Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Ask Elisa, the good, the bad, and the ick is a podcast about dating in your late 30s, 40s, and older. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday, and now, with two years of dating under my belt, let’s talk about it.

Today my guest is Claudia. Hello. Hi, Claudia.

Can you introduce yourself, please? Yeah. My name is Claudia. I live outside, or in the general Portland area.

I’m 42, and I work as a mental health counselor, therapist, been doing that for about 10 years, and I’m excited to be here. Thank you, and you’re a lifelong Pacific Northwesterner, aren’t you? Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Just like me. Proudly so. All right.

When it comes to dating, I firmly believe that if you choose to date, that it should be part of your life and not your whole life. Before we start talking about dating, let’s take a few minutes to share something about ourselves or our lives that’s exciting or interesting or that we’re happy about that has nothing to do with romantic relationships, because we are so much more than our love lives. Absolutely.

Let’s see. I would say I grew up riding horses, which people don’t necessarily know that about me, but I was in horse 4-H, rabbit 4-H. I did barrel racing and did English and Western and lots of different riding things, and I miss that a lot, and hopefully I’ll get back to that someday.

That’s actually how I met you, because my neighbors that I grew up with that I’ve super close with were in horse and rabbit 4-H. Yes. Such a random thing, but yeah.

I was not in horse or rabbit 4-H. I rode a horse once, rode the neighbor’s horse once. Oh, just once? Yeah, and it took off running.

Was it ebony? I don’t … Yeah, it was ebony, and I got totally scared. It was horrible, but also they’re just so big and they just intimidate me. I think they’re beautiful, and I love them from afar.

There you go. That’s perfect. Yeah.

I’m more of a cat person myself. That’s what I’ll share is I love cats. I’ve always had cats in my life, and growing up we always had like four to six cats at a time, and I lived on some kind of a larger rural property where it was … The ratio of cat to space was nice, even though some people are like, oh my God, five to six cats, that’s crazy.

But they were indoor-outdoor, there was lots of space, and I have continued that tradition. I currently have five cats. They are all male, and they were all strays.

Two of them I adopted as kittens from a shelter, and then the other three found their way to me. If there are stray cats around my property now, I will not try to keep them, but I will try to maybe help them if they need to be fed, or I might try to find them a home, but I cannot have more than five cats. Come on.

Six sounds like such a good number. They get expensive, especially as they get older, because the first two that I adopted as kittens from a shelter, they are about to be 14, and they’re starting to need special food and medication and that kind of stuff. Five it is.

Yeah. I love … I think three, honestly, is my ideal number for my space. I think I’m not going to ever get more than five, and three is my ideal number.

This episode, we are going to talk about the chatting phase of when you match with somebody on a dating profile. Claudia, can you share a little bit about your dating history? Just a brief summary of how many years, would you say, of experience on the dating apps do you have? I would say that my dating experience came in spurts. I did a little bit back in 2014, and then was like, no, this is hard.

Then, I would say I started more intentionally and decently consistently since … Oh, gosh. In the last 10 years. I’ll put it that way.

About the last 10 years, with, again, some stops and starts. Yeah. That’s a lot of experience, more than me.

Yeah. It’s not a fun time. But it is okay.

Yeah. It’s important, and it just is like it’s having standards. Let’s just go ahead and jump into talking about that chatting phase on the dating apps.

Starting from the beginning, are you comfortable sending a first message? Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

Because what I have seen in profiles is often that men will say something like, they’ll mention lots of bots or people asking for money or something. I think me sending a first message, and I don’t put a lot of effort into a first message, but just to be like, look, I’m a real human, I will try to respond something that shows that I read their profile. Really simple like, I enjoy kayaking too, or something like that.

Yeah. I think the best intro message is making a little reference to the profile. I absolutely hate the intro messages that are an automatic like, well, an obvious copy and paste that they send everybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also hate those opening questions that are like, if you could have a dinner party with six guests, anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be? I hate that kind of opening question where it’s just some kind of like, big question. Again, that would be, yeah, and that could be a copy paste situation.

Oh, I’m sure they send it to everybody thinking it’s like, that might be a fun question to ask later on when you’re trying to get to know someone. But honestly, I think like a, hey, hi, how are you? I see you like baking. I like to eat.

My favorite baked good is a scone. What’s yours? What do you like to bake? You know, just like some kind of reference to show that you actually read the profile. I can be guilty of, if I’m being a little bit lazy in how I’m sending a message, I can be really guilty of like a, how are you this fine Wednesday? I think that’s fine, honestly.

I’m okay with that. It shows that, I think again, it’s to show that I’m a real person, that I can acknowledge what day it is or like something about the weather, which I know is like silly, but it’s just to be like, look, I’m real. Yeah.

I think it just a hi, how are you is totally appropriate. Some people think it’s low effort. So I think a way to like, if you want to be a little more strategic is to make a reference to the profile.

Yeah. I would agree. But I think it’s, I honestly, if a guy sends me, matches with me, obviously I’ve matched, we’ve matched.

So there’s some level of interest there to just say, hey, how are you doing today? It’s totally fine with me. Yeah. Yeah.

So when you are in the chatting phase, like what kind of information do you need to get before you will go on a first date with someone? I think there’s certain things like alignment, things that I need to be in alignment with, which is, you know, politics. I want this person to be in like roughly a similar phase of life as me. Like they can have kids, they cannot have kids.

They can, there’s a lot of things that can be different that I don’t need us to be the same, but I want them to have like a steady career or job. Like it doesn’t, I’m not even picky on what that is. I need them to be able to take care of themselves because I’m not about to pay somebody’s way.

I want them to add to my life rather than take from my life. So some things like that. I do need to know that we’re both looking for the same thing.

And that’s something I like to figure out in the chatting phase, at least to some degree. We can’t answer that fully, but like I want to know, are they really just looking for friends with benefits? Then like, that’s okay for them to look for that, but that might not be what I’m looking for. So roughly same page of what we’re looking for.

Yeah. And I think like some similar interests of like how we like to spend our time. I want somebody to add to my life.

So I want them to do things and be out there experiencing life. And so some sense that they do that. I’m sure there’s more things I’m just forgetting.

Yeah. I like to find out, like get a good feel on their personality. What are some things that, like standard questions you ask? Do you have specific questions that you ask to gauge their personality? I heard it somewhere that it’s good to have like a little, like something that might be a little disappointing to them.

Like not that I’m going to set out to intentionally disappoint someone, but like where, how would I say this? Like, let’s say we had a date planned for like a Friday. I’m not going to intentionally cancel it, but if it’s like, oh shoot, I need to reschedule. It’s very helpful to see like how they respond to something like that, which I guess isn’t necessarily a question.

So that isn’t, but it’s something that I do try and find a way to incorporate. I have little response checks that I share. So I found this out after I started dating again, after a good friend of mine passed away.

One of my very best friends passed away and unexpectedly, and I took a break from the dating apps. And when I, part of the reason I didn’t want to keep dating, I mean, obviously like initially, you know, the first several weeks after she died. But I didn’t want to have to be like, it was also the summer.

And so like in September, I didn’t want to be like, go on a match with someone and have them say, how was your summer? Well, it was the worst summer of my life. You know what I mean? Like, so. Yeah.

Like, so I didn’t really know. So I took a break, but then around mid-October, I downloaded the apps and I found sharing that I had just, like one of my best friends just passed away this summer. I am still navigating a lot of grief, like sharing that vulnerability and seeing their response told me so much about them and their emotional maturity.

Capacity to stay with you in that. Because like, so some people responded like, I’m sorry for your loss, which is not a bad way to respond, but you could tell they were not really holding it. They were just like giving you the standard response.

What would be the perfect response? The perfect response was usually, wow, that is really sad. That is, that’s really hard. And then usually it’s like, are you doing okay? Or how are you? You know, just something to be like.

What are you doing to get by? I mean, even. So the perfect response, other than assuming that it’s hard and a terrible thing to happen, is to not make assumptions. So I had one person.

So I matched with this person who was really handsome and his profile looked really good, except he had pillow pictures. You know about pillow pictures, right? Last time you were here, we talked about dating app profiles. Pillow pictures are when guys take pictures basically in bed.

Yeah, it’s suggestive. Yeah. Or it’s just like, oh look, I’m cute and cozy.

They’re just not very good. Anyway, that was the only thing about his profile that I didn’t really like. But I, so I thought, wow, this is a really, and he also like lived relatively close to me.

And when you are in the Seattle area, usually like people are like a half an hour or further away from you. So I was like, like happy with this match. So when I shared with him about my friend passing away, his response was, if I could take your pain away for one day, I would.

It just felt so like weird for like, I’m like, I, I do not know you. That’s just also in general, a weird statement because also taking your pain away from one day, what, what does that do? Right? And then he would just like, you’re going to get through this. You’re strong and you can do, and I’m like, you don’t know me.

I wish that people could see like the amount of eye rolls I’m doing. That was, it was so weird. And I like screenshot it and sent it to my other, my, my two surviving best friends.

We were a group of four best friends, like texting almost every day. And so now we’re, now we’re a group of three plus a ghost. So I screenshot it and sent it to them and I’m like, this is weird, right? And they were like, yeah.

Yes. So I didn’t quite unmatch him right away, but then like the way that he was talking about himself and his, like what he’s been through, it was obvious that he was not emotionally in a good place, but that was my, but sharing that vulnerability really told me like, this guy is not, not good right now. Yeah.

Um, so, but a lot of people, um, I laughed, so I found that sharing that vulnerability and seeing their response in the chatting phase was actually really helpful. Another vulnerability I share sometimes is that I have a chronic illness and, and so some people will be like, uh, have you tried not eating sugar? You know, like that kind of bullshit, which I, let me be your doctor. Yeah.

Right away. I’m like, nope. Um, or if they’re like, you know, have you tried meditation or something else where I’m just like, nope.

Um, or, you know, or they’ll be like, oh, well, you know, like my mom has MS or something. So they, I like tells me that they know and understand what a chronic illness is really like. Um, and, or they just ask, um, oh, like how do you manage it? Or what are your limitations? And they can just, they can talk about it in a way that is mature and comfortable and they’re not like totally weirded out by it.

Um, so I think sharing a little vulnerability upfront and getting their response gives you so much information about, are they going to try to fix you? Are they going to try to direct you? Are they going to, are they going to receive and hold space for you or are they going to unmatch you right away? Which go ahead. Oh, I also like share, you know, you usually share hobbies in the opening chat and I do community theater. One time I, um, I just like said, oh, I do community theater and like a guy immediately unmatched me.

It was so funny. I was like, wow. Okay.

Well, that was a deal breaker for him. And good. Good.

I mean, going back to the question, like, I wouldn’t say I have any, like I always ask these questions. I do try and ask a little bit, I try and avoid the obvious ones and I don’t know how I, you mean like what do you do for work or, or like, I don’t know what, I mean, it’s like, I mean, a common one is like doing anything fun this summer and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of those questions, but I’m like, we can ask that in person or like that, that doesn’t help me get to know you. So I’m trying to like do questions to get to know a person.

I, I think that people ask like, what are your hobbies? And they think, oh, like it has to be some activity that you do. Or like, and so I’ve actually started asking this question that I actually, I love it. So it’s, are you excited for this? I’m like, I want to borrow this, whatever it is.

This is a really good one, I think. I ask, is there any kind of topic that you are just really into where you want to watch all the documentaries about, listen to all the podcasts about, read all the books about? Because that tells you like what kind of things pique their interest. So that can give you a little bit of personality traits that can tell you, are they somebody who likes to learn? And can get passionate.

Yeah. Yeah. So I, you know, and for me, I’m super interested in religion, belief systems, cults, fraud and scam.

And so sometimes that weirds people out, but I am like super interested. Like I watch every documentary on a cult or scam, um, or like, um, people who commit fraud. Like I’m, there’s a lot of overlap.

I thought you were going to say, is there any topic that you won’t talk about? Oh. Which I was, I like your question, but it made me think of that question. I was like, oh, that would be interesting to ask.

Like, is there any topic that you would avoid in a public setting? I don’t know. I think it could be interesting. Yeah.

I mean, there’s lots of topics I would avoid in a public setting, I think. Yeah. But it would be interesting to see what topics, like, I mean, there’s some that it’s like, of course.

And there’s some that could be kind of telling of like, oh, why wouldn’t you talk about that? Anyway, that was an aside. I also like to ask what were your favorite TV shows growing up, especially what were your favorite comedic TV shows? Because I feel like, um, a lot of that shapes our sense of humor. And so like, I know I’m going to totally vibe with the Simpsons, millennial people, right? As soon as you said that.

So I want to hear someone say the Simpsons and I will tell you what sold me on the person that I’m currently dating. Tell me. In the chatting phase, he told me a story about somebody that had that, like, I’m trying to get him to come on here and tell this story, but a woman that he was on a date with, like, whipped out a knife and started like playing with it on the table.

Like, can you tell me a little bit about this knife? No. Okay. Because I’ll probably tell it wrong.

Okay. Fair, fair, fair. It wasn’t like a pocket knife.

It was like a defense. That’s what I wanted to know. Okay.

Like a knife knife, like a knife for self-defense type of knife. And so I responded with a Simpsons quote, I see you’ve played knifey spoony before, which is from the episode where they go to Australia. So really the quote is, I see you’ve played knifey spoony before.

I just really wanted to do my Australian accent on the podcast. Thank you. I work on it a lot.

And I was like, oh, I really hope he knows what I was quoting. And I sent another message like, do you get my reference? And he responded, I didgeridoo. And I was like, sold.

Sold. I want to clap, but I don’t know what that was to the microphone. That was like perfect.

That was when I was like, I want to meet this guy. And then later, like, I don’t remember what, we were chatting some more and then I responded, you had me at I didgeridoo. Which is also the you had me at hello, great double reference and perfect.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. And yeah, and we, we’ve been together for six months now, which is the longest, besides my last, my last partner that I was with for almost eight years, I actually met him on a dating app in 2016. Okay.

In this last two years of dating, the longest I’ve dated someone is this six months mark. The chatting phase, to me, I want to see just like we, just like in dating profiles, I want to get a sense for your personality. I do have a list of questions that are kind of like the, what, you know, eighties or nineties, what TV shows raised you basically.

But it’s, it’s kind of like, like an example of one of them. And this I wouldn’t do in the beginning, but it’s more like a, once you have some established stuff and then trying to find personality, it’s like, if you could, um, ride any real animal into war, that’s the size of an elephant, it could be an animal or an insect, and it has to be a real one, but it’s the elephant sized, what animal or insect would you choose? And it’s just an interesting question. And it’s not even, I don’t even really care about their answer.

It’s like, and tell me why, because then you get to see like, what’s the thought they put in if they’re just like a lion. And it’s your animal that you trained yourself. Sure.

Like, so it’s not going to hurt you. No, it’s not going to hurt you. You’re safe.

Scorpion. Whatever it is. See? And why? But I mean, we don’t have to.

Because it’s a weapon in itself. And if it’s trained to protect me, like I’m set. And it has an exoskeleton, like it’s going to be pretty.

So anyway, like somebody who gets into the question, I don’t even care what their answer is, unless it’s dumb, I guess I do care what their answer is. But you know, it’s a fun question, and you can gauge how playful. But don’t ask that as your first question.

No. I would hate, if I got a question like that as an intro, like before the, like say hi, how are you first, before you like give me these weird hypotheticals. I think it’s more like you have something established, and you’re maybe trying to keep the conversation going a little bit and getting a little more of their personality, then it’s a fun like in between.

And so I have actually a list of a whole bunch of those questions that I’ll sometimes pull from. And when we were talking about like dropping specific pieces of information or specific questions or things to like, to gauge their, I don’t know, their character, I would say. Character by how they respond.

Another thing I do is drop little boundaries to see if they respect boundaries. And so one boundary that I set is when they, if they ask for my phone number or like social media or anything like that, before a first date, I do not give it. I do not give it out to somebody I have not met in person.

And I have had some men immediately unmatch me when I say I do not give, oh, also another thing is I do not go on a date with somebody without a last name. Oh, that’s, yeah. For safety reasons.

And if they, if they, I’ve had one person one time was like, oh, okay, but let’s not share any more personal information until we meet in person. And I was like, I understand. That was his response, which is a nice response, right? Because he’s also thinking safety.

And I said, I always, I always ask for a last name before a first date for safety reasons. And they’re like, okay. And then they told me, you know, like, and then, but one time when I asked somebody for their last name, and actually I also don’t like putting, I don’t like putting phone numbers in my phone without a last name.

And so sometimes it’s a little combo thing, like with, if they want to switch to texting and maybe I kind of do too, I’ll say, okay, but I don’t put anyone in my phone without a last name. So will you share your last name? And then immediate unmatch. And that tells me they never intended on meeting or they don’t want to find me to find out who they are.

Yeah. Yeah. So if they don’t, if they don’t tell me their last name, I will not go out on a date with them.

And I will, and now, now I don’t get my phone number. So I’ve had, I had one person flip out at me for not wanting to give them my phone number. It feels kind of similar, like when, when people will ask right away, like, you know, you match and then they’re like, Hey, do you want to grab a drink? And, and they’ll, if they say something like, I don’t like to, you know, I want to check vibes in person, then I will say, that sounds great.

I love doing that too. I need to keep talking with someone for a few days to see like if we’re, if enough stuff is aligned, but otherwise I’m not like, I don’t want to be a pen pal either. Yeah, exactly.

But it also kind of like weeds people out because sometimes they’re like, if they don’t want to talk for a few days, that tells me they just wanted to hook up and there’s no intention of it going. And that’s fine if they want to do that, but they need to be clear about that intention. Yeah.

Do you have any immediate turnoffs in the chatting phase? Yes. Yes. Um, I have so many screenshots, in fact, I should have counted them, but there’s like, if the first thing that somebody says to me has anything to do with my appearance in any way, I mean, I guess not in any way.

If they say you have a nice smile, that’s maybe okay. But if it’s like, Hey, beautiful, Hey, gorgeous, Hey, sexy, like it’s a no for me. And I know that it can be coming from a like a complimentary place, but I’m like, I put work into my profile.

There’s so many other things that I wrote that are, have nothing to do with my appearance. And it just feels like you’re trying to tell me something that you want to hook me in with. And I don’t know if that’s real, if that’s actually what they’re doing, but that’s how it feels to me.

And so it’s an immediate no. Yeah. And if they immediately use words like sweetie or cutie or honey, yeah, makes me want to, makes me want to barf.

I, if you don’t know me, do not be calling me sweetie. Yeah. And if you do also don’t call me sweetie, I don’t want that.

How do you feel about like grammar and spelling? Okay. I used to, I’m like a stickler on these things. And then I had somebody mentioned to me that it’s classist to be so.

And I was like, absolutely, that is true. And so I think I will not have feelings about it if it’s like a typo, because I do so many typos myself that I don’t catch. And in a lot of dating apps, there’s not an ability to edit, so you can send it and miss that.

But if it’s like, if they’re constantly saying like, like if they wanted to say you, you’re, you are fun and they just do you and then are, and then fun, like that’s, um, it’s just like a bit of an ick for me. And so it’s, and maybe that’s unrealistic, but it is. So I’m just like, no, thank you.

Yeah. Or if you ask a question and they answer it and they respond HBU question mark. Yeah.

I put some effort in buddy. Yeah. I don’t really like that either.

If it’s every once in a while, that’s fine. But I think that when you are looking for somebody and just like, or just reviewing somebody’s writing or seeing people’s messages when it’s not someone to date and you’re judging their, you know, maybe grammar and spelling and stuff, um, harshly that in other cases it may be classist. But I think, you know, when we are looking for a partner, you are looking for somebody who probably has a similar education level to you.

You know, I’m not like a total stickler around spelling and grammar, like when there are mistakes here and there, but when it’s an ongoing thing, I’m like that process, that person is likely not a good match for me. And I may not rule them out completely if everything else is lined up, but it’s likely that everything else is not lined up when that’s like, when they’re spelling and grammar is not very good. Yeah.

And, and I think of it as like, I will hold it as another piece of information. It’s probably not going to be a deciding factor for me, but if it’s added on to other things, then it’s going to like, it could tip the scale in a negative direction, but it’s not going to be the only thing. It is something I noticed right away.

Yeah. And there’s, I have to check my impulse to be like, ew, and not do that. Yeah.

It’s okay. Let’s just see. What other kinds of immediate turnoffs do you have in the, oh, they, if they bring up sex in the chatting phase, I like, yeah, it’s fine to find a different app.

I mean, like, okay, I’m thinking Hinge, Bumble, Tinder is a little bit interesting because And also, look at what their dating goals are. Like you can put like short term or hookups or whatever, like you can put what you’re interested in. So if it says like, I’m looking for something long term and then they say sex right away, I’m like, it’s okay to know that you need sexual chemistry in your relationship, but it shouldn’t be the first thing that’s named because there’s other compatibility factors.

Every single, aside from one experience, one person, every single connection that I’ve had where I did not run the other direction when they brought up sex during the chat phase, chatting phase was, turned out bad. And I learned my lesson like early on, I was, I did not use that as an, like, I just kind of, I didn’t really know how, how inappropriate that was in, in the dating apps that I was on. A man of good character and good intentions can read the room.

Yeah. Yeah. And if they want it to be like part of the first conversation, cause that’s the dynamic they’re looking for, then go to the correct apps for that.

Right. I have noticed that men who bring up, that have men who have brought up kind of like sex things or like, like make little, like if I’m like, okay, well I gotta go take a shower. And then they message like, oh, I’d join you if I was there or something like that.

Like if they make little jokes like that, then they usually, I, they usually end up ghosting me, not ghosting me in person because I never, like they just end up on math. Like they’re done with the connection of the high and I didn’t match their, maybe I didn’t match their energy or, or when they’re like, I’ve had guys say like, oh, I need a woman with a really high sex drive. And uh, and then like, as you get to know them more, that’s not really what they want.

What they want is a woman who’s going to do whatever, like when they, they just want a woman who is going to be there for them no matter what, and like be there for them sexually. And it’s, it’s so gross. So any, any, that’s not appropriate during the chatting phase on, on that, any app that isn’t one of the like fetish apps or kink apps, like, yeah.

So it’s an automatic turnoff for me, but I, I did not dismiss it right away when I, in the early stages of my return to the dating apps in 2024. So I have some, some stories about men being terrible and when they showed the signs, I didn’t see them. Yeah.

And I think like, even just the name, like dating apps, like dating, you want to go on dates with people, you don’t, there’s also apps that are referred to more as hookup apps. So it’s like, right. Yeah.

I think to me, the ultimate green flag is if, if the conversation can keep flowing. Yeah. Like you don’t have to think of what to say.

It just happens. And it’s okay. If it gets a little slow here and there, like I was talking about the, my boyfriend now, when we first matched and we exchanged a few, a few back and forths, I think that I kind of dropped the ball.

Cause I, it was all, again, it was like in October after I had just gotten back on the apps and I was just still really recently reeling from the, the death of my friend. And we could have easily just fizzled out and stopped talking. But he mentioned that it was before he mentioned the whole knife date.

He mentioned that, you know, he hadn’t really gone on many dates because the last couple dates had been a doozy, had been doozies. And then I didn’t really follow up with that. And a few days, a few days later, I was kind of like looking at my dating app and I was like, Oh, I kind of dropped the ball on this guy.

And so I was like, Hey, what happened? What made them doozies? Tell me about it. And then that’s what got us going again. And when I made that Simpsons reference that he caught, and then after that we were just like, yeah, it was like perfect after that.

Just chatting and chatting. And then I, when I said, I think we should meet, he was like, I think we should meet too. And it was a nice connection.

Yeah. Well, and I have to remind myself sometimes, like, I think there can be an expectation or I’ve, I’ve experienced men that want like a good morning text, a good night text and like texting all throughout the day. And I can understand that when I’m dating someone like further in, but in the beginning, it’s like we have to match our energy that we put towards these dating with the actual connection that we have with a person.

If I’m messaging with you, I don’t know you like in the beginning, I don’t know you. So I don’t owe you that much of my time. And, and then I like, also, this is a podcast about people in their like thirties and forties, and we tend to have like more established lives.

And so sometimes a day can go by and it doesn’t have to mean anything. And I have a like, if somebody’s like mad that it took a few hours to respond or something. Oh, I had, um, I had a guy that I chatted with.

Again, this was last October after my friend had passed away. And I, he seemed like a really good, solid, sweet guy. He had a really strong friend group.

And I asked him, you know, what would you do if one of those friends died? And he was like, oh, wow, I haven’t, I haven’t thought about that. And then he like gave a really good response. And I was like, cause that happened to me, you know, and he was, he gave a great response, everything.

So everything about him told me he was very emotionally intelligent, smart guy. I did not think he was like, I was kind of on the fence about his like, whether I’d be physically attracted to him in person. But one thing he kept doing was like being the overly aware of the woman’s struggle in like, um, constantly apologizing, worried that he came off as like, um, not seeing, you know, just like, um, like overly apologizing.

Like, oh. And like, if I would respond, um, like, okay. After he said something, because I’m like cooking dinner or something.

And yeah, he would be, he would like send a big, long, like apology for what he said. When I’m like, like he was overly apologizing for so much and always like constantly thinking he was like trying, it was like, he was constantly trying to, um, be woke. Yeah.

Yeah. I haven’t really run across that. Um, I do usually get the exact opposite.

So, but I think that would be a turnoff to me too. It was almost like it made me have to give him more attention. It was more like the, it was like reverse the attention and the, like making sure his feelings were centered over.

It would force you to have to reassure him. Yeah. And it was exhausting.

And when I was like, I just can’t, I need to just not, I’m going to unmatch you. I don’t want to, um, I remember he was just like, like trying to talk me into, to not to like maybe meeting. And I was like, I, I’m, I really, I really don’t want to.

And, and he, I mean, I don’t know who this guy is at all, but like, you don’t want to have to be with someone that you have to talk into dating you. You want somebody who’s just excited to do that. So don’t, don’t waste, sir, whoever you are out there, don’t waste your energy doing that.

I also matched with somebody once who lived about like 45 minutes away. And I was at this point kind of drained on people that lived far away, but he was also just like, he was so overly eager because he was just like, well, first of all, based on his profile, I a hundred percent clocked him as an ex-Mormon because I know, I know an ex-Mo when I see it, I have a lot, I love, I love ex-Mormons. So, so many things just, and he was like, how did you know? I’m like, oh, I just got it from your profile.

And he’s like, like what? And so I remember I explained it and then we just like, we’re chatting. And he was just like, you are so intelligent. You are so amazing.

Like I, I have struggled to meet anyone in my small town that I can connect with and that I can have, you know, a deep into an intellectual conversation with. And he’s like, I would do all the driving. Cause I, my, my excuse was like, I don’t want, that was my way of letting him down gently.

Yeah. I was like trying to give a thing. And then he’s like, I’ll do all the driving.

And so I don’t remember what app that was on, maybe Hinge or Bumble. But then I tried Match. I downloaded Match.

And then I, he saw me on there and like sent me a message and I just didn’t respond. I’m like, I haven’t done Match. I found Match to be really intense.

Like the people are just a little too forward and serious. Like this is where you meet your person. And so like, instead of just like a, hi, how are you? You would get like a proposition, not, not like a sexual proposition, but like, like this is what I’m looking for.

I would like to get to know you. Here’s some things about me. Would you like to get to know me? Like very, like formal.

It was like formal. Very driven towards their end goal. Yeah.

And I just did not, I was not, I didn’t like it. I paid for a month of it. And then I, and that was 29 days too long.

Yeah. Is there anything else about the chatting phase that strikes you to share? I think reflectively trusting your instincts. I, I often will like second guess and be like, no, I don’t want to, because I’ve been dating for a long time.

I’m like, I don’t want to weed out somebody because of something that I’m misunderstanding. Or like, I want to give people a chance and maybe get to meet them. But the reality is most of the time or every time my instinct has been correct.

And so like, why second guess that? So if there’s something in the chat, you can ask a clarifying question and say like, oh, from that, I took you to me or took it to mean this, is that, did I get that right or whatever? Um, but I think in general, what you know, trust it. I wholeheartedly agree with that. When people ask me the number one thing I would advice, piece of advice I would give is to trust your instincts, trust your gut.

Never have I ever regretted. Saying no. Trusting my gut and listening to my gut.

But there have been many times where I’ve regretted not listening to it. Yeah, that’s a good, yeah. And like, so again, I’m, this is this episode.

I’m going talking about my current boyfriend, but he didn’t have the best profile. Nothing he put in there was bad. There were no red flags.

It just was a pretty low effort. Like he filled it out all the way, but the pictures were a bit lazy and old. And so I just right away when I matched with him, I was like, why do your pictures look like they’re from 2013? That was the first thing I said to him.

And he was like, good eye. They are. And you’re like, I just never changed them.

And I said, I said, I was like, are you losing your hair? Is there a nice bald head going on? Or no, I said, do you have a, I asked if you have gray hair now. And he said, no, just balding. And I was like, that sounds perfect.

Yeah, because we’re meant to age. I’m like, because I want to date a 40 year old and not a 28 year old. Yeah.

So my gut told me that, you know, give this guy a chance. And a lot of times my gut’s telling me, don’t give this guy a chance. And I think that there’s something important about noticing, like knowing yourself enough to know, okay, what are the things that I tend to, like, what are my own defense mechanisms? So that when you’re, when you think it’s your gut, check in and say, is this my defense mechanism or is this my gut? Or is this my anxiety? Yeah, exactly.

Like, yeah. Yeah. So I have a rule when I’m in the chatting phase.

I don’t have a lot of rules. I don’t really believe in a lot of rules. And so my rule is, if I’m not looking forward, genuinely looking forward to meeting them, if I do not want to meet them, if I’m not looking forward to it, then just be done.

Because it’s respecting your time and theirs. Exactly. Yeah.

I don’t have a lot of rules either. I have ideas. And then I will check in with myself to say, is this an okay place to bend away from what I normally would do? But I have to ask myself that question first instead of, like, missing.

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. My main rule with that is, like, to check in with myself and see how I’m feeling and allow myself to stop something when it doesn’t feel right. Yep.

But I think some people, that rule might not be good for them because maybe they have so much anxiety that about first dates or about meeting someone that they could not decipher whether they were excited or not. Or that they want to stop everything. Yeah.

Because it’s too scary. Exactly. Yeah.

So that’s why you got to know yourself. So that rule works for me, but it might not work for other people. And that person might need to say, like, okay, I know my tendency is to want to say no to everything.

So then they need to double check in the other direction. Right. Each episode, we end with responding to a question from a listener.

And the listener question… Well, first, let me just say, anybody can send in a listener question. It can be a specific question about dating. It can be sharing a situation to get our take on it.

And I will respond to your question or situation with a guest on an episode. So please send them in to askelisapodcast@gmail.com or DM me on any of the Ask Elisa social medias. Social medias.

Social media accounts. Yeah. Socials.

Socials. I like socials. That’s a cool way to say it.

Yeah. Okay. All right.

So the question from the listener for this episode is, have you ever been stood up? How did you handle it? Then on top of that, do you have any recommendations for spotting someone who might stand you up like a red flag that might give you a little inkling? So I have not ever been stood up. And I think it’s because I am pretty selective on who I go on first dates with. Well, aren’t you fancy pants there? No.

Never been stood up before. Well, and yes, I am perfect and I am fancy. No, I’m not.

But I think it’s because I need active participation in communication the day of whatever we’re doing. And I will set plans and say, you know, we’re good for this date, this location. And then I will say, and I’m going to make sure that we check in day of to make sure we’re both still good.

So I kind of give them a heads up that they still need to be. And I’ll even say, sometimes I’ll say like, and I get that it’s okay if our communication kind of lags. I’m happy to keep chatting, but I’m fine also if it slows down a little bit until we meet because we want to talk more in person.

So I just kind of name my process so that if they stop talking to me or if I’m like noticing I’m not really interested, then I have an avenue to say, you know what, as much as we had this plan, but I haven’t heard from you. So I’m not going to show up or I’m just not getting that either of us are interested. So let’s cancel.

So I think that that is the advice is make sure you clearly communicate what it’s going to take for you to be able to keep that plan. Like you, the plan is to hold it open on the calendar and plan to be there. You still need to decide as it comes up if you’re wanting to go.

So I’m going to throw a wrench in that because the one time that I was fully stood up was when I did all of that. So you can’t really control it when that happens. And so that’s like a way to preemptively avoid people that might be prone to that.

And we can never control somebody else’s behavior. And it isn’t about you if they don’t show up. It’s not something you did wrong.

This was super frustrating because I drove 45 minutes and I was like messaging them like, hey, are you stuck in traffic? Because they were coming from the other side of Seattle. And so I’m like, well, it’s around, you know, it’s close to 5 p.m. So I’m like, are you stuck in traffic? And they gave me their phone number too. This was before I had my rule of not sharing my phone number before a first date.

And they weren’t responding. And so I went and looked at the app and they had unmatched me. And I had their last name.

I had verified that they are a real person. I found like several things to make sure. So I always ask for a last name before a first date.

And I let them know like, yeah, I’m gonna like verify that you’re a real person. And you’re welcome to do the same for me. And so, yeah.

And with my current boyfriend, when I asked for their last name, they gave it to me. And then they said, put on some floaties for your deep dive. And I was like, I am.

I’m looking, I’m, you know, like they were perfectly fine with me. Full background check. Yeah.

And some people do that. And I have no problem with that. But the crazy thing about this is, I guess, this is not really related to being stood up.

When I googled him, my current boyfriend, he has a pretty generic name. First and last name. Not, it’s relatively generic.

Somebody in the Seattle area with that same name was in a news article for like running away from the police after like murdering someone. But they were naked. And they like are hiding in a garbage can.

And the middle… Did you send him the link? I just said, please tell me your middle name is not Michael. And then he responded, no, it’s whatever. And then I sent him the article.

And he was like, oh my god, I’m sending this to everyone. It was so, it was really funny. And that’s a perfect response.

Because he did, he could have been a jerk and gotten defensive and be like, oh, that’s not me. But he was like, this is hilarious. Yes.

Perfect response. Perfect. I have had, I do the same thing.

I like always follow up the day of or the day before, the day before and the day of. And for the guy that stood me up, I messaged him the day before and said, hey, we’re still on for tomorrow, right? And he was like, yes, absolutely. Looking forward to it.

And then the next day I was like, all right, I’m going to be leaving. So we’re still planning for 5pm, right? And he said, yes. So it was very calculated.

He really could have just said no. Yeah, no, this, I think this is somebody who absolutely does this to people. Oh, that makes me mad.

Because also, I know you enough to know that you, your pictures are an accurate representation of yourself, you know? So it’s not like you catfished him and he walked in. I was looking around because we were meeting at like a park. It was a kind of small park.

And I was like looking around. And so, and I saw like, you know, like a teenage boy sitting. And I’m like, I wonder if he catfished me.

You know what I mean? I was like, who could it be? Somebody here watching me and thinking like, it was weird. I mean, it was weird. Other than that, like there was one time where a guy didn’t respond to my following up.

And so I didn’t go. I actually messaged him and said, okay, so you didn’t respond. So I’m not going.

Good. And, you know, we had a lot of really good conversation. So if he had said, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, like some stuff happened.

I probably like, can we reschedule? I would have. But then he never responded and he didn’t unmatch me for a while either. Then I had another time.

I was supposed to have a date with someone and they like had to cancel. And then they rescheduled immediately. And then when I went to go like confirm the next day or the day before that date, they had unmatched me completely.

So that was, I feel like that’s kind of like, you know, like getting stood up, but not fully, fully getting stood up. I think that’s where it goes back to like be a decent human and just send a message. It’s okay if you change your mind.

You are allowed to do that. But it also takes roughly two seconds to say, hey, I’m so sorry. I’m not feeling this.

Wish you all the best. Bye. Yeah, like, I mean, 100%.

It is totally fine. But just I feel like, yeah, exactly. Don’t be a dick.

Okay, well, thank you so much for joining us again, Claudia. This was such, I love how I say us when it’s really just me. But I mean, us, everyone here, everyone, the audience, everyone here.

There are several cats around us as we record. And they’re so cute. Oh my gosh, she’s being so cute.

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Thank you for listening to Ask Elisa, the good, the bad, and the ick. I’m your host, Alisa Sparkman. This episode was produced by me and a guy I met on a dating app.

Audio engineering, editing, and music by Jacob Patterson.