Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday.

And now after two years of dating, lots and lots of dating, I’m sharing what I learned. If you like the podcast, please sign up for the Ask Elisa monthly newsletter at www.askelisapodcast.com. And follow me on social media @askelisapodcast. I’m on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, threads, and YouTube.

These are simple and free ways to show support for the show. And this is a new podcast and online engagement is incredibly helpful. I appreciate it so much.

This is my second dating one-on-one episode. If you’re new to using dating apps, or if it’s been a while, you may want to listen to my first dating one-on-one episode, episode 15 on how to start dating. For this episode, I’m diving into the biggest complaints people have about dating apps.

And that’s that they are exhausting and disappointing. Here’s what you told me. The dating apps feel like a full-time job.

Responding to the same questions over and over again is exhausting. First dates feel like a job interview. You’re tired of getting ghosted.

You’re tired of the lack of respect and the lack of accountability. You’re tired of hookup culture. It feels like everyone’s just swiping for a dopamine hit.

I’m tired of feeling constantly rejected or disappointed. These feelings and experiences are completely valid and felt by so many people. And the truth is we can’t just wave a magic wand and make all of the shitty aspects about modern dating disappear.

But we can shift our mindsets and our dating practices to improve our dating experience. And that’s what my goal is with this episode to help you identify ways to combat dating fatigue and anxiety. Now I know shifting your mindset is not just a flip you can switch in your brain.

So hopefully this episode gives you actual tools that you can put into practice that will help your mindset shift over time. And even as you shift your mindset it’s not going to make dating a perfectly beautiful experience. But it can make it so much easier to bounce back after the ups and downs disappointments and the inevitable ridiculousness.

Society and culture have led us to believe that we need to have a romantic partner to be whole, to be complete, to be happy, or to be successful. I want to be clear that this is a lie. Each person on their own is capable of living a happy and successful life whether they have a romantic relationship or not.

Why is somebody a success just because they found a girlfriend or boyfriend in college and then married them? That does not make them any better or more successful than you. It is totally okay to want a romantic relationship. But remember that you are responsible for your own happiness and well-being.

So invest in yourself and your life as it is now. And then treat dating like a side quest. If you’ve listened to my past episodes you’ve heard me say, if you choose to date make it part of your life and not your whole life.

We are so much more than our love lives. So how do you make dating a side quest? You got to take time to do the things that you enjoy. Spend time with your friends and family and nurture those beautiful non-romantic relationships that you have.

Do you have any nieces or nephews or your best friend’s kids that you could spend more time with? Is there some kind of hobby you’ve always wanted to try or get back into? You don’t have any hobbies? Well start some. What did you love doing when you were a kid? You can take adult classes, watch YouTube tutorials, join clubs or community groups. Actually live your life.

Don’t wait for a romantic partner to do stuff. When you do this you are actively de-centering dating from your life. You’re making dating less important, less urgent, and by doing so you’re making the ups and downs of dating not way as heavy.

So that’s one practice that can help make dating a better experience. De-center dating in your life. In using the dating apps, the first thing I want to say is that dating apps are a tool and not a solution.

They are a tool to find connections, not a commitment. Once a connection is made the rest is in the hands of two people and in most cases that’s two strangers. Many people say they want to meet someone organically in real life and not through the dating apps as if there’s something less valid about meeting somebody through a dating app.

There is nothing wrong with meeting through dating apps and just because you decide to use a dating app it doesn’t mean you can’t still be going out and doing things in person where you could potentially meet someone. There’s no morality tied to how you meet somebody. You can use a dating app with a mindset that there’s a chance that you’ll meet someone great but there’s also a chance that you might not and that’s okay.

It is a tool. It is not a solution. When you use the dating apps it’s okay to center yourself and by this I mean you can take control of your dating life.

Sometimes we get so hung up on wanting a romantic partner that we lose ourselves in wanting to be chosen and we forget that we are the choosers. So you are the chooser. Take control.

You get to make the decisions. As the chooser you get to set your own boundaries. Boundaries for what kind of behavior you will accept and when you’ll walk away or I guess unmatch someone or send that thank you but no thank you So here are some examples of boundaries that you can set for yourself to help keep you in control in the driver’s seat of your dating experience.

I only swipe right on profiles that show a person who I think I’d actually like to meet. I can continue to pass on profiles until I see one that actually interests me. I don’t have to give anyone a chance just because.

I can change my mind about a match or a date at any time. Matching and chatting is not a commitment. I don’t owe them an explanation when I’m no longer interested other than thank you for your time.

I don’t think we’re a good match. If we’re not scheduled to meet in person after a week of chatting I will unmatch them. This will help avoid matches who aren’t using the dating apps to actually meet and date someone.

Maybe they’re using it just for their own validation because they’re bored or they have no if they have no intention of actually meeting people. I will limit chatting to a few messages during the day and in the evenings because chatting all day long can build a false sense of intimacy and creates a dopamine reward loop in my brain. This sets a boundary on yourself so that you don’t get as attached to somebody through constant text messaging.

And now here’s one that I initiated for myself and it changed a lot. If I’m not looking forward to a date, I will cancel it. This gave me permission to listen to my gut.

If I had a feeling like something was off or I didn’t really think they were a good fit for me, I gave myself permission to listen to that feeling. If I’m not looking forward to a date, I will cancel it. And I did cancel dates.

For example, I actually had gone out on three dates with somebody and we had New Year’s plans to hang out on New Year’s. Like I had a date on New Year’s, but I wasn’t really looking forward to it. The third date, I kind of got this feeling like we’re not a good match.

And so I reached out to him and said, Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. I don’t really think we’re a good match, so I don’t think we should continue to see each other. And he was super nice about it.

And then guess what I did? I spent New Year’s alone, but I was super content and happy. It was fine. I listened to my gut instead of listening to this external kind of need to do something fun on New Year’s.

You can come up with boundaries that work best for you, but having firm boundaries like these and giving yourself permission to listen to your gut can really help weed out the matches who are using the dating apps for validation, for the high of connection or to scam people. And also it can weed out people who aren’t going to respect your boundaries, people who probably aren’t a good fit for you. When you listen to your gut, it’s important to remember that if something seems off or feels off, it probably is.

So listen to your intuition. Another one to practice is detached dating. Detached dating means dropping the attachment to the outcome and staying in the reality of the moment.

Always remembering that the people you meet on dating apps are strangers. No matter how great they may seem, you do not know them. And getting to know someone takes time.

Detached dating helps you stay in the moment of the connection and not get ahead of yourself. The early stages of dating are a time of information gathering. You’re learning about that person.

The act of dating is to spend time together, get to know each other and see if it’s a good fit. It’s important to spend time in person doing different things, seeing how people react in the real world, how they behave in the real world to know what they’re actually like. Texting someone all day might be fun and it might make you giddy, but you need to spend time in person to truly get to know them.

And texting all day can make you build up an idea about them in your mind and start dreaming of a future. But they’re a stranger. They’re a stranger until they’re an acquaintance and then slowly over time you get to know them.

It can help to say things out loud to yourself like, they are still a stranger and I don’t get attached to strangers. If you catch yourself getting super excited and dreaming of a future together, you can say, I’m excited about this person right now. Put yourself in that moment.

I’m having fun with them. I like them a lot for now. Right now, I’m excited.

Right now, I think they’re great. Time will tell if we’re a good match. I’m looking forward to getting to know them, but right now they’re still a stranger.

And it might seem silly to talk to yourself out loud, but it can really help with shifting your mindset. A good time to do it is maybe when you’re driving and you’re alone in the car to just repeat these things out loud. And it’s a way to kind of feel it in your full body instead of just thinking it.

When you say it out loud, it settles into your system a little bit more. Dating is trying to find compatibility between two complex human beings. And that’s not easy to find.

There may be a lot of people who come and go through this process and that’s okay. In early dating, when someone is not interested in you, it’s not rejection. Think of it as finding a shirt at the store that looks really great.

So you try it on and it just doesn’t quite fit you right. So you decide to put it back. There’s nothing wrong with the shirt.

You’re not rejecting the shirt, but you’re also not super attached to the shirt, right? I mean, you just looked at it, liked it, tried it on, and then realized it wasn’t a good fit. You didn’t get super attached to the shirt. And it’s okay because there are lots of other shirts out there you can go looking for.

And instead of people trying you on, that’s a weird, that is a weird way to put it now that I’m continuing with this metaphor, but just remember that you’re not just trying to find somebody to put you on. I’m just laughing at this metaphor. So if you’re, if you’re a shirt, if you’re a shirt and people keep putting you on and putting you back, maybe you should start thinking about trying on shirts yourself, right? Like you’re not just wanting to be chosen.

You are the chooser. So it’s okay. If for someone not to want to pursue a romantic relationship with you, a romantic relationship is very specific and special.

It doesn’t mean anything about your worth. It’s okay to be disappointed. Remember that the right fit for you is going to see you as the right fit for them too.

That’s what makes it so special. And that’s also what makes it hard to find. Some people say rejection is protection, meaning the rejection is protecting you from what wouldn’t be a right relationship.

What would, could potentially be a bad relationship for you. I’ve also heard rejection is a redirection, meaning the rejection is sending you off somewhere new for something better. Another part of practicing detached dating is recognizing that you are not responsible for other people’s behaviors.

If they behave poorly in any way that is on them and not on you. The way the other person behaves is a reflection on them. People are complicated and messy.

They have trauma, they have wounds, they have loads of issues, just like you and me, right? And their behavior has nothing to do with you. In dating, we’re likely to encounter some people who perhaps have a lot of work to do on themselves and that’s okay. When it’s not for you, you can be disappointed, you can be bummed out, but then accept it and move on.

And it’s all okay. It’s part of life to not connect with people. Not everyone’s going to be a hit.

There’s going to be a lot of misses and that’s just part of dating. A major source of anxiety for a lot of people is the not knowing. You don’t know what the other person is thinking, how they’re feeling, or what they’re up to, or why they’re behaving the way they are.

Like maybe they’re not texting you back. One of the tendencies can be to fill in the gaps with your own story, which can be thinking that they must not like you or they’re with another date. The truth is that you don’t know and filling in the blanks is hurting you.

I hate to break it to you, but in the early stages of dating, whatever they’re up to is none of your business. If you want to know if a person is interested in you, have they made time to see you? Is there a date scheduled? If yes, hey, that’s great. They want to see you again.

That’s all you need to know at this point. You do not need to be sharing a play by play of your life in the early stages of dating. Are they being wishy-washy about scheduling a date? No problem, because you’re in control and you have a voice.

All you have to do is send a text that says, I’d like to meet up soon. How about we get something scheduled? And if they don’t respond by working with you to set something up, you can say, I’m on the dating apps to date. And that doesn’t seem to align with what you want.

Thank you for your time. I wish you the best. You’ve met on a dating app.

So it’s not a secret that you’re wanting to date. So it’s okay to talk about it. I promise.

If you’re both continually making the effort to keep scheduling time together, all is well. And you can slowly and steadily get to know each other until one of you says, it’s been really nice getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a good match. And the other one says, okay, thanks.

Or until one of you says, I’m really enjoying getting to know you. And I think I I’d like to be exclusive and commit to getting to know each other. And the other one says me too, or they might say, they don’t feel ready for that.

And then you can have a grownup discussion like grownup adults. A connection that’s worth keeping will not crumble by you telling them how you feel. If you tell them how you feel and they respond by dismissing you, belittling you, negating you, throwing a fit, walk away.

They’re not the one for you. So I’m going to say that again, a connection worth keeping will not crumble by you telling them how you feel and by you telling them what you want and by telling them what your intentions are. If there’s don’t align, walk away.

That’s a boundary you can set for yourself that keeps you in the driver’s seat. You are in control because we can’t control other people’s behavior. We can’t control other people’s wants and needs.

And no matter how badly we want to be in a relationship, if the other person is not aligned with you and what you want and your intentions, it’s not going to be a good relationship. It’s just going to lead to disappointment. So stand strong and firm in your boundaries.

And when somebody is not aligned with you, tell them, thank you for your time, but we’re not a good match and move on. You are the chooser. And if you’re practicing detached dating, when someone tells you they’re not ready for a relationship or they’re not ready to go exclusive or for whatever reason they give to end things with you, or if they’re being distant or whatever, believe them and move on.

Again, filling in the blanks doesn’t do you any good. It doesn’t matter if they made up an excuse to end things or if they were telling the truth or what, except that they ended it and that they’re not a good fit for you. You are the chooser and the chooser does not chase.

You can set yourself a boundary for this. I don’t chase after anyone. When someone doesn’t demonstrate their interest in me, I move on.

I deserve somebody who’s interested in me or when someone ends things with me, I accept it and move on. Or here’s the one that I’ve personally used and said out loud to myself many times. If they don’t want me, I don’t want them.

So let’s get back to this list of grievances about the dating apps and apply these practices to each one. All right. The first one, the dating apps feel like a full-time job.

The dating apps will feel less like a full-time job if you make dating a side quest. De-center dating. Remember that you are in control and you can always take breaks.

The dating apps do not have to feel like a full-time job. You can have them on your phone and decide how often you look at them. You can have them on your phone and they could just be like something that you do when you’re bored.

You don’t have to make time for it if you don’t want to. Responding to the same questions over and over again is exhausting. This is a situation where boundaries can help you.

I only match with people I’m excited to chat with. I can unmatch at any time. If I’m not in the mood for getting to know your questions, I don’t have to engage in them.

I can take a break. I can also come up with other questions and shift the conversation. First dates feel like a job interview.

This is another one where boundaries can help you. If you’re not looking forward to a date, cancel it. If you’re looking forward to the date, come up with some different questions or talking points to shake things up a bit.

You are in control. You’re tired of getting ghosted. Detached dating.

This is a stranger. No need to care about them. Their behavior is on them.

It has nothing to do with me. Also, they showed you that they’re not a good match. So, bye-bye.

And decenter dating. Who cares if someone ghosts you? You’re living your best life. You’re tired of the lack of respect and the lack of accountability.

Hey, you’re in control. End it. Be done with them.

Detached dating. You are not attached to any outcome. So, bye-bye.

If anybody does not give you the respect you deserve, if somebody does not want to take accountability for their behavior, if somebody does not want to show up, they chose to be on the dating apps and they are actually not showing up to date, bye-bye. They’re not for you. You’re tired of hookup culture.

This is another one where boundaries can help you. As soon as any kind of sexual conversation or innuendo comes up, unmatch them. End things.

If they try to come over or have you come over too soon, bye-bye. End things. And they’re a stranger who you’re not attached to.

And then you can just tell your friends about this and laugh. Or you could be annoyed that people only want sex and move on. It feels like everyone is just swiping for a dopamine hit.

Again, this is where boundaries can help you. If they don’t schedule a date with you within a week of chatting, unmatch them. You can even make that within a few days of chatting.

It’s up to you. And you can use your voice and say, hey, I’m on the dating apps to date. I would like to schedule a date.

And if they do not reciprocate and start scheduling a date, then unmatch. I’m tired of feeling constantly rejected or disappointed. Remember, you are the chooser.

Take your power. And it’s not rejection. It’s just not a good fit.

And if it’s not a good fit for them, it’s not a good fit for you. And they’re a stranger. So let’s move on.

Plus, dating is just a side quest in your life. You’ve got plenty of other stuff going on. It’s okay to be disappointed.

It’s okay to be annoyed. It’s okay to feel those feelings. But you can bounce back and move on.

You’ll find that when you start to take more control of your dating experience, that a lot of people will just weed themselves out. When a person who’s not looking to be held accountable sees that you are firm in your boundaries, they will likely just unmatch you. When you combine these practices, it becomes easier not to chase after anyone or to fall into situationships because you’re in control.

You have standards, you have boundaries, you have other things going on in your life to keep you busy and fulfilled. So we’ve covered that you can decenter dating in your life. So the ups and downs of dating don’t feel so heavy.

You can take control of your dating life. You are the chooser. You choose by setting your boundaries and your standards for what behavior you’ll accept and end things when the person doesn’t align with them.

You can listen to your intuition and give yourself permission to listen to your intuition. When you set boundaries that say things like, if I am not excited about this person, I don’t need to talk to them. Or if I’m not looking forward to a date, I cancel it.

That’s one way that helped me listen to my intuition. You can practice detached dating. Stay in the moment of the connection and the reality of where things are at.

Be mindful of how long you’ve known them. They are strangers and it takes real time spent together in person to build a real connection. And remember, a worthy connection will not crumble if you tell them how you feel, what you want, and what your intentions are.

You can avoid filling in the blanks. You can use your voice, communicate your intentions, ask them theirs, and believe and accept what they tell you. Another tip for using the dating apps more effectively is instead of swiping left or X-ing out a dating profile that you’re not interested in, take the extra step to block or remove the profile.

Depending on the dating app, there’s a different way to do it, but usually it’s either at the top with the three dot menu or at the bottom with some kind of menu where you can select to block or remove them and then they won’t show up again. I found this incredibly helpful and I blocked or removed anyone who listed something that was a deal breaker for me. So some of the gripes with dating apps is that they’re withholding people from you so that you stay on the apps.

So if you are actively removing people from the pile of profiles they’re showing you, they’re kind of forced to show you other profiles. So I think I’m kind of the odd one out when I say that I actually like dating apps. The thought of having to go out and hope to meet someone who seems attractive to me and then I have to find out if they’re single or not and then I have to find out, you know, do they meet my deal breakers? Yikes, that’s a lot of work when now I can just stay home and see people who are actually looking to date and I can see on their profiles if they meet my deal breakers.

God, that’s so awesome. I really am such a home buddy. Home buddy? Home body.

Home body. Home buddy. Okay, I’m glitching out.

Anyway, I’m not saying the apps are perfect. There are cheaters, there are scammers and bots and people with bad intentions, but meeting a stranger in line at the bank, they can be a cheater, they can be a scammer too. Probably not a bot, but you know, it can still be dangerous.

I personally don’t believe there is one person out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people out there for everyone. You are a unique and special person and there are people out there who are a good fit for you.

When you embrace your authenticity and take responsibility for your own happiness, a beautiful world opens up for you. Living authentically can be a magnet and draw the right people into your life. If you haven’t listened to my previous podcast episodes, you can listen to them and learn about my extensive dating history and hear from my guests about their experiences.

You’ll see that you’re not alone. And if this feels like a lot to take on, try implementing some of these practices little by little and come back to this episode, listen to it again. Like I said in the beginning, it’s not like you could just flip a switch in your brain and have a new mindset.

It takes time. You can always email me at askelisapodcast@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram, TikTok or threads @askelisapodcast. Remember Elisa is spelled E-L-I-S-A.

I’m happy to hear what questions you have, what dilemmas you’re facing. I want to know if this is helpful or what other topics I can cover to help you have a better experience dating. And don’t forget to sign up for my monthly newsletter at askElisapodcast.com. Thanks for listening to Ask Elisa.

I’m your host Elisa Sparkman, and this episode was written and produced by me. Music by Jacob Patterson.