Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

It’s Ask Elisa, a podcast about dating and relationships in your late 30s, 40s, and older. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday.

And now, with two years of dating under my belt, I’m sharing what I learned. If you’ve been enjoying the show, subscribe to the monthly newsletter at askElisapodcast.com and follow the show on social media @askelisapodcast.

For a new podcast like this, engagement online really goes a long way and I appreciate it so much. Thank you. So welcome to my first solo episode.

One of the most common direct messages I get on social media is from people who haven’t dated in a long time, but want to get back out there and they just don’t know where to start. So this episode is for you, my friends. So you haven’t dated in a while.

Maybe you have been taking years away from dating, or you just got out of a long-term relationship and you want to start dating, but you don’t know what to do first. Well, the first thing I recommend is starting with some self-reflection. Why do you want to start dating? What are your dating goals? Do you want to date around a bit? Do you want to have some casual relationships? Are you just kind of seeing what’s out there or are you looking for your next partner? It’s okay to have a little bit of a combination of this stuff.

Like for me, when I first started dating, I kind of put myself in check thinking like, okay, ultimately I want a boyfriend and eventually a long-term partner. So in being intentional with dating, like dating intentionally is kind of this term that a lot of people are throwing around social media, around dating culture right now is like date intentionally, be intentional. I’m dating intentionally.

And I think some people kind of feel like that means that they are dating to find their person and forget that that takes time. And so if you’re so focused on that end result, it can be kind of hard to stay in the moment and take your time to get to know someone because you’re so focused on finding your person that you’re not thinking that before you find your person, they’re going to just be a person, right? So your dating goals can be your ultimate goal to find somebody to hopefully become your partner. But the first step is meeting somebody that you like and want to spend time with.

And eventually becoming exclusive and becoming a boyfriend and girlfriend or girlfriend and girlfriend, or boyfriend and boyfriend. And then building a solid relationship where you can decide to be together for however long you want to be together. So when you’re starting with dating, it’s okay to say I’m dating to meet people and eventually find my person, my partner, somebody I want to spend my life with.

So don’t stress too much about saying your dating goals have to be super specific. All right, the next thing to think about is what your deal breakers are. Your deal breakers or your must haves, they usually have to do with your values and your lifestyle, or thinking about things you actively think about things that you actively dislike.

Like for me, I am not at all into video games, gaming, gamer culture. I kind of actively hate that. So I grew up with like, well, a gamer brothers.

One of my brothers is a gamer. It’s just not my thing. So one of my deal breakers is that I’m not going to date someone who’s super into gaming.

I don’t mind if somebody plays video games every once in a while or plays video games here and there, but not somebody who’s super committed to gaming. So for me, that’s a deal breaker. And I am also somebody who just is not really into cars and I don’t care about cars.

I kind of think caring about cars is stupid. I mean, to each person, like who wants to do that, that’s fine. I’m not going to judge people who do it, but I’m not going to want a boyfriend who’s super into cars.

And by super into cars, I mean like goes to car shows and values having a really nice car and wants to get their car custom painted and that kind of stuff, because I would not want to spend my money on that kind of stuff or my time on that kind of stuff. So those are the kinds of things when I say like values and lifestyles, deal breakers, must haves. So think about the things that you want, need, and value when it comes to a relationship.

So once you’ve done that self-reflection, you can think about the different ways that you can date and it’s not automatically dating apps. Yes, dating apps are very widely used and I am a fan of the dating apps actually, but you can also let people that you trust know that you’re dating and open to being set up. If you want to meet somebody through friends, you can join groups or clubs and volunteer where you’ll meet people who share an interest in something that you are like, or so maybe you’ll meet like-minded people at a place where you’re volunteering for a cause that you really care about or joining a club like a gardening club or a hiking club or you could also take a pottery class or something where you might meet somebody.

Start getting yourself out there to experience things that you will enjoy and then you’ll meet other people who perhaps are also experiencing things that they enjoy and you’ll have that in common. And then you can go to events and talk to people like go to, if you do like car shows, go to car shows and talk to people or you can go to concerts or festivals, that kind of stuff. So if you meet people in real life, a lot of people see that as like being superior than meeting people on the dating apps and I just want to say that there’s no moral tie to where or how you meet people.

Like if you meet through a dating app, that’s just as legitimate as meeting someone in real life through say bumping into them at the grocery store and having your little meet cute. Dating apps are real life. The other thing that you should think about is there’s a lot of talk about stranger danger with the dating apps.

There’s stranger danger even when you are in the wild, right? Like you could meet somebody at the grocery store who seems great and you can get their number, they get your number and they could end up being a monster just as much as they could be on the dating app. And if you meet this person at the grocery store and then you decide to go on a first date, you should still take all the same precautions that you would take meeting a stranger through the dating app. So let’s talk about the dating apps.

When you download a dating app, the first thing you have to do is fill out your profile, what people will see of you on the dating app. The purpose of your dating profile is not to make yourself look as attractive as possible to the most people. You really want to represent yourself accurately.

You want to attract the right people for you. You want to attract the people who are going to like you and who you are with whatever personality quirks you may have. So one way I like to think about this is putting your most annoying self up front.

And last year I had deleted the apps, took a break. And when I came back on, I kind of felt like I just wanted to repel the men that I knew I wouldn’t like. So I decided to just be as annoying as I felt like in my profile.

I had a Britney Spears impression for the recorded prompt and you know, my Britney Spears impression, I think it’s good. Other people don’t. I am annoying in that I like to sing and do impressions all the time, even though they’re not good.

So that’s something that I just put right out there. I also put that I have several cats and I have a deep love of musical theater. I’m a musical theater nerd.

So I just put those things right up front. I put all my personality out there. That way you deter the people who aren’t going to like you and draw in the ones who are.

Basically be authentic and show your personality. The other thing that you have to remember around dating profiles is that you have to include photos. So here’s what I say for photos.

Again, show who you really are. So you should have at least one full body photo. You need to have a photo, at least one, but hopefully more of you smiling.

And don’t use more than one group photo. I don’t think you should use any group photos, but I do know that some people like to see that you have like a social life. So some people do appreciate group photos, but do not put it as your first photo and only use one group photo.

All right, we’re going to go over some don’ts with your dating profile. Don’t try to be clever, just be yourself. Don’t be self-deprecating.

If you are a little bit naturally self-deprecating and it comes naturally to you, maybe one little self-deprecating piece is fine. Don’t talk shit about the apps. Like one of the prompts might be like the biggest risk I’ve taken.

Don’t put downloading this app. Don’t refer to the apps. It’s just silly and everyone’s on there.

Don’t put them down. You’re there. You’re here.

Everyone’s here. Just we know. We know they are what they are.

You don’t need to call it out in your profile. Try to avoid cliches and sayings and avoid being sappy and romantic. So one thing that I’ve heard a lot of women put in their profiles is that they’re looking for their last first kiss.

That’s really cheesy. Don’t be cheesy. So if you are looking through and you notice that you have said some things that a lot of people put in their profiles, go back and change them.

You don’t want to be just like the rest of them. You might notice that there are some common sayings, common prompt responses, and you realize, oh, I did the cliche thing. You can always go back and change it.

So now that I’ve covered these don’ts, here are some things that you should do. Make sure that you fill out the whole complete profile. Don’t leave stuff blank.

Be honest. Show your passions, interests, show your values. Keep in mind that your profile is targeted to a reader, a viewer.

It’s like you’re saying, hi, my name’s Elisa. And they look at your profile. It’s like you’re telling them a little bit about yourself.

So when you include photos of yourself flipping off the camera to the viewer of your profile, it feels like you’re flipping them off. Your profile is a place for you to share about yourself, not to tell the reader who they are, not to tell them who they should be if they want to match with you. It’s okay to say a little bit about what you’re looking for, but please keep the focus on showing who you are.

Once you finish your profile, you will be prompted to set your filters for what you’re looking for. One thing that I should mention is the difference between a paid subscription to the apps and an unpaid subscription to the apps. A paid subscription might get you added filters that you can use to filter out people who you don’t like.

For example, on Hinge, you can only filter people by whether they smoke or don’t smoke or political affiliation or political beliefs and religious beliefs if you have the paid feature. And for me, those three things are a deal breaker. So when I first used Hinge for a while, I used the paid subscription.

So I didn’t even have to look at people who didn’t meet those deal breakers. And it felt good to not have to weed through a bunch of people who were not aligned with my political or religious beliefs and who were smokers. So you might want to try the app for a month without the paid subscription, see how it goes.

And then the next month, get a paid subscription and see how that goes and see whether it’s worth it or not for you to pay for the subscription version of the app. Now let’s talk about matching with people. You’re ready to make some matches.

So when you’re going through the app, you can decide whether you want to like somebody usually by hitting the like button or swiping right or depending on the app. And when you do this, just start off slow, move at a pace that’s comfortable for you. You don’t have to swipe right or like a bunch of profiles if you don’t feel excited about them.

If you look at a profile and think, hey, I think I actually would like to meet this person, go ahead and give it a swipe right or a like. But if you don’t see anybody that you actually want to meet, then maybe you’re not ready for that. And you could just swipe and look and look and look until maybe months later you find somebody and think, hey, this looks like a person I want to meet.

You hear from a lot of people like, oh, the dating apps are so exhausting or why did the dating apps feel like a full-time job? Well, you have a choice on how that goes. Like you are in control. So if you only want to look at the dating app for five minutes a day or once a week, that is up to you.

So when you finally match with somebody, you start chatting with them and chatting over the apps can be really fun and it can make you feel really good, especially if you haven’t connected with anyone in a while. But remember that chatting or texting can build a false sense of intimacy. Like you don’t know that person.

And just because you are texting and messaging all day throughout a day, you still don’t really know them. You might feel like you’re getting to know them. Sure.

And you might feel close to them pretty quickly if you’re in contact all day long. So I recommend limiting your chatting to maybe a couple messages back and forth over your lunch break, a couple messages back and forth over the afternoon, because if you message somebody for a week or 10 days, and you’re messaging all day long every day, by the time you meet them in person, you realize that there’s no connection there. You’d built it up.

You got really excited about it because over text, maybe everything seemed great, but then in person, like nothing at all. So say you’re chatting on the app and you just lose interest in the person. Maybe they say a few things that you realize, oh yeah, I don’t want to meet this person.

Just send them a message that says, thanks for chatting. Then you say something nice about them. Like you seem really fun, funny, smart, whatever, but I don’t feel like you’re what I’m looking for.

I wish you the best. That’s all you have to say. And then you can wait until they respond and say, Hey, thanks you too, or wait a little while.

And if they don’t respond, just unmatch them. A lot of times they’ll just unmatch you. People are matching and unmatching all the time.

It is not a big deal. It says nothing about you or your worth. If somebody decides to unmatch you, they don’t know you.

And if they find something about you that doesn’t jive with what they’re looking for, that’s no big deal. Everybody’s looking for something different just because it’s not you. It does not mean that there’s anything wrong with you.

And then remember you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you’re not interested. There have been times where I’ve told somebody like, Hey, you’re not really what I’m looking for. Thanks for chatting.

I wish you the best. And then they’re like, can you tell me what I did wrong? I’m like, no, they don’t need to know. I don’t know you.

I don’t owe you anything. And a lot of times, especially as women, we’re conditioned to want to please people and like we have to, we have to support their emotions, but you are not responsible for their emotions. You’re not responsible for their reactions or their responses.

So if you chat with somebody and things are going well and you get excited and you both are like, Hey, we should meet in person. As a woman who dates men, I require that the men first share with me their last name before I’ll go on a date with them. I tell them it’s for my own safety and comfort.

And if they don’t want to give me their last name, I don’t go out on a date with them. It tells me that they’re not actually dating to get to know someone and meet someone. It tells me like, maybe there’s something online that they don’t want me to see.

And that might be that they’re married or they have a or something. They don’t want me to find out. Most men happily share with me their last name and I give them mine as well.

I think we should be able to Google people before we go on dates with them. I also only communicate through the dating app until we meet in person. And I want to give them my phone number.

If they don’t like that, I won’t give them my number. There’s times where men will say, Hey, I don’t like talking through this app. Let’s switch to texting.

I say, no, thanks. I actually prefer to stay in the app until a first date. If they start saying, well, that’s crazy or no way.

Like this app is terrible. Why wouldn’t you want to go to texting? Then that tells me that they can’t respect my boundaries. A simple boundary man, texting through the apps is not really any different than texting through your phone.

And also they signed up for the dating app. That’s what the dating app is. And I don’t like having a bunch of random men’s numbers in my phone.

So until I meet them in person and want to go on a second date with them, I won’t give them my phone number. So like I said, I Google them before I go on a date, I’ll Google their first name and the city they live in. And what I usually do is look to see if they have a LinkedIn profile or social media profile where I can just confirm their identity and might look at one or two pages of a Google search to see if anything alarming pops up.

And then before I go on the date, I always send the following information to least two friends, the full name of the person I’m going out with a screenshot or a screen recording of their dating profile. And sometimes I send them a link to whatever social media I found. And then I tell them the place of the date and the time of the date.

And then I also always share my location with a friend. We have to be safe. Like we have to be safe about these things.

It’s just the world we live in. And if, if you are going out with somebody and they think you’re being ridiculous or they’re offended by this, they are not a safe person, honestly. If, if anybody is offended by you taking safety precautions to meet with them because they’re a stranger, then they’re generally going to be not a safe person.

So a few things about first dates. Always, always have your first date in a public place. I like to think of the first date as more of a vibe check.

If you’ve listened to my podcast, you know that I have this, this idea that a first date is not a commitment. A first date is just a meeting, a vibe check to see if you are actually interested in going on a date date. At least that’s my opinion.

So a first date I think should be casual and not super romantic. The second date can be romantic. Always take your own transportation to the first date.

Never get in the date’s car. If you decide to continue to a second location after the date, say your vibe check is going well, and you want to go to, go to a nearby park or something, take your own transportation. Do not get in their car.

Do not go to their place. Do not let them come to your home. First date, never do that.

So hopefully that is enough to help motivate you to at least get started on dating. Check out the dating apps, see what they’re like. You don’t have to commit to anything just because you download a dating app.

And remember that a dating app is a tool to help you filter through people in your area who are dating. It’s not a solution to finding the one. You may or may not find that person.

So make sure when you start dating that you’re also still doing a lot of fun, good stuff for yourself. Don’t stop doing your hobbies. Keep focusing on building your own life outside of dating, outside of romantic relationships, so that you can thrive whether you end up in another romantic relationship or not.

So much of our society makes it seem like we have to have a romantic partner to be whole, to be complete. And that if you are not in a romantic relationship, somehow you are less successful than somebody who is in a romantic relationship. So if you’re feeling like you need to get out there and date and find a romantic partner only because other people keep telling you to, but you don’t really want to, forget them, man.

Like you don’t need, you don’t need a romantic partner to be fulfilled and to live a good life. So if you don’t want to date, don’t date. And why don’t you take a listen to episode eight, flying solo with my friend Morgan, who chooses not to date.

It’s totally valid to not date if you don’t want to, or if you’re not ready to. And it’s totally valid to date just to date and have fun and meet people and go have dinner, go dancing, go bowling, do whatever it is you want to do and have fun dating and not be looking for the one. You can make it however you want it to be.

You’re in control of your own dating life. So that’s my recommendations for how to get started dating. If you’re kind of struggling on like what first steps to take.

I hope this episode is helpful for people who are trying to figure out how to get started in dating. And I also encourage you to go ahead and message me on social media, send me an email. If you are struggling, have questions, want to share a story, I’m here for you. So it’s at Ask Elisa podcast and my website is askElisapodcast.com.

Thanks for listening to Ask Elisa. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman. This episode was produced by me and a guy I met on a dating app. Music by Jacob Patterson.