Ask Elisa Podcast

TRANSCRIPT OF PODCAST EPISODE

Ask Elisa the Good, the Bad, and the Ick is a podcast about dating in your late 30s, 40s, and older. I’m Elisa, and I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday. And now with two years of dating under my belt, let’s talk about it.

Today my guest is Claudia. Claudia, can you tell us about yourself? Yes, my name’s Claudia. I live outside of Portland, Oregon, yep.

I am a therapist. I’ve been a therapist for a little, right around 10 years. And I, yeah, I live there with my kitties and a roommate who I’ve known since we were 18 and 16, and yeah.

Great. So when it comes to dating, I firmly believe that if you choose to date, it should be part of your life and not your whole life. So before we start talking about dating, let’s take a few minutes to share something about ourselves or our lives that’s exciting, interesting, or that we’re happy about that has nothing to do with romantic relationships, because we are so much more than our love lives.

So why don’t you go first? Okay. During COVID, I picked up a number of hobbies that have stuck with me, and they’re like, maybe hobbies is not the right word, but interests. I got into crystals, but I’m not woo-woo-y like that, I just like pretty rocks.

I mean, I’m kind of woo-woo-y like that, but so crystals, I went through a nail polish phase during COVID, so I have a shit ton of nail polish and rarely ever paint my nails. And I got really into plants, and I have probably over 100 houseplants, maybe nearing 150, although only the strong survive, so that number fluctuates a lot. Okay, back to the crystals.

Yeah. Where do they live, like in your home? Great question. All over the place, windowsills, certain ones can’t have direct sunlight, so they get a little bit further.

I have a couple, I have two shelves that are specifically crystal shelves, but they’re like small floating shelves, it’s not like two big bookcases. And then they’re like, you know, I like tchotchkes, like a table that has a plant and a crystal and a cute little dish with maybe a candle in it. So they’re all over the place.

Okay, that sounds nice. It is. I think so.

I’m getting the vibe of your place. You’re a homeowner too, right? I am a homeowner. That’s exciting.

Yep. Bought it all by myself. Well, that’s not true.

I had a little bit of help, but I’m the one that pays the mortgage by myself. Nice. 2021, bought a house.

So I will share that I love to sing and around, when I was a kid, I would beg my parents for voice lessons and they were just like, oh, you play the piano or you do swimming and softball. So they just like, were not letting me get voice lessons. So around the time that I was in my mid thirties, I was like, I can take voice lessons.

I love singing and I just want to enrich my singing and build my skills. And so I decided to start taking voice lessons. So I’ve been taking voice lessons since 2018.

And there’s been a few times where I’ve performed in recitals, vocal performance recitals with my voice studio and it’s mostly kids and the kids go up and sing like Moana. And then I go up and sing something like Selena and it’s, it’s funny. I love Selena.

Yeah. Thank you. It’s a good choice.

Yeah. It’s just like a bunch of kids and then me, 40 year old woman, singing in Spanish or singing a, oh, one time I sang Uninvited by Alanis Morissette and it was in a church. So it was like super spooky and cool.

And a lot of people were like, that was incredible. But I think it was just like the whole set up. Yeah.

Um, follow up question to that. Okay. How do you feel about karaoke? I love karaoke.

We should karaoke sometime because I always want to karaoke with someone that I can sing harmonies with. Oh, okay. And that would be fun.

Um, we can do that. My problem with karaoke is that it’s always too late and I don’t want to be out late. I want to be home and in bed and karaoke starts at like eight or nine and I’m like, I don’t want to start at eight or nine, maybe eight.

But like when it starts at nine or 10, I’m like, I want to be going home at 10 at the, I mean. Well then we need to find one that starts at like seven. We need to go to the senior center.

I’m in. Okay. All right.

We’re here to talk about dating. Um, I spent, uh, about the past two years dating using the dating apps after my breakup or from a longterm relationship. And that’s kind of my background for my current situation.

What is your dating background? Oh my. Okay. So without going into a million miles of detail, I would say that I grew up in the church and then stop.

The church. The church. Depending on where you live.

The church. You’re right. Correct.

Correct. Um, I just, an evangelical church. Um, I grew up in a Methodist church, but then in middle school, high school, college.

Yeah, we went to high school together. You were churchy for sure. I know.

Um, anyway, hopefully not in a terribly judgmental way, but we’ll move on. Um, so, and then I worked in what we would call ministry, camping ministry. And during that, I was like basically married to my job and it was like a, you know, you have to date to marry kind of thing.

And there wasn’t anybody around me that I would want to marry. You were married to Jesus. I was, I was, I was married to my job, but yeah, maybe a little of that.

Anyway, that has since shifted significantly. Um, I stopped working on that job in 2016 and that’s when I started doing some online dating. I did a little bit while I was there, but it was hard cause it was in Yelm, Washington.

And it’s a little bit, not the vibe of the people I was looking for, um, or limited options, I should say. Maybe that’s a nicer way of saying that. Um, so then in moving towards Portland, well, I did a little bit of time in Seattle and then in Portland.

And so on and off the dating apps, what typically happens is I get on the app, um, get really frustrated and get off the app and do that and stops and starts. Currently I’m dating somebody that I have been dating for a little over four months. So you’ve had a lot of experience dating using the dating apps.

And today we’re talking about dating profiles. My first question for you is, do you have a process when you have a profile in front of you for how you scan it initially? Yes. I would say I’m not, I don’t consider myself a shallow person, but if I can tell that there’s an like from the images, I do start with images because I want to see if they have like good hygiene.

I don’t know why that’s funny, but like, I want to know that they have teeth or, um, you know, it’s, you do get a sense of someone. And I try and be very mindful to not have it be just a looks thing because I don’t think that’s, I think that’s so limiting if we focus only on looks. So I am looking for like, do they, or is every picture, you know, a bathroom selfie that doesn’t do it for me.

Like I want to know that you go out and do things in the world. I want to know that maybe you have a friend. I won’t swipe no on someone if they’re only solo pictures, but I do like to see that somebody has like a friend in their life or they get out of the house or things like that.

So there’s some stuff around images. But then I do look at like, depending on the app, you get different information, right? Like sometimes it’ll tell you if they smoke cigarettes or what their political values are or things like that. So I have my own criteria around immediate no’s on some of those things.

And so, and I’m not very flexible on those parts of things. I look to see if they put some effort into writing something. If it’s just like they fill out the things that they have to fill out for their profile to be valid.

If that’s all they’re doing, I’m going to say that’s not enough because if that’s the type of effort you’re going to put into like trying to date, how does that translate to like when you’re with me in person and it’s just not enough situation for me? Yeah, my process is pretty similar. If a photo catches my eye and for me, it’s like they’re generally nice looking. Like they look like a nice person.

They don’t have to be like, oh my goodness, what a hot guy. They can just, they just need to look like a nice looking person that I would be like, oh, that’s a nice looking person. And if they have all the other stuff that I’m looking for, then that I would be happy to be with them and would probably be attracted to them.

Like a person who’s like a nice human as opposed to a nice looking human or do they need to look a little bit nice? I mean, they need to look nice enough. You know what I mean? Like they don’t need to be like somebody that I think, oh my gosh, I’m physically, I can tell that I’m physically attracted to this person right away. I need to, if they’re a nice looking bat, I know I could be physically attracted to them because I’m somebody who is more attracted to personality.

If they have like a baseline of like a nice looking enough for like to me, then if they have a great personality, I will become attracted to them if I like their personality. So if the picture catches my eye, then I check for those kind of deal breaker things like you were saying. So I always check to see that they don’t smoke.

Correct. That was my answer as well. Yeah.

And that they are for me, non-religious or like atheist or agnostic, that kind of thing because that’s what I am. And I totally like fine with people having religion, but the person that I date or you know, like date to be with, to build a life with, I want them to be, match that value and then political value as well, the politically liberal. Yep.

Yeah. And I will say for me on the religious front, same. I’m a little bit more accepting, like I think my profile might say like spiritual or something like that.

There’s some flexibility, but yeah, I won’t, if it’s like religious or I don’t even with politics, I don’t even accept moderate because I think I, in my opinion, from what I’ve found moderate is the like more socially acceptable way to say conservative on a dating app. So definitely, yeah, take that. Or if they say not political, that’s almost worse than moderate to me.

Or if they leave it, even if they leave it blank, I have matched with people before where they leave it blank and so I have to ask them about it. And then they always kind of have some kind of way of not, not saying what they need to say and or they’ll, or they’ll be like, I’m just like so liberal, like, and I’m like, no, you’re not. Like I just, when people, when people can’t just say, like, can’t just say their stance enough to like express it well, then I’m like, no.

Yeah. Cause it feels to me, if you don’t put something, then you’re hiding something. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and the evidence has proven that that is such, or like, you’ll get the response of like, well, it just doesn’t, I don’t want to, it doesn’t matter or something.

I just don’t like the two party system. Like I don’t think, you know, they’ll just be like, well, I don’t like any politicians. Like when people, when people say it like that, it’s usually conservative.

Yeah. They’re usually conservative. Yeah.

I look at those baseline things and then I look to see if their personality shows through in their dating profile. I like to see some personality in the dating profile. I don’t really care if they have pictures with other people or not.

I, I, I really do not like it if they have, if they don’t have any photos of them smiling or looking, you know, maybe it’s not like a full on smile, but like looking at the camera in a like naturally calm, comfortable, pleasant way. Maybe it’s not like a full on smile, but there’s something, you know, like. Like neutral to positive as opposed to like, I’m looking angry in a mirror selfie or in my car.

Yeah. Car selfies. Or when they have like a, when they’re making like kind of like goofy faces, not like goofy, like silly faces, like funny faces, but they’re like kind of like making kind of like a, uh, like a gee whiz, I don’t know, face.

Or like the, whatever the male equivalent of the female duck face is. Yeah. Yeah.

So how do you feel about fish photos? Important question. Very important question. They are not for me.

I think the main thing that, the main reason for that is that I think that there is a strong correlation between people who have fish photos and more conservative political views. And so it is a tell. Um, if, I guess if everything else was very good, that was very intriguing to me, then maybe I would overlook a fish photo and say, we’ll see.

But I would be hesitant because of a fish photo. Usually it’s a swipe no for me. Yeah.

I’m not a fan of fish photos. I have seen some joke fish photos where like a guy’s holding up a tiny fish and it’s like, that’s hilarious. It’s like meant to be funny.

Yeah. That’s great. Like making fun of the fish photo thing.

I do see it so much and it’s like what, what I’ve heard is it’s like to show that you can provide. Oh. Ew.

Then I like it even less now. Yeah. It’s like, look at me.

I can, I can find you dinner. If there was a man holding a plate of food or him at the stove, that does it more for me. Absolutely.

Like you think he’s going to cook that fish for you too? Yeah. Probably not. That should be the new fish photo is like a plate of food.

Yeah. Yeah. I have seen people show like hold a plate of food or photos of them, like with a tray of things that they’ve made, food that they’ve made.

And I like that. I think that’s a good, a good look. Absolutely.

What are some other like cliches or unoriginal things that you see on dating profiles that make you go, Ooh, I don’t know if this is cliche or unoriginal, like it feels like there’s often pictures of guys like in their car. I don’t like that. Oh, uh, one of the things for me is any photo taken like with their car or like any type of mode of transportation that they’re like in a way that they’re like showing it off.

Yeah. It’s like an automatic no for me. Yep.

Yeah. Cause I’m, yeah, I would agree with that. I kind of like seeing a photo of them with like a niece or nephew, especially if it’s like not my kid, you know, there’s like a, or a clarifier saying it’s not their kid.

I mean, if it is their kid, then by all means, but I also really appreciate when they cover the kid’s face. Yeah. Cause that shows that they think about things like consent and a kid’s anonymity on the internet and things like that, which I think is important.

Um, what else? I mean, there’s some things that I could comment on, like once there’s a message, but I don’t know if we want to go there just yet. Not this. We’ll do another episode about the chatting phase, but for now, just like this first step of looking at the profile, what are like cliche responses to some of the prompts? Like the one thing is like, I’ll fall for you if you trip me.

Do you see that all the time? Yeah. Or something that’s like things of that equivalent that are like not really, they’re not anything. It’s a non answer answer.

Like what we can do together. We can delete this app. Yeah.

No, I don’t like that. I mean, because it’s, I want their answers to be something that tells me the unique things about them and that’s not, that’s like, and I get it that men probably are not seeing other men’s answers as much as we are. So maybe they think they’re being original, but they are not.

Yeah. I think going back to your previous question, another thing that popped into my mind was like if a person wears a hat in every photo and then they end up, they’re bald. I don’t mind a bald man.

I’m like, oh no, that’s beautiful. But don’t pretend like, don’t hide it. Because to me that either shows that you’re trying to trick me or that you don’t feel confident in it.

And I get that it’s like there’s a status or there might be some feelings about not having hair, but I’m like, just be yourself. Show yourself as you are. I, as somebody who is like almost exclusively dated bald men, um, a lot just always wear hats and so their photos are just going to have hats on.

Bald or balding men. I have actually gone out with some men who have hair and I don’t have a preference, so I don’t really care what, um, whether they are. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I picked that up from one of my best friends is bald and he dates and does online and he very specifically will have his first picture without a hat to just say, you know, like I have nothing to hide. And then he, cause he mostly wears hats for warmth and things, um, but I, that’s a helpful perspective of like, oh yeah, sometimes it’s just cause that’s what they wear, but it feels, sometimes it can feel like they’re trying to hide something and I’m like, there is absolutely nothing to hide.

Yeah. I like, I like. Yeah.

Me too. I do too. Bald, balding men.

I mean, we’re at that age where so many men and it’s fine. And I, I really actually hate how much society shames balding for men. It, I mean, there’s so much we can shame men about.

Let’s not pick on their appearance. Yeah. I think it’s just silly.

I mean, men are terrible enough as it is. We don’t need to pick on something that they can’t control. They, they.

Exactly. Exactly. I mean, let’s, let’s, you know, let’s hold them to higher standards about things like consent.

Exactly. When people are like, whatever, he’s balding. I’m like, yes.

Like so, so many men are balding and I don’t think that, I don’t like that they get shamed for it. Agreed. Balding is beautiful.

It’s a beautiful process. And it’s just like, it’s just not a thing that even matters, but that’s why I’m like, well, don’t hide it. But it’s helpful to hear of the idea of like, maybe it’s not hiding.

It’s just like. It’s just what they got. That’s what their pictures are.

Yeah. I will forever defend bald men. Great.

I will join that party. Yes. I really am not attracted to long hair.

So if I, I mean. You’re not going to date me? No. Good.

On men. I, if I see like a guy with really long hair, um, one time I did match with a guy that had longer, long hair, but his hair was like brown and curly and like, like look like my hair and I matched with him and I was like, I don’t think I could date someone with better hair than me. Yeah.

That was how I messaged him. But I was, I mean, sometimes like if it’s a little short and sometimes it works, but most of the time I’m just, I’d rather date a bald man than a man with long hair. I don’t have a preference in that way, but I’ve dated the spectrum.

I like sharing like guys with long hair, they can, they will have hair ties for me sometimes. Oh, that’s like a nice little benefit. Um, so what about, um, green flags do you look for? Ooh.

Um, I, I think there’s, if there’s something that says like an awareness of what it’s like to be a woman. Like, I know there’s not like a felt experience of that, but like, um, you know, if they say something like in one of their prompts, um, like we’ll meet in public or like something that acknowledges that it’s, there is some vulnerability and risk for a woman to go meet a man they’ve never met, um, that feels like a green flag. It’s not something that if it’s not there, I’m not gonna, um, say yes to a date or something, but that’s something that I’m like, Ooh, um, I think you mentioned something else that feels like a green flag to me is when you can get a sense of their personality and it’s not just like a list of answering prompts, but it’s like playful.

I really like seeing playfulness cause I’m pretty playful. And it’s so, if that’s not there, I’m kind of like, you sound boring. Um, yeah, I, I’m like sitting here trying to think of specific green flags and I think, um, green flags include maybe a variety of photos and photos with them like smiling.

I really, I really can’t stand when there’s not a photo of someone like smiling or in like a, a kind of comfortable, playful, um, but it all depends on like the collection of photos too. Like I really can’t think of a lot of specific green flags, which, you know, is not very instructive for, for men who may be listening to this to try to figure out how to improve their profiles, but really just showing comfort in themselves and showing that they have personality. Yeah.

I didn’t, I mean, there’s also thinking about green flags in general versus what I, we actually see on the apps, you know, like maybe another green flag would be like acknowledging oppressive systems, which I feel like it’s pretty intense for a dating app, but like, I mean in Portland, a lot of people, it’s like very common actually at the end of a profile to say something like fuck Trump or fuck ICE or free Palestine or, we see that here, you know, in the Seattle area too. Yeah. Yeah.

I do. I, I like that. Or like if, like if you support Trump, do not match with me.

And I, yeah, I do want to see that they have a clear stance. Yeah. That’s a green, that is a green flag for me.

I’m like, okay, I don’t need that to be said because for some people it can be a whole personality and I don’t need that, but I’m like, okay, when I see it. With red flags, that’s a lot of times there are like when it’s a directive, like you should want this than that, you should be this and you should be that, like that kind of stuff. Oh my gosh.

Automatic. No. So that is a huge red flag.

If they’re like telling you how you should be right off the bat. If they say no drama, that’s usually like, I don’t want to deal with any, I don’t want to deal with your, your feelings. Emotions.

Yeah. Yeah. I see it as like, oh, they fight.

When I see no drama, I’m like, oh, you just want somebody to be compliant. Oh, if they mentioned anything sexual in a profile, oh, that is so, that’s so gross. I know like Tinder has that vibe of being more of a hookup site, but even then I’m like, we are people first before we are intimate people.

So same, like I don’t want, the other thing in this, I don’t know if you experienced this, but I live in a larger body and so I will notice when it says things like active lifestyle or I’m fit and you should be the same. And it’s okay to me. It’s okay for people to have preferences, but if you’re saying, cause I’m active, like I can hike, I can do the things I’m not, I don’t fish, but I can, you know, I’m not inactive just cause my body is bigger.

So I’m like, do you, are you meaning to say I want to date someone thin or don’t say that you want activity? Yeah. Or they say they want someone who takes care of themselves. Oh God.

I hate that too. Oh, I, I had a photo of myself when I first set up my dating app and in 2024 I took, I had someone take a picture of me and I was in like yoga pants and a t-shirt and I was just kind of like moving around to get some full body photos because you know, you shouldn’t, you should always include a full body photo. And so the picture is me kind of like in motion outside.

And a guy, when I was chatting with him, he was like, you look really, you look athletic. And I was like, why do you say that? You know, like 99% of women wear leggings and t-shirts. It was like your photo, that photo, you look athletic.

And I was like, oh, I’m not athletic. I’m a theater kid. And I just, it just like bothered me that, that the, because I was thin, that means I’m athletic.

Yeah. Because there are people who are thin and not healthy at all. Lots of them.

And people who are not thin who are quite healthy. Doing a lot of movement. Yeah.

Yeah. So it just like when they, when there are those signals about, well that, that virtue signaling of like, oh, I want someone who takes care of themselves. Boo.

That I hate it. Yeah. When they’re like, I take care of my body and you should too.

Oh, barf. Any kind of thing like that. Like those actually are kind of unspoken, obvious things.

And that’s like, yeah, of course we all should take care of our bodies, but that doesn’t look like being, that doesn’t have a specific visual appearance. And so to me, I’m like, see if you like a person’s personality and then you can, or their lifestyle. And you’re looking at their photos, so you can, you know, you can decide.

You don’t have to, you don’t, you know, you don’t have to say, I’m looking for somebody who looks like this because just look, right? Like absolutely. Back to the thing about mentioning sexual stuff. There was one time where I, for some reason I missed on his profile.

He put kink positive and I was chatting with him and he seemed really great. And then finally he’s like, so like, you know, you’re, what do you, I don’t know. He brought up the kink and like sex stuff.

And I was just like, oh, I’m not really comfortable talking about that so early on. And then he was like, but you matched with me. And I was like, what? And I went and looked at his profile.

I was like, oh, sorry. I guess I just missed that. Good luck.

I wish you the best. And he was like, thanks, you too. And it was perfectly nice interaction.

But when they put, cause when they put kink positive, like if that’s what you’re looking for, fine. But when they put like, sometimes when they put sex positive, again, when they put sex positive, I’m like, you don’t, a lot of, they don’t really know what that means. If you want like sex positive or kink positive, like I don’t even think Tinder is the app for you.

Go to field. You need to go to field. Yeah.

Or. Fet life. Fet life.

Yeah. I only know that from podcasts, like podcasts about cheating men. My clients have taught me a lot about these apps, like because they’ll mention them and I’m like, okay, what’s that? Because I don’t know and I want to be informed.

So, um, okay. I have my last question on this topic. What is the worst? What are like maybe, maybe up to three if they’re quick, worst things you’ve seen on profiles? Oh, um.

Oh, I should have thought this. Okay. I’ll go first because I have mine ready.

Okay. One of the worst things I’ve seen. A guy had a selfie of himself in the hospital with an open head wound and blood like dripping down his face and neck.

I’m not even like, like this, it was a real, real injury. He’s looking at the camera all sad and injured and it was extremely disgusting. I’m appalled.

It was crazy. And so I, like, I right away, I just like, I think I swiped left first, the first time I saw it like right away, cause I was like, Oh, and like, just didn’t want to, yeah. And then I, I saw him again and I actually, it was, I think it was on hinge where you can send a message with your request to match.

And I actually, so I commented, penned a message with that on that photo and said, dude, this is really inappropriate for your, for your dating profile. Like nobody signed on to see this. It can be very triggering for people to see blood and injuries.

Please change this photo. And that, and I mean, he didn’t match back or anything, of course, obviously I didn’t want to match with him. I was just trying to, to help that dude out because I actually, like it was the last photo on his profile.

And so like, I got down to the bottom of his profile and then that was like, Oh, so sometimes the photos they choose, it’s like, wow, you don’t have good judgment. You do not have good judgment. So that is one of the worst things I’ve seen on a dating profile.

And then the other really bad thing I’ve seen is you’re like bracing yourself, bracing yourself. Okay. Was a guy, uh, well, first of all, his photo was himself like peeking out from behind a tree, like from in the woods.

And it was really creepy. And his, one of the prompts was like something you should know about me or what, I don’t know what it was, but it was like, children should never be able to be charged with murdering their parents or something like that. It was nuts.

It was like, I was like, this dude either killed his parents or wants to kill his parents. And it is, it is very, very scary. And then in the little details of like where you went to school and like that kind of stuff, it said like studied at, and then it said, kill you.

Okay. That, those things I’m like, do we, I would just like, I should have reported him. I don’t know.

Like I just screenshotted it. So I like, I have it screenshotted. I wish I had.

Okay. So as you were talking, one came to mind and I put this in my, um, Instagram story like probably a year ago and I need to find it again, but it was just a dude holding like a semi-automatic rifle-y weapon-y thing. And I’m like, what? Especially cause because I’m in the Portland area, that is not a very, that’s not a thing that people want to see.

And maybe that’s his way of trying to weed people out. But I’m like, basically you’re just advertising that you don’t mind murdering people because it’s not like a family heirloom pistol or rifle or something. It’s a weapon meant to kill many people and kill them quickly.

Like, no. I mean, for me, any kind of photo with a gun would be an automatic no. I have gotten my fair share.

Yeah. Me too. I have seen my fair share of like men dressed up as clowns.

Like clown makeup? Oh. I was re-going through some screenshots. That seems very Portland.

I don’t know what it is. One of them was actually from like when the beginning of time with Tinder. This was in Seattle probably in like 2016, maybe even actually before then cause it was when I was in my master’s program.

So probably 2014. It’s rough. Actually, I think that guy might be in a Darth Vader mask.

But again, why? Why? Who knows? Yeah. I’ve seen some pretty scary stuff. But I think it’s also, this is a good time to mention to all of these men out there who are putting a ridiculous thing, we do screenshot them.

And we do sometimes share them publicly. And sometimes we don’t protect your anonymity, speaking for myself. Yeah.

You know, don’t stop showing up ridiculous when you are ridiculous because we want to not meet you. Yes. Good point.

I should, yeah. At the end of each episode, we answer a listener’s question. So I have a question from a listener.

And their question is about dating apps. Should unmatching etiquette be a thing? I think so. And I have some caveats.

I think if a person is hateful in any way, you don’t owe them any sort of anything. But it is within your right to tell them, to educate them if you would like to do that and let them know that that’s hateful and they are problematic in many ways. But I think it’s important to keep in mind that all of these men, even the goofy ones, are human.

And so when I’ve been talking to someone, especially if I have been talking to someone, I’m going to say, you know, I have some version of this. You know, you seem like a nice person, but I’m not really feeling the connection that I need in order to continue with this conversation. I wish you all the best and I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Some version of that. I’m sure you have something like that. You’re a little bit nicer than me, I think.

I guess depending on the depth of the conversation and the length of the conversation. For unmatching, I usually will say, thanks for your time, I’m no longer interested. And then wait a little.

I usually don’t get, I’m like, they don’t need a whole explanation. Or I’ll say something like, it’s been nice chatting with you, but I’m not interested. Wish you the best.

I usually keep it really brief. I try and, I think the reason why I say a little bit more is, well, one, I work with people who talk about how hard it is for them to date. And so I like hold their feelings pretty closely with my clients.

That’s what I’m meaning there. But I think that I do try and model what I would love for men to be able to do to women. And so I think keeping that in mind, or just like in general, not just with men, people in general, I think it’s helpful.

And then I’m not interested, I think there’s this part of dating where we can forget that the other person is a person. And saying I’m not interested makes it seem like, because I’m not interested, that they’re not worth it. And I know that’s probably me projecting myself.

That’s on them, though. Yes. Yeah, it is.

I still, it doesn’t, I literally have it saved in a notes app in my phone, so it’s not like mental energy. I copy and paste, and I’m like, it doesn’t cost me anything to do that. If they do seem like really nice, then I will, you know, I’ll say it nicely.

But that’s about it. I do think that people should, if you’ve been chatting with somebody, that you should let them know instead of just unmatching them without a word. I think if you’ve only been chatting for like, like you’ve exchanged a few messages, it’s fine to just unmatch, honestly, if they’re, unless, if it’s not like, if it’s just been like a few messages over a couple days, and it’s not really going anywhere, to just unmatch it’s fine.

Yeah, I think I would agree with that. Anybody can send us their dating questions or just like situations that they’re going for, going through that they want discussed on the podcast with me and a guest to askelisapodcast at gmail.com or through social media DMs, and I will cover them on the show. So thank you so much for joining us today, Claudia.

My pleasure. It was fun. I hope you will come back.

Will you come back? Yes, I for sure will. If you like the show, you can support us by giving a five-star rating and leaving a review wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also join the Ask Elisa community on Patreon.

The tip jar membership is just $5 a month, and you get access to exclusive content and live Q&As. Thank you for listening to Ask Elisa, the good, the bad, and the ick. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman.

This episode was produced by me and a guy I met on a dating app. Audio engineering, editing, and music by Jacob Patterson.