Ask Elisa Podcast

Find this guest on Tiktok @sarahisoverstimulated

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships in your late thirties, forties and older. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday.

And now with two years of dating under my belt, let’s talk about it. Today. My guest is Sarah.

Hi Sarah. Hi Elisa.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, no problem. Thank you so much for coming.

Um, can you just, just give us a little brief description, introduction of who you are? Sure. I’m Sarah. I’m from Hawaii.

I am 42 years old, mom of two, and I have been dating for the first time, um, just starting this year. First time since my twenties that I’ve been dating. So it’s definitely a new world, new experience, and I’m definitely a different person that I was back then.

So I can definitely relate to that. And you have your, um, Tik Tok, social media. Yes.

@sarahisoverstimulated. Yes. And that’s where we found each other.

Yes, it is. Both of us being 42 year olds sharing dating experiences online. Yes.

So it’s really funny that that’s kind of the, um, the avenue I decided to go down because it was never my intention to start, you know, like a whole page about dating in your forties. But those were the, um, the videos that were the most popular for me. And so Tik Tok said, you know, this is, this is your niche.

Go for it. Yeah. The same thing happened to me basically.

Yeah. I, my niche before this was cat videos. So I mean, I was just randomness, like everything in anything I was just posting just, just because, you know, I just felt like being, you know, silly, but then, yep.

They just started to take off. So here I am. Awesome.

And I’m excited to dive into that. Um, but first, uh, one of the things that I do on my podcast is I like to have everybody share something about themselves that has nothing to do with romance, romantic relationships. Um, if you are, uh, if you are a straight woman, nothing to do with men, um, well, I guess it can include men or boys in it if it’s not romantic and not about, you know, that kind of romantic partnership, just because we’re so much more than our love lives.

And so much of women’s lives in history is defined by the man they’re with romantically when, or, you know, if they’re not with someone romantically that defines their life, but we’re just so much more than that. And so the first thing before I start to like center dating and dating men, since I date men, I want to take this time to be like, Hey, look, even though this is what I do publicly, it is not at all everything about who I am. So I want something that you would like to share that has nothing to do with romantic interactions.

So this week the universe sent me the most random side quiz. So I have three dogs, I’m a total dog person, but, um, a mama cat brought her two babies into my yard. They just moved in.

So I’ve been taking care of them. Like I cornered off a little area in my yard for them to keep my dogs out of their way. And I’m just like, you know, feeding and taking care of moms so that she can take care of her babies.

So it’s been really exciting. So I set up a little camera and I have like a little kitty cam going and I’m sharing it with my friends on social media, on my private pages. So it’s really fun.

It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s been a good experience. I totally unexpected, but it’s, it’s brought a little piece of joy into my life. I have five cats and they are all cats that came to me.

I didn’t, well, except two that are 14 now, I got them as kittens on purpose, but the other three all just arrived here by chance and they’re all male cats. And actually yesterday I just told, um, my boyfriend was like, well, why are they all male cats? And I said, do you know how much I have dreamed for like a pregnant mama cat to show up here? I’m like, why are these, I like, I want the kittens and he’s like, how would you want six more cats? I’m like, I want the kittens. Yes, they are adorable.

Like, oh my goodness. So I’ve been in touch with like local cat rescues and they’re just saying, you know what? Just let mom take care of the babies for now. And I’m like, she’s doing great.

She can stay as long as she wants. Like I’m not going to evict her from my yard, but like, I’m also not going to trap her yet, but eventually I’d like to, to get her fixed. Yeah.

And find homes for the kittens, but it’s been such a joy to just watch them through the camera. Like I get an alert on my phone that there was motion and I’m like, Ooh, what are they doing now? It’s so fun. Love it.

Oh. Um, so you share that only on your private social media? Yeah. You know, you’d get a lot of views.

Probably. Yeah. Cause I do, um, I do edit the videos to be a little dramatic.

So I’m like, Oh yeah, I thought about it, but I’m like, oh, okay, maybe, maybe I will. Maybe I’ll put it on my Tik TOK. Yeah.

I like my Ask Elisa, Ask Elisa podcast on Tik TOK is my Ask Elisa content, but random cat videos just because why not? So why not? Yes. Animal videos are always the best. Um, I should share my, my, um, non-romantic related, uh, thing and that, and I don’t know if you know this, I sometimes post a have random posts about it, but I do community theater every, every spring I auditioned for a musical at a like small, small town community theater.

Like it’s, it’s not in the Seattle area. It’s like further away from the Seattle area. Like I go, I drive 40 minutes to go and be at this theater and work and be part of their productions because they’re like low stakes.

You know what I mean? Like they, they are okay. If you’re like, Hey, I have to miss some rehearsals. They are just, they’re really, what do you call it? Like it’s just, they’re just mellow.

They’re low key. They don’t, they’re not, they’re not trying to make money other than being a nonprofit, you know? So they’re not trying to the, everybody who auditions gets in. It’s more of, it’s like a community thing.

It’s not about like, it’s not stressful around whether you can commit or not. It’s an easy commitment for me when I have so many other commitments that if I were to try to do theater in like the main, along the I-5 corridor here in Seattle area in one of the bigger, there’s like some really good community theaters in Tacoma and Seattle, Issaquah, Everett and Olympia. So I could do some theater there, but they are just a little bit more intense.

And like the, the rehearsal schedule is really tight. And as somebody who works full time and now has a podcast and does social media stuff, and I’m trying to do a lot of writing as well, I just need to balance, balance it out. And they’re just, they’re so great.

They are so great about including people who have busy lives and I love it. So the first time I did it was just because they were doing a play that I really love. And it’s a, it’s a, it’s a musical called Something Rotten.

And for, for musical people out there, I got to play Bea, which is one of the female leads. And that was like a dream role, a dream come true. And then after that, that was in 2024, that’s when I first joined them.

And then I did a Murder Mystery. Oh no. And that was really, yeah, it was so fun, but it was really hard.

It was like, if you get a, if you mess up a line or miss a line, you like mess up the whole plot. You like, you know, cause you’re giving the audience clues along the way. Right.

Right. And so if you mess up, you mess it up. Like you mess up the story, but we did this, this one that had, was in like an old mansion and had like a trap, not trap doors, but like secret doors and stuff and like a moving bookshelf.

So the set was like so fun to play on. And I had this character that was on stage almost the entire time. So most of the time, like when you have a lot of lines, when you go off stage, you like review what’s coming up next.

So, you know, so it’s like freshening your mind. I couldn’t do that. I had to be, I was on stage like the whole time.

I was, if I was off stage, it was short or I had lines where I had to yell from off stage. So it was, it was really intense and I’m actually not going to do, they do a murder mystery every for Valentine’s day. They do like a dinner theater thing and I’m not going to do it again.

It’s fun, but it’s just too much because right after that is the spring musical. And so doing two shows back to back is a bit too much for me. I had a small part in the music man.

And then recently we did a Cinderella. That’s like a, an updated version of the Rogers and Hammerstein Cinderella. And I was an understudy for one of the stepsisters.

And I got to perform a couple of times. They always let the understudies perform a few performances. So that was really fun.

I really loved doing that one. So I’m excited about doing it again next year. And I’m, it’s so fun to just be able to like focus on, like work with people to do it.

I love it. Right. And it’s great that you found something that you do just because you enjoy it, right? There’s no like end goal.

There’s no like, you know? Yeah. And because I love to sing, I take voice lessons and I’ve like always been somebody who just likes to sing and people are always like, so you want to be a singer? And I’m like, I am a singer. I don’t need to like pursue it as a career.

Like I love singing and it’s fine. I don’t need to like profit off of it. Yeah.

The rush to monetize everything is kind of heartening, right? Just do it. Cause you, it gives you joy. Do it.

Cause it makes you happy. And I’m a firm believer that anybody who loves to sing should sing whether they’re good or not. Like, it’s so good for you to sing.

Like, it’s so good for your body. It’s so good for your, for your mental health that like, who doesn’t love like scream singing in the car, right? Like absolutely. It’s good for you.

Good for you. Yes. Everyone has their little concerts in the car.

Yeah. I think that doing theater has like helped me do, it’s helped me with social media stuff too. Like feel more comfortable talking and just like doing that.

And then having a lot of public speaking experience. I have a little bit of a journalism background. It kind of like all works together for like all of my skills kind of just perfectly make podcasting a really good fit for me.

Right. And it’s just communicating with people in different types of mediums. Right.

Yeah. And it just came out and like, it was, it was kind of out of the TikTok stuff that I was like, Oh, I, I love podcasts. Like I should do a podcast because I just started talking about dating on TikTok and realizing that I had a lot to say, just kind of like you around, you know, when you are a more mature woman and you have unlearned a lot of those or no, you have learned a lot of the lessons, right.

That you learn when you’re younger and you are not as, I guess, emotionally dependent on the outcome of like a potential boyfriend. Right. Everything is so much easier now.

Yeah. It’s like, we don’t have the fucks to give anymore. Yep.

I always say like, I am not tied to any particular outcome, you know? Yeah. And I think that, you know, one thing that I’ve been noticed is like all of this talk about like being intentional and dating intentionally is like kind of a buzzword around dating right now. And that makes people think that that kind of tricks our brains into like thinking that we’re dating for an outcome, like a specific outcome.

Like I’m dating to find my forever person. Right. And then it’s like, you’re not going to know somebody.

Yeah. Well, you’re not going to know somebody’s your forever person right away. So take a step back and maybe your intention should be like, my intention is to get to know this person.

You know what I mean? Like I think people, they put so much weight on an outcome that they just lose sight of like the process. That’s really important to like building a healthy relationship. Right.

Absolutely. So tell me about your history. So you haven’t dated since you were in your twenties.

Yes. And now you’re 42. Yes.

So let’s, let’s hear like a basic summary up until now. Okay. So I met my ex, my, my ex-husband, my father, my children, when I was 21, married at 23 and then had two kids.

And then it was my late thirties is when we separated. So I stayed single for a couple of years. I just didn’t even want to, I couldn’t even think about, you know, dating men, anything.

I was like, I’m just going to focus on myself, focus on my girls. And, you know, it was definitely the best decision that I made decent, really learned to decenter men and learned what it is that who I am and what I want. And so it was a really, really amazing time for me as far as growth.

So, um, late last year, I was like, hmm, kind of interested. Maybe let’s see what’s out there. So then I joined dating apps late last year, but then every time I would like, Oh no, not ready, not ready.

But then earlier this year, I really started to, you know, be more open to meeting new people. Cause I’m discovering that I’m still learning more about myself while learning about these other people. So it’s kind of cool.

And like you said, being detached from the outcome makes it a little bit easier because you’re not so focused on the future and like what could be, and like potentially filling this imaginary role with just somebody, you know, and also not dwelling or living in the past either about like, you know, these shitty things happen. I’ve had these shitty experiences and I’m going to, you know, let that, you know, lead my, you know, experience today. So just actively being present while dating right now is it’s that’s kind of where I’m at right now.

So, yeah, I like what you said about filling an invisible role, because I’m thinking that if you are, if, if there is no invisible role and you’re like dating for what it brings to your life, it’s just like all of the ups and downs of dating are just so much easier. And I didn’t really think of, I’ve, I’ve thought about it at like, you know, you’re live, you’re kind of not living in the moment. You’re kind of living in what may or may not happen, but I, you know, a lot of times, especially when you’re younger and also just like how much society makes us feel like you’re not whole or complete without a partner.

Absolutely. So if you, if there’s no invisible role for that, for a partner, if you are like full and complete as you are, which we all are, we all have the capacity to do that. We can, we can actually find somebody who’s going to be a huge, like shine and sparkle to our life rather than somebody you depend on for your own happiness.

Like nobody else is responsible for your happiness, but yourself. Right. They should be the sprinkles and the cherry on top.

Right. Yeah. So definitely feel that.

And I’m noticing too, because with the whole, you know, like you were talking about the dating intentionally thing, right? Like that can mean so many things to different people and it doesn’t necessarily mean have to mean I’m dating to get married. I’m dating to find my life partner. It could just be, I’m intentional about who I choose to give my time to.

I’m intentional about who I give my energy to. Right. Because like you said, I’m a whole person on my own.

Like if something doesn’t work out, I’m going to be okay. Cause I was okay before and I’m going to be okay after, you know, that’s how I, that’s how I approach things and it helps in learning to like not take things so personally too. Right.

Cause you know that you’re going to be okay no matter what. Right. And if, and you also just have this confidence in like, it’s okay if somebody, if I’m not somebody’s cup of tea, like it’s not.

Yeah, absolutely. Cause it’s going to be that way for most people, you know, statistically speaking, if we look at it in an analytical way, right. Yeah.

So like, I often share that. I went, I like went on 45 first dates before I got a boyfriend and like, it takes time. And then I’ve seen people post or post online.

Like I went on 10 dates in the last, um, the last year. And I just like, I can’t find someone I’m giving up. I’m like, 10 people is, you know, nothing.

Right. So are you using dating apps? I am. Can I ask which ones? Oh my gosh.

I’ve tried a little bit of everything. So Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Facebook dating. Oh my God.

That one was. I haven’t tried Facebook dating. Yeah.

That one’s definitely a quantity over quality. I feel like OkCupid is that way too. And then, um, I just started the league, but I’m not really a fan of it.

I’ve already deactivated my account. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I never, I never did it. I got like the invite and I was like, eh. Yeah.

And I really think just the ones that the most people use in your area. You know what? I live in such a small pool that like, it’s the same people everywhere on every app. So, you know.

So which one, which ones do you have activated now? The ones that I use the most regularly are Hinge and Tinder. Okay. Yeah.

Hinge tended to be my favorite. Um, I liked, I like the setup. I like the way that you can, um, have voice recordings and, um, but you can’t share pictures like you can on Bumble.

Yeah. Um, but I, I like the voice prompts in, in the profiles and I just feel like it was the easiest to use. People are always like, which dating app is the best.

It’s so subjective. It is. It really is.

Like my least, one of my least favorites is actually Bumble. Like surprisingly, like I thought I was going to like that one the best, but I just don’t like the time limits. Yeah.

That’s frustrating. Like we got lives to live people. Sometimes I don’t check it.

Right. Yeah. You just never know.

Like maybe you had a match, but then like you didn’t check it one day and like it expired. Like you go, you go off the grid for two days and then. Yeah.

What you missed. Yeah. I haven’t used Bumble in over a year now because I, I used it.

And then in, um, in July last year, I deleted the apps for a little while, took a break. And then when I went, was ready to do it again, I just used hinge and I tried to make my profile as cringy as possible to like it to just basically like. I know what you’re talking about.

You want them to self weed. You want them. Yeah.

Like you’re like the guys that are just going to look at my pictures and like me, I want them gone. So I use pictures without makeup. I use pictures where I’m just like looking a little scrubby.

And, um, and then I did like, I just put out that I love musical theater and Broadway. Cause I’ve had people, oh my gosh, I’ve had guys just unmatch me as soon as I tell them I do community theater. They’re like no theater people.

And so you have to know that I am constantly singing, constantly doing terrible impressions and, um, and that I am a theater nerd and that I have a bunch of cats. There you go. Yeah.

I’m the same way. I make mine as like, as repulsive, like not repulsive, right? You want to, I say it’s putting your most annoying self up front. So I, one of my prompts on Hinge, actually on every profile is, um, one thing you should know about me or my biggest red flag is that I’m mean to men.

I think that’s great. So you should see like some of the replies I get to it. Well, some guys have like fetishes around that.

I mean, you got like, some guys are saying, you know what I’m into it. And then you have other guys who are, who match with me just to scold me about it. And I’m like, I’m screenshotting that one for TikTok.

But I’m like, you’re kind of rage baiting them, but you’re also, I’m totally rage baiting, but I’m also making it so that they know up front that like, I’m not the one. Yeah. And then there are people who can handle it because the men that understand that, that we have so much anger towards patriarchy.

Right. And yeah, when we say we’re mean to men, or we don’t like men, or we hate men, but the ones that don’t take that personally are the ones that can stay. Exactly.

Those are the only ones I want to stay anyways. Like if you think it’s either hilarious or you’re like, you know, valid. Yeah.

Only two. And I’m like, you know what you think you can enter? Yeah, no, I love that. Yes.

So it’s definitely been the best prompt I put on all my profiles because yeah. Yeah. Like they can’t just be looking at the pictures.

Come on. And a lot of you right now. I’m telling you right now up front that I’m going to be mean to you.

If you’re an asshole to me, I will definitely hurt your feelings. So if you can’t handle that, then yeah. So good.

So do you only date men? No, I’m open to dating men, women, non-binary. Do you have a description for your sexuality that you use? So on Hinge, I put pansexual. Okay.

Yeah. I recently worked out with my therapist that I’m also pansexual. Apparently, even though I date men, I mostly date men.

Definitely. But it’s not the gender that I’m attracted to. It’s the energy of the person.

And so that energy can exist in all kinds of bodies. Yeah. Yeah.

I just have like one type of woman or non-binary person that I find myself attracted to sometimes. So I feel like I’m like 98% straight and like 2% other. So I guess that equals pansexual for like if I’m looking for a label.

Right, right. Because it definitely is a spectrum. And when I look to date, I only look to date men.

So when you do your settings on your apps, what do you do for who you’re looking for? Mine’s open to everybody. Oh, really? And if you’re in a smaller community in Hawaii, so have you gone out with non-binary or women or? I have. Yeah.

And you just kind of primarily gravitate towards men. Yeah, definitely. I do every so often date a woman or somebody who’s non-binary, but it is overwhelmingly men that I date.

Yeah. I had a guest on who was pansexual, who was the same kind of same way. And then another guest is bisexual and she primarily feels romantic connection with women.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, it’s so it’s interesting. And I think I like I’m asking about this and I like sharing about it because I think people, a lot of people have a very narrow view of what queer can be.

Right. And like, I used to be like, I guess I’m I guess I’m a little bit bisexual. I just I didn’t really know how to put it.

And but I couldn’t. And like, so people would think like, oh, you’re into women. And I’m like, but not really.

No, I don’t ever. I never go around like, I don’t look at women that way at all. Like, it’s not it doesn’t even cross my mind.

Most of the time, like I was talking about how I love an actress. I can’t remember who it was. And my boyfriend was like, oh, like you have a crush on her.

And I was like, no, I just think she’s beautiful and a great actress. But it’s not like not in a crush way. You know, in like the women supporting women way.

And most of and like so every time I’m but so it’s frustrating. I think he’s getting it more now. But like, every time I would be talking like fangirling over a woman, he’d be like, oh, you have a thing for her.

I’m like, no, I don’t. Everything is so I’ll tell you when I do. Yeah, I’ll tell you when I do.

But yeah, it’s really interesting, because like getting to define that, you know, and deconstruct not just, you know, patriarchy, but, you know, heteronormity, normativity. Yeah, yeah. Because a lot of the things that we felt to be true, you’re learning that like, wait a second, you know, when you’re a kid, did you have crushes on women and girls? And like, no, it wasn’t a thought for me.

Like, it wasn’t. I don’t know. It just Yeah, it wasn’t anything that came to mind came.

Yeah, I didn’t either. It was never it was just because there was no role model for that. There was no language for that back then.

Yeah, at least openly the way it is now. But I feel like, you know, people think that you have to have known your whole life. Like, it’s not like something that can just that you like your like, sexuality can morph over time.

And I just think that that’s also kind of a because people because it’s not necessarily, you know, it’s not something you choose. Right. So why would we choose men? Right.

Yeah. And like being being when you’re so like, if you come out, like for me, like I suddenly I’m like, Oh, I actually have a crush on this woman. I’ve never had a crush on a woman before in my life.

And I’m like, like 37 years old and suddenly have a crush on a woman. I’m just kind of like, Oh, okay, whatever. But for somebody who is who’s been like, has stood by like, no, like, you know, sexuality is not a choice.

You’re born this way. Like, it’s like, okay, well, I don’t really think I feel like I was born straight. You know, but I think maybe we all have the ability to like if because I want because I never had a crush on a woman growing up.

I never, it was never something that popped into my mind until I was in my late thirties. Cause when people ask me, they’re like, you’re straight. Right.

I’m like, yeah. And that’s how I’ve always just kind of, because if there has been no point in like explaining this, this little thing. Right.

So I decided like, Oh, in practice, I’m straight for now. Like I, I practice or just say mostly. Yeah, no, I get that.

Because it’s like, how much energy do I want to, you know, give to this conversation with you? Like, are you able to receive this with the kindness that it deserves? You know, so I guess some people you can have those conversations with and, you know, feel, you know, respected and they can handle nuance and, you know, all of that. But most people, it’s just, it has to be black or white, this or that. Right.

They cannot think abstractly. Yeah. The way that this conversation requires.

So tell me a bit about your past, I guess, year now, right. About a year of dating. Let’s, let’s hear some of the highlights.

The highlights. Okay. You know what? I’ve had some pretty good experiences actually.

So because I’m so strict with my filtering on my profiles, like I generally don’t match with a lot of people. Because of that, you know, so the ones that I do end up meeting in person, like, even if we didn’t work out romantically, a lot of them are my friends. So I think that’s, that’s pretty amazing.

Yeah. I, I got pretty good. Cause so I dated for about before I, I became in a, gotten into an exclusive relationship with Jake.

I, it was like 17 months of dating and going fast, like with it and like going on a ton of dates. And after like the first six months, I was able to be a lot more, and I, I always, I needed to see that through their, through the profile and through the chatting that they were generally a safe person. Exactly.

Like, so I started throwing out little tests of like setting little boundaries, right. Like little boundaries to see, do they, do they throw a fit over me saying, I don’t want to give you my phone, give anyone my phone number until we’ve met in person. Or I like, sorry, I, I don’t want to go on this kind of date because my first date is a vibe check and I will only go on like a low stakes first date.

And if they’re just like, well, how am I supposed to win? And like, how am I supposed to, you know, show my best self? I’m like, well, then obviously you’re not my type. If you can’t. If you need the bells and whistles, yeah, to distract you, right? Yeah.

Yep. I do something similar too. Like I make sure that they know that I’m, I’m pretty strict when in the chats.

So yeah, a lot of them will just see themselves out because they, you know, they realize they can’t get what they want from me or they, I’m not easy to manipulate. Cause yeah. Setting those boundaries early is really, really important because they’re going to tell you a lot about the other person that you’re dealing with for sure.

Yeah. And I think that when their boundaries around like your safety and comfort, there’s, you know, there’s no wiggle room for a response. I think that there’s like, when I say I don’t give my phone number out, if they were to respond, Hey, I understand that.

But for me, I really like to have a phone call before a first date. And then they say like, because I’ve got like, I, to me, it’s like, for me, the phone call is a vibe check, you know, then I’d be like, okay, I’ll do it this time. I think, you know, that’s fine.

Like if they were to say like, I hear you, this is what, this is how I like to do things. And if I’m feeling like that seems reasonable and you, you know, then, then maybe I would, but no, usually they either just unmatch right away. Or I had one person throw a huge fit.

Yeah. Cause they just want to text you forever and not actually put in genuine effort. Right.

That’s what it is. Yeah. They want to have you in their back pocket.

They want to have like the benefit and validation from the connection without ever having to show up or they have a wife at home. Oh my God. Yes.

So you have a story about that? Yes, I do. So I was chatting with this one guy, I matched with him and he was, you know, just saying really, really sweet things, but then eventually it came out in conversation that he was married and I’m like, bruh. Do you have some kind of excuse? So, okay.

So he was, you know, talking about like, you know, he’s looking for a woman to spoil. He wants to take care of her, you know, all of those things. And then it comes out, oh, by the way, I’m married and I operate discreetly.

And I’m like, are you asking me to be your mistress? Yeah. And I’m like, the fuck is wrong with you? And so I told him, I was like, you need to take this energy that you’re trying to give to me and like, give that to your wife because this is not it. I am not a side chick.

Or end your fucking marriage. My God. Like, why aren’t you not giving your wife this energy? Like you were out here in the streets, sir.

Like trying to like. If you don’t want to be married anymore. I was like, dude, no.

What is this? Because first of all, like to even approach me like that, like you think that low, that shitty of me, like, no. And then highly of yourself and then to disrespect your wife and the mother of your children like that. Like, no, I’m not the one.

Yeah. And I’m like, I think most women aren’t. So that’s why they keep it a secret the whole time.

Like I have one of my episodes with Claudia who dated a man for three months and then she found out just by, oh, his wife was dead. Basically, that’s what he said. And then, then when she saw his phone, like when he was using it as a flashlight, but it was facing them.

The text popped up from with the dead, dead wife’s name. And she’s like, hmm. And then she Googled.

Yeah, dead wife because, you know, she had Googled him before, but he was using like a different, um, like associated last name, like the last, like it was. Yeah. Well, that one, that’s my, um, this should be a Netflix show episode.

I don’t know what number episode it is, but I feel like I’m getting much better at like picking out the married men on the TV because a lot of their pictures, they’re going to be looking away to the side or like looking down, like you’re going to see, or they’re going to be like far distance. There’s going to be like a lot of like scenery, like a beautiful scenery behind them. And they’re just like this little tiny person.

They want to have that plausible deniability. Right. So like they’re giving you just enough, but you’re not really seeing their face too closely.

Yeah. Those guys, those guys, I mean, we don’t even have to like talk about the ones that were just like photos of their torsos. Right.

Oh my God. Those ones are obviously married. And, um, there was one.

Okay. Cupid one that I got, that was a photo of a man’s lap. It was so disgusting.

And it wasn’t even like a lap with something going on. It was just the lap. I mean, maybe there was something going on, but there wasn’t much to see there.

My musician’s trying to say, come sit here. Oh my God. No.

Oh, so gross. No, but it’s funny. But like when you look at it from such a detached, you know, perspective, like it’s just hilarious.

Like you can just laugh at it because it’s ridiculous. Yeah. And I, yeah.

And also my, one of the story times that I did with Hillary, she was dating a woman who was married the whole time. And I mean, it happens like people pull it off. They really do.

And they’re usually people who just are smart about it. They know they they’ve done it a lot. I like both times when I asked both of these guests, whether they thought the person had done it again, they were like a hundred percent.

And the one with Hillary, that person had been doing it to multiple people at the same time. Yeah. Yeah.

Crazy. I mean, my ex was that way too. So.

Oh really? No, sorry. No, you know, it’s just, it’s, it’s interesting because somebody capable of living such a double life like that, like, like how you, one, you can’t trust them. Right.

And two, like, they don’t like themselves enough to be one person and live one life genuinely. So like, that’s not just gonna, that’s not gonna work out ever in those situations. So, so you find out that he was cheating and is that how things ended or like just what you want to share? That’s what happened.

Yep. Yep. That is what happened.

They don’t want to lose their safety net. Well, yeah, it’s because he was definitely the, the nice guy, you know, like outwardly everybody’s like, oh my God, he’s so amazing. He’s such a nice guy.

Right. But he was actually living two separate lives. Wow.

So he would be out, you know, just smiling and just, you know, being such a, everybody’s like, oh my God, he’s such a great husband, such a great dad. But at home, like, it was a completely different story. So once I got to the point where I was like, you know what, I’m done being your, you know, PR person, basically.

Right. Like, cause you want the image of being a, you know, a good husband and father, but you don’t want to actually be one. So like, yeah, that’s it for me.

Yeah. You need those like reality checks. Right.

Like you kind of feel something like, isn’t the way it should be, or maybe, but then you don’t really know for certain, but then once you’re hit with that shitty reality and like, you’re like, I actually don’t know this person. Like I thought I did. You know, back in the day, it was like, except like back in the day, as in like in the, like 1800s, early 1900s, it’s just like, it was, you know, because women didn’t have choice, a lot of choices.

They just had to, had to put up with a cheating husband. Right. Their, their safety and their livelihood depended on having a husband.

It’s not that way anymore. So sorry guys. Really? Yeah.

And you know, for me, the biggest fear was being a single mom. Right. But then came the reality check that like, wait a second.

I have been a fucking single mom this whole time because like while he’s out in the streets doing whatever the fuck he wants to do, like I’ve been at home taking care of our kids by myself. So, and I was like, once I really like, you know, accepted that fact, I was like, you know what? Fuck it. Proud of you, Sarah.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. So one of the things that you have kind of honed in, in your TikTok work, your social media work at Sarah is overstimulated is you’ve kind of fallen into like a subculture or a sub, like a, a sub niche of the dating in your forties niche.

And that is the Cougar niche. So I was kind of like, I, I came across your videos where you’re like talking about Cougars and like dating younger. And I was like, oh, that’s fun.

So I actually did not, I tried not to watch a lot of those videos because I wanted to hear it from you like today. Oh, sure. Sure.

Sure. You know what? It’s really interesting because I kind of just threw out just random video one time where, you know, I said something like, you know, if you are a middle-aged man is not making you feel anything is making you feel anything but beautiful. Like there’s going to be a line of like younger men waiting to take his place.

And like that just started to like get a lot of attention. And then I’m looking at my analytics and then TikTok is saying like, people are searching for Cougars and they’re finding your videos. And so I’m like, okay.

And so I leaned into it a little bit more. And then it’s just, that’s just what people are coming to my page for. They want to listen to me talk about being a Cougar.

So I like the youngest person I ever matched with was six years younger than me. Like I, and that is the guy I told the story on the dating story time with Hillary, the guy who, who called me at like eight 45 on a Saturday morning, still drunk from the night before. So I ended up not meeting with him.

So I was like, no younger men. I need guys within my, I’ve always just been like within five years, like six years is not even a big difference. Right.

So, so what is your younger range? Like, what is, what is a Cougar like mean to you? Like, what is the, what is the age range to make you a Cougar? Okay. So I think it’s just generally men that are younger than you. And I don’t think that it needs to have a defined timeframe or time age gap.

But for me specifically, like I, when I first started dating, I was like, you know what, let me go for some age appropriate men. You know, I’m going to set it for like late thirties to maybe late forties. But I was just finding that like men in their forties are just really stubborn and really cranky and I’m just a very high energy person.

So I started going a little bit younger because I kept getting, you know, likes and match or not match requests, I would say from younger men. So I was like, okay, let me just try this out. So I started going early thirties.

And then, you know, that was actually a really good fit. And then I even, my youngest guy that I dated was 26. Wow.

But he was an academic. So we had a lot to talk about. He was, you know, more on the mature side.

So he wasn’t like, you know, out partying and all that stuff. So that’s kind of a requirement. So for me, like if I’m going to date somebody younger, they need to be, you know, a whole ass adult on their own.

They need to be mature. They can’t be, you know, like party boy kind of still in that mindset because I’m a mom, you know, I’m in my forties. I got, I got so much other things to think about that I can’t deal with that.

So if they are younger, they still need to be really mature. Okay. And they want to date older women.

They absolutely do. Why do you think that is? Well, I’ve asked them this. And they just like that we are more confident and secure in ourselves.

Like we know who we are. We know what we want. And there’s no guessing with us.

And they find that they’re seeing that women their own age are still not quite there. You know, they’re still having to learn some of the lessons that we’ve already learned. So just they’re really attracted to our confidence and stability.

I don’t blame them. Yeah, that’s interesting. I did.

I’ve, I, well, I had some younger men in their twenties reach out to me or like on TikTok on my, like, if I was doing a TikTok live or something like, oh, the, the best sex I ever had was with a woman in her forties. And there, and like, you should date me. You should date me.

And I’m like, I do not want to. I’m sure there are, there probably are other women who do so, but just, it’s not me. Yeah.

And also when they’re saying it like that, it’s like, I like this like idea of being attracted to the confidence and the stability and the fact that we don’t play games and we’re, you know, we’re going to tell them how we feel. We’re going to tell them what we want. We’re going to tell them what we need.

We’re going to express ourselves. Right. And like that, that is like, oh, I can get behind that.

But when they’re like, oh no, well also, I mean, because, you know, maybe we are more sexually mature and can, you know, not, not be so, and maybe I’m more confident in the bedroom too. I’m sure that’s, that’s true as well. Yeah.

Because we’re more confident in our bodies, right? Yeah. Yeah. I’ve had that, you know, younger men who, you know, obviously I didn’t go out with, but they are like, please teach me some things kind of thing, you know, bedroom.

Yes. And I’m like, this is not a service young man. What are you talking about? Yeah.

Like you don’t need to be, I mean, you can, you can learn through experience. You don’t need to be like, teach me sensei. I was like that desperation right there, boy.

Not cute. Yeah. And ever since I started posting the cougar content, I’ve have a lot of young men in my DMs on TikTok, especially.

And you know, some of them are asking for a sugar mommy and I’m like, first of all, like being a cougar does not equate to being a sugar mama. You know, like, no, that is not me at all. No.

Like I said, you need to be a whole adult on your own. If, if we’re going to even like, you need to be equally attracted to their confidence. Exactly.

And usually for me, it’s, I find like the energy really attractive, you know, but they, yeah, they have to be confident in themselves as well. Cause I’m not trying to be nobody’s mom. I got two kids.

I don’t want anyone. What’s is what kind of, do you have any like crazy DMS that you get? Like what’s maybe, what is that? What kind of the wildest, wildest thing is the sugar mama requests or do you get other requests? And then a lot of sexual stuff, you know, of course. Yeah.

A lot of sexual stuff. When I had a cast on my leg, I started getting a bunch of followers and I didn’t know why. Apparently it was like all this cast fetish stuff, but I had no idea.

And so after like a while, I like, after I got the cast off, I posted a video being like, Hey everybody, I got my cast off for my cast. You can unfollow. If I break another bone and need to cast again, you know, you can come back, but for now, nothing to see here.

Oh my God. No more DMs asking me to make a video of me doing something in my cast. Like literally like, can you show yourself doing this with your cast? Like just like putting out the garbage or like doing something and you just moving in my cast that they wanted it.

I was like, this is yeah. No, no. I’m going to post whatever I want to post.

Oh my God. Did they at least offer to pay you for that? I thought like, I think there are people who have like fake injuries probably on OnlyFans. And I thought I have like a consistent follower on TikTok where their picture is like a broken ankle and they started following me when I had cast content, which was not, it was just like my normal content.

But I guess that that just goes to show that there’s something for everyone. What do you put on your dating profile in terms of like what you’re looking for right now? Are you basically just looking for short-term casual or are you looking to find like a long-term relationship eventually? Like, is that your. So mine always say long-term open to short, just because I don’t want, you know, to get the guys that just want casual, you know, or, you know, just hookups kind of thing.

So I do say that even though I’m not tied to being in a relationship. But I’m just kind of living present moment, enjoying who I’m spending time with. And then I’m open to the possibility of things progressing.

If it makes sense, if it feels right. Yeah, I think it’s good. I think a lot of people like shit on that long-term open to short, like, what does that mean? It’s like, it means like, I think that a lot of people put that meaning, like I’m open to, I’m open to building something with somebody if it’s right.

Right. But if it’s not right, like a short-term relationship can be something I’m open to as well. Like people think that it’s like somebody who doesn’t, especially like in men’s profiles, like, oh, why the men are putting that? Like, you know, that’s, I think it’s fine.

Yeah. You know, I don’t actually trust what men put in their profiles anyway. Because if people think like, obviously, if you put long-term relationship that you’re not going to just like go on two dates with somebody and be like long-term relationship or nothing, tell me right now.

Right. Like people are like a long-term relationship means building. That’s what you want.

It doesn’t mean. But, you know, if I am, if I meet somebody and like them enough and want to, and they are not really looking for something long-term and I’d be like, okay, well, let’s just date for a while then. And I’m like, not exclusively because you don’t want to like build something.

That’s fine. It’s fun to have a short-term thing every once in a while. Like, it’s okay.

It’s okay to want both or to be okay with both. Right. It’s like, the big thing is that you’re enjoying their company.

Yeah. And then if it doesn’t lead to anything, then that’s okay too, for sure. Yeah.

So another thing that we do on Ask Elisa is answer a listener question. Okay. End of each episode.

And so it’s a chance for my guest and me to both give our perspective and our kind of advice to a listener question. And it’s fun because a lot of times it’s different. So the question I have from a listener, and it’s actually a TikTok follower.

And I think they also listen to the podcast. What do you think about getting closure? Is that something that you think is meaningful to get closure? Is it important to you? What does closure, like, what do you think about closure? That’s kind of. You know what? I used to really need to know the why behind everything, you know? But within the last, I would say like five, six, seven years, I’ve kind of shifted to not necessarily needing closure and like the common sense, but more radical acceptance.

So instead of needing to know the why, how could you do this to me? Like, why did this happen? Why am I not good enough? What could I do better? What did I do wrong kind of perspective? It’s instead shifting my focus to this happened. It was really fucking shitty. I’m sad.

And I know I deserve better, you know? So all of those things can be true. And that is enough for me now. Yeah, I like that.

I think in terms of a long-term relationship, having some sort of some conversations around how things are ending and maybe like if it’s a mutual way to kind of debrief, you know, like it can be helpful. But in terms of like short-term relationships, like when you’re dating, I don’t think you, like I personally, when a guy is like, can you tell me what I did wrong or why you’re not interested after like a few dates or something? I don’t feel like I owe it to them. To give them an explanation, like I don’t need to give them my time and energy.

I’m not responsible for their feelings. I’m not responsible for how they react and for how they respond and for how like I’m not here to cater to their needs when we barely know each other. Yeah.

So if somebody says they’re not interested in me, I just take like they don’t want, they don’t think it’s a good fit for whatever reason. I just take that at face value. I don’t like, I don’t like that’s enough.

That’s closure for me, right? Like it’s none of my business why they don’t think I’m the most amazing person ever. You know, I think I’m amazing. Right.

I know that there are people out there who will think I’m amazing as well. So I think that sometimes needing closure can come from needing to work on your own confidence, especially with short-term relationships. But I know that if a lot of people are facing constant rejection, like I don’t see somebody being not interested in me as rejection.

Absolutely not. Yeah. They’re not rejecting me as a person, as a human who, you know, they’re not rejecting me that I don’t deserve great things.

They are just not interested in building a relationship with me. And that’s totally valid. Right.

That’s okay. Yeah. So I think closure is overrated.

And, you know, even if you try to get those why’s answered, they might just tell you what they, what they think you want to hear. Do you really want someone to say your weird tooth just gave me the ick? You know what I mean? Like, or you had these mannerisms that reminded me of my old neighbor who was super creepy. Like, you know how sometimes there are little things that just make you like, I can’t with this person has nothing to do with them as everything to do with me and my experience.

So there’s no point in just being like, you know, just not a good fit for me. I don’t think that there’s a romantic connection here. I don’t think we’re, we are compatible in terms of a relationship.

Anything beyond that is none of my business and none of your business. Exactly. You need to know, you don’t need to know what I’m looking for.

And sometimes guys will think like, well, you didn’t give me enough a chance. Like one time I, I told a guy that I kind of, that I ended things with who really liked me that you know, that I really like guys who build stuff. Like, and he was like, well, I wish I could have shown you that I, that I can build things.

And I was just like, were you supposed to assign him a project? Yeah. I, I don’t like, I’m not saying you can’t build things either. Like I, like, I don’t know.

It’s just a weird, weird thing to be like, I wish I could have shown you that side of me. I’m like, I told you already that we’re not a good fit romantically and you just have to accept it. And I was thinking like, cause we were going to be friends.

Cause we, we did get along great. And I was just like, I don’t think I, I don’t know if we can be friends. If you say shit like that, obviously you’re not accepting me as a friend.

If you are saying those kinds of things. And I think that if you share too much of your why it’s actually not helpful. It’s better not to know.

Yeah. And I think it goes a long way to being able to not take things personally, you know? Cause a lot of times it’s, it’s not about us even. Cause maybe it’s you’re triggering something inside of them that they need to work on.

And they’re not, they’re uncomfortable and they don’t want to face it yet. So you never really know. So being okay with ambiguity is going to go a long way for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. And like a lot of people say, being clear, like clarity is kindness and dating.

Being clear does not mean explaining or overexplaining. Being clear is saying, thank you for your time. I don’t think we’re a good fit romantically.

This is done. Yeah, that’s being clear. Yes.

Yeah. And I think some people might misconstrue that as like needing to. Needing to say also, like, I think you’re a really great person.

And I think this, all these nice things about you, you know, you don’t have to, you don’t have to say any of that. You can say like, um, thanks for your time. I enjoyed talking to you.

I think you’re really funny, but I don’t think, you know, you can, you, you depending on like. You don’t, but you don’t have to just blow a bunch of smoke up their ass either. You know, be genuine, be authentic.

And sometimes you just don’t want to talk to somebody anymore and it’s okay. You can just say, sorry, we’re done here. Right.

It’s the firmness. Yeah. That needs to come with it.

You can be mean, you can be mean to men. We can all be mean to men. We can all learn a little bit from Sarah.

I think we all should be a little bit meaner for sure. Yeah. Especially because as women, we are just socialized to have to keep the peace and be nice.

And then the thing about being a people pleaser, like you’ll discover real quick that the people are never going to be pleased. So you might as well just take care of yourself. Right.

Oh my goodness. Well, thank you so much for, um, for your time, for joining me. Thank you for having me.

I appreciate it. And, uh, you know, I had a lot of fun. Thanks.

So I encourage everybody to follow at Sarah is overstimulated. If you want to stay updated with all of the spicy cougar content to support the show, subscribe to the monthly newsletter at ask Elisa podcast and follow the show on social media at ask Elisa podcast. And remember that Elisa is spelled E L I S A for a new podcast.

Like this engagement online goes a really long way. And I appreciate it so much. Thank you.

Thanks for listening to ask Elisa. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman. And this episode was produced by me and a guy I met on a dating app music by Jacob Patterson.