldn’t have said that.

Like go fuck yourself. Um, and so her and I, so we were hanging out at her house at this time, right when I had sent the text. Um, but she was like, let’s go do something fun.

Right. So I love her so much. My, she’s one of my really great friends.

So we went thrifting. Um, we went to go get, you know, coffees and teas and, you know, treats and stuff like that. And while I was at Goodwill, um, I noticed when we left that he, I had like five missed calls from him.

And so I’m so glad actually, I’m so glad that he, I didn’t notice that he was calling me because I probably would have picked up again, like a fucking dumbass. I probably would have picked up, but I’m so, I’m so glad that I did it. And then I got one more last message, which was just, um, God, what did he fucking say? Oh, he said, what changed from this morning? And you didn’t respond? I did not respond.

So then I, so then after this, I, I really did, I blocked him. I blocked him on my phone. I even went to make sure that he couldn’t email me.

I blocked him through email. Um, all of his friends, anybody that was connected to on social media, I deleted them all, blocked them all so nobody could get to me. And that was that.

I mean, I, so it was funny because, you know, Trump too was president and I had changed my profile picture to, it’s a sticker. It’s like a woman’s nailed hand, um, like polished hand holding up a sticker that says, is he dead yet? And so for everybody else, it was like, it was about Trump, but it was about him. So this man tortured me for three years, making me believe that he was all I, I was all he wanted and that he wanted to be in this monogamous relationship with me, that he wanted to take care of me, that he would treat me better than my husband was treating me.

He wanted to offer me this amazing life and turns around. He was just a liar, leading a double life, lying about everything, fucking with all these women behind my back all online. Mind you, I didn’t, I mean, I never caught him in person.

I don’t know that he did this actually in person, but I think he just liked texting other women, but he also was seeing prostitutes. He was, and he did go see another woman in person. Yeah.

You’re right. He was, you’re just saying, oh, he was, you’re, you’re forgetting, you’re like editing part of the story. The trauma is terrible in me.

Yeah. So every time he left town, he was physically cheating on you. I think so.

I mean, there were the two other trips that he took. He took a trip to Boston with his discord buddies that he actually did send me pictures of him with his buddies, but yeah, he was probably seeing women while he was out there. Well, yeah.

Well, and you knew he was seeing prostitutes. Yeah. So absolutely.

Yeah. And so then I got tested and I, you know, everything came back clear, which I’m so fucking grateful for could have been really terrible. But, um, but yeah, just, yeah, it was a very traumatizing experience.

I have a question that I didn’t ask during your story. Did you have his phone password? Yeah. You knew his phone password.

Oh, you guessed it. Fucking dumb ass. Guess what it was.

One, two, three, four. His birthday. The whole time.

Oh my God. The whole time. Oh my God.

And honestly I kicked myself for not going through his phone earlier. Like there were so many instances where he like left his phone in the car with me while he like went to the gas station or like, you know, ran in the store to grab something real quick. And I could have grabbed it and I should have.

Yeah. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.

I can’t go back in. Yeah. But I’m just thinking like, that’s so funny.

Okay. If somebody were to say like it was wrong for you to go through his phone, like that was his private property. He didn’t say that.

No. But what, what, what, what, what would your response be if somebody were to say that? That’s, that’s interesting. Actually Elisa, that’s a very interesting and nuanced topic because I think in a situation like me where we had been together for so long and he was actively lying to me and I had enough, I think I had enough of him doing that, that behavior to validate me going through his phone to get actual evidence.

Um, I guess that woman, you know, that woman reaching out to me also made me want to go into the phone and find other things. Yes. So like what else, you know, again, like what else is he hiding? What else is he lying about? Um, and again, like, can I still give him the benefit of the doubt after lying about all these things, you know? So if it was a newer person, if I, if it was somebody I was just dating, I would never, never, never, never in a million years.

Um, but I, I don’t know. What do you think? Yeah. I mean, I’m glad you did it.

So I, I think, you know, I, I listened to so many podcasts of betrayal stories and, and a lot of them are when people go through their, um, their electronics, their phone and their laptop, and that’s how they find things out. And I, I don’t really, I don’t feel any kind of morality around, around it. I think that there would be people who do.

Without cause, right? Like if somebody’s doing it without cause, I think I had just cause. For sure. Something was leading that way anyway.

And I wanted, I wanted to know for sure, you know? Um, cause also, I don’t know. There was, of course, maybe a stupid hopeful thought that she was lying, right? Maybe she just wanted to piss me off and tell me these things about him. Yeah.

What if he, everything was hid so well and you didn’t find anything? That too. I mean, yeah, that would have went crazy. Yeah.

That would have been, but so, so, you know, talking about ethics and morality, I mean, he literally is deploying psychological warfare on me, right? Constantly gaslighting me, constantly lying to me, constantly keeping secrets from me, making me believe that he’s one person when he’s obviously not and hiding his true self. Like that is saying he wants to marry you. That’s abuse.

So no, he wasn’t ever physically aggressive with me. Um, you know, towards the end when he would get mad, he started yelling more, but he didn’t yell throughout our relationship. He was always very patient with me.

So yeah, I mean, this other person started to come out and I think that I had, yeah, just like just cause. I think so too. I agree.

Yeah. I was just, but if I started dating somebody and they just like picked up my phone and went through it, like, I’d be like, whoa, buddy, I’ve never given you, you know, like I haven’t even given you a reason to think that I’m cheating. Like, why are you going through my phone to check that I’m cheating? Like, that’s weird.

Yeah. I don’t know. There has to be a line, but I would say it’s gray and new.

Do you think because of this occurrence now, I guess you have, you’re going to understand, you’re going to trust your Spidey sense moving forward. So if you feel like, are you, do you think you’re going to be able to distinguish whether you are feeling anxious and want to look through someone’s phone or your gut is telling you something’s wrong? I feel like that is a battle that a lot of people deal with. No, I would say, you know, so like the times where he left me alone in his car and his phone, those times I was anxious.

I was like, I could go through his phone, but I didn’t have any reason at that time, you know, where afterwards, like I definitely had a reason. I was like, I’m going to go through his phone. I would hope, and maybe this is too wishful thinking.

I would hope that my next partner doesn’t give me a reason to feel like I need to go through his phone to find out whether he’s hiding things from me. Yeah. And like when Jake’s driving, he’ll hand me his phone and be like, can you do this? And I’ll like, be like, wait, what’s your password? And he’ll, he’s told me his password like a million times, but I could not tell you what it is.

I never remember it. But you don’t have to. Yeah.

And it’s like, because you guys share that. Yeah. Or, and also like our phone, whoever’s driving, are the phones attached to the car and the text messages just come through.

So yeah. And I’ll be like, here, do this on my phone. And yeah.

So I feel like that’s normal when you’ve been together a while. Yeah. Yeah.

So I think so too. And like, you know, the same with Derek and I, I mean, we had each other’s phones all the time. He was either on my phone or I was on his phone because of just my phones in the kitchen.

Right. And we already had it and he would grab it to look up a recipe or whatever. Like we did that a lot.

We didn’t text all day. Yeah. With my former partner, I just made my code match his code.

So I only had to remember one. Super smart. My code, my code is still the same as his.

Yeah. My ex’s because I’m like, I don’t want to change it. I can’t, I can’t remember that many codes.

Yeah. No. Yeah.

I think there’s a difference. I would say. Yeah.

Yeah. I’m going to end part one of Chrys’s story here in part two, Chrys will share what it’s been like trying to move on from her traumatic experience and she’ll reflect back on the red flags and warning signs she missed. I’m so grateful that Chrys is sharing her story on Ask Elisa.

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