Ask Elisa Podcast

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Ask Elisa the Good, the Bad, and the Ick is a podcast about dating in your late 30s, 40s, and older. I’m Elisa. I found myself unexpectedly single right before my 40th birthday, and now with two years of dating under my belt.

Let’s talk about it. Today my guest is Dani. Hi Dani.

Hi. Would you please give us a little introduction into who you are? My name is Dani. I am 42 years old and I live in the Seattle area.

When it comes to dating, I firmly believe that if you choose to date, it should be part of your life and not your whole life. So before we talk about dating, let’s take a few minutes to share something about ourselves or our lives that’s exciting, that’s interesting, or that we’re happy about or proud of that has nothing to do with any romantic relationship because we are so much more than our love lives. Yeah, absolutely.

Gosh, so many things I could share about myself, but I was recently in Italy, spent two weeks there with my daughter, celebrating her turning 18 last summer, graduating, gosh, next month. And it was just such a lovely time just to have that time with me and my kiddo as travel companions and seeing her growing up and getting out into the world. It was lovely.

I’ll share that about myself. That’s wonderful. Yeah.

That’s so cool. I am somebody who doesn’t have kids, and I’m going to share that. I am really close with some kids in my life, my friend’s kids, and I have a really close family friend who I consider a sister, and her daughter and son are my niece and nephews.

All of these kids call me Tia Elisa. Oh, I love it. I love them so much.

I’m so close with them. And one thing, this is what made me think about it, is you mentioning that your daughter turned 18. Yeah.

And one of the things when I think about not having kids is I would love to experience having … this is not what most people think about when they think about having kids, having grown up kids and having adult kids in your life when you’re older. And I think that those relationships seem so cool. Yeah.

Yeah. And special. And so I know I’ll have that with my … I call the kids in my life my kids, and I know I’ll have that with them.

So I feel fortunate that I have a really fulfilling relationship with kids in my life. And so when I think about … people ask me, like, oh, do you wish you had kids? I often think about the kids that I do have in my life and how fulfilled I feel by my relationships with them. I even have them sleep over sometimes.

I’ll host a sleepover with them and their friends. And I just love being this kind of backup parent too. Yeah.

I can do things. I can be there for the parents and if they need help picking up their kids from school or shuttling them around, I’m there. And I think it’s a really special place to be.

Yeah. That’s lovely. And I mean, chosen family, absolutely.

That is real family. And I love what you said about you have your kids that you take care of and then adult kids. And I really actually felt that traveling with my daughter in Italy, it’s interesting because when you are a single parent and you’re traveling with a kiddo, typically every single decision is up to you to make.

And I felt like I’m still making a lot of decisions, but I actually had a thought partner. And also in Italy, the drinking age is 18, and just sitting with her and she’s ordering cocktails and glasses of wine because it’s exciting when you’re 18. But I was like, okay, yes, this is my adult right here.

My adult child. I know 18 is, you know, there’s still a ways to go in maturity, but she’s actually always been very emotionally mature. So it was so lovely and yeah.

You are here to share about your experience dating. And so can you first tell me like a little bit of like the chronology of your dating history? Yeah, absolutely. My daughter’s dad and I separated when she was two.

And then from then on most, most, and so 18 now, so almost 19 actually. So that’s quite a bit of time of being a single mom and, you know, having her 80% of the time, like all the time, except like every other weekend. So hardcore single mom in the middle of finishing college, you know, while working on campus and then, you know, working, working while like taking care of a child who’s not yet in elementary school and then, you know, working and then being in grad school while she was in elementary.

So, you know, just a very, very busy full life. And so that was when she was two. And then how old were you then? I would have been 25.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Which kind of predates the era you’re going for in this podcast, but of course also spans it. Yeah. But yeah, and you know, I did some dating throughout the years, you know, actually early on I was kind of in a, not really a relationship, it was just kind of a, you know, we were just hanging out on and off for, I don’t know, year, year and a half, it was so long ago now.

And then after that, you know, period of time, and this is somebody I still know in the community and like, you know, we’re on good terms with each other, you know, we don’t hang out, but, you know, yeah, good acquaintances and, you know, I’m fond of him. So that ended, it was, I kind of sat with myself for a bit and was like, you know, I think I really need to understand what I need for myself right now. For one, getting housing stable, getting financially stable, and also just kind of like settling into myself as an individual.

And from then on, you know, I would every now and then, you know, jump on an app. Actually, back in the day, it was like, okay, Cupid, you know, it’s not even an app. Dip my toe in, come out of it.

And then almost two years ago now, after this, like, you know, long period of balancing life and, you know, really coming into myself and really blossoming, I love my life and I love everything that has, that’s going on right now. But I met somebody that I am totally in love with and I’m engaged, so I’m not even like, I’m not on the apps anymore. So that’s exciting.

Yeah. So did you meet them on the apps? I did. Yeah.

Yeah. First time trying Hinge. That’s the one that works.

Oh, okay, yeah, I also met my boyfriend on Hinge. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah.

I like that one because you can interact with it in different ways. Like you can like somebody’s photo and like not have to send a message or, or you could, you know, there’s a question you can respond. You know, I, um, actually wasn’t even on it all that long, but I just liked that there were different ways you can interact.

It wasn’t necessarily about all the swiping and, you know, so. Yeah, I, I, I like Hinge as well. And I think it gets a lot of bad, uh, has a bad reputation for like having the worst people on it, but I actually think it’s just the one that the most people use.

So in my opinion, the app that the most people are on is the app you’re going to have the most success with because there’s the most options. Yeah. If you’re patient.

Yes. I got lucky though. I mean, I let my, my friend was telling me about Hinge.

I was like, I hadn’t even heard of this. So I, my, my cycle with it, with being on dating apps is like, you know, especially when summer’s coming around and I’m like, I want somebody I can hike with and, you know, like have a, have an adventure partner, you know, and I don’t have to always figure out what friend is going to do something with me or going by myself. Um, uh, so that was kind of like my cycle of like getting on an app and being like, okay, you know, try, try it out for a bit.

Maybe there’s somebody that I can like do some fun things with for a while. Um, and typically I would just get like frustrated with it and come off of it for a long time because I didn’t really need that in my life. It would have just been lovely.

Um, but yeah, no, tried Hinge and you know, uh, I think he was probably the only person I messaged on that app. It just like, it kind of just worked right away. Yeah.

So lucky me. That’s incredible. That happened to me in 2016 sort of, um, which is a funny story.

When OkCupid was the one that everybody was on in 2016, I only went out with like, I think three different people before I met the person that I was with for almost eight years. And when I first met him, I spent like a month just being like, I think I just want to be friends with him. And so we were both going on, like going on other dates and stuff.

And then I was suddenly, then it was like a really quick where I’m like, what am I thinking? This is actually a person that’s perfect for me. And then like pretty quickly we were like, okay, yeah, no, let’s be official. And then I ran into you and you had been on the dating apps recently too.

And, and I saw you and I was like, oh, that’s my boyfriend. And you were like, uh, Elisa, I, I went on a date with him. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

You know? And you were like, no, no. Like, like recently you were like, you were like concerned. Yes.

And, and I was like, no, no, I know. Because we had literally just decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend like a day before. Like, yeah, we just decided to be like, okay, you’re my boyfriend.

Like literally right before that. I’m always going to look out for my women. No, I know.

And I actually one time had an experience where I had a friend who was, had, had a boyfriend that was living with her. And I had to tell her that, by the way, I just saw him on OkCupid. So I don’t know what’s going on.

So like, so I had also like had that experience where somebody’s like, what the hell? Yeah. So, no, I appreciated that so much, but we were in like a really crowded place too. So I’m just, you were just like, kind of like, no, no, like, no, you were kind of trying to tell me and I’m just like, yeah, I know.

Was I trying to be subtle and not really being subtle? I think you were like thinking I wasn’t getting it, but I knew. And I actually think that for some reason, um, cause we, cause he and I talked like, oh, I went out with this person. I went out with that person.

And, um, and so I, when he said he went out with you, he and I were like being friends and so I was like, oh, I know, I know her. So I actually knew he’d gone out with you. So that’s why I was just like, yeah, I know.

No big deal. And you’re like, no, no, no. That is so funny.

Um, I remember that date too. And he was a sweet guy and it’s like one of those dates where you like, you went, you hang out and then nobody followed up with each other and it’s like, okay, that happened, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

No, he was just like, oh yeah, she was nice. Yeah. And he used to learn, he said he learned a lot.

I’m like, I bet you did. That is really funny. So it was when you worked where you worked when we first met each other.

And so there was a lot of information. It was kind of like an advocacy thing. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. And super passionate about that.

As you still am. Yes. So he was like, I learned a lot about this issue.

And I was like, yes, yes. I was convincing everybody to be on my side for that one. Um, yeah.

Good. Well, I’m on, I’m on your side for that. Yay.

Thanks. Um, team environment, if you’re wondering what that is, team earth, uh, without getting into details, you know? So you had the experience of, um, using the dating apps and dating as a single mom. And so one of the things I wonder, like what kinds of, uh, what kinds of assumptions, judgments did, did people like maybe acquaintances make about you versus maybe people who knew you really well, like what kinds, what did you encounter the way people interacted with your situation of being a single mom? Choosing to date.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that’s an interesting question.

Cause I’d like to say that I can answer it really clearly, but like people judge single moms about all sorts of things that I’m just like, I don’t know. I don’t know how people are judging me. I don’t really care.

I’m like that. My, my, my people, the people around me were like, yeah, go out there. Put yourself out there.

Sometimes a little bit too much. My friends are like, yeah, get yourself out there. And I’m like, no, really? I’m, I’m tired.

Um, like the people who close to, uh, close to me that love me were super supportive of it. Um, and people outside of that, I don’t know, I don’t care. You probably didn’t really share that much, right? Like didn’t, didn’t share much.

And also just got to this place of developing a thick skin around people’s judgments about me for, for any reason, for being a single mom. Um, yeah, I don’t really have a clear answer to that. Cause I, I didn’t care.

What about the men you went on dates with? Oh, that’s interesting. Um, I was always upfront about being a mom. Um, cause I would never want to like go on a date with somebody and like learn later that they have children.

Um, you know, no judgment against that, but like that, I think that’s one of the things you should be upfront about. So, um, so I was always upfront and never sharing much about it. I never included pictures of my daughter in anything.

Um, and actually that was an automatic no for me when, when men would do that, sharing pictures of their kids. It’s like, Ooh, no, I’m not looking to date your kids. What if they covered their faces? That was fine.

That was fine. Um, uh, but, but also there’s a part of me, um, that was like, you know, I want to form a relationship with a person before I form a relationship with their family, but it’s also part of their lives. So as long as his faces were covered, that was fine.

Um, but so, you know, and I would always kind of share a bit about how old my daughter was without saying much. So elementary school kid, middle school age kid, teenager. Um, so people could kind of get a sense, um, of, you know, where I was at in my parenting life.

Um, and I feel like that was a lot of self-selecting happened because of that. But I do remember this one time, like chatting with this guy on Bumble years and years ago, and, you know, we’re talking and he’s like, Hey, you want me to just go hang out after work? And I was like, Oh, well I would need to find childcare, but sure. If I can arrange that.

And he goes, Oh, sorry, I’m not interested in dating a single mom. And I was like, it says it right there in my profile. Did you not bother to read the 500 characters we’re allowed to share? And he, you know, was apologetic and then unmatched, but that was like, that’s the one experience I remember where I’m like, dude, do your basic, basic homework, read somebody’s profile.

So, um, but other than that, I found it to be pretty self-selecting. There was also another guy who was trying to meet up and I said something about needing to find childcare and he was like, bring her along. And I was like, unmatched.

Like, no, I’m sure like, you know, no, if I put judgments aside, you know, maybe he was just like, Oh, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. And like, maybe wanting to make it feel better for me, but that was also a little too weird.

Yeah. A lot of, a lot of men don’t read the profiles. It’s really frustrating when they match with you and you like say something specific in your profile that you like as a deal breaker, you don’t want.

And then you like find that specific thing about them. It’s very annoying. Yeah.

So I’m not surprised by that, but still it’s yeah. Um, did you have rules around like set, like in my already set before you actually, when you dated, you’re like, okay, these are my rules around dating as it pertained to my daughter. Oh, um, I mean, complete separation.

Um, um, so, um, you know, going out on dates, I mean, I would share information about her, but not her name or any, uh, revealing information. Um, but I mean, my main rule was, you know, I wasn’t ever opposed to ultimately introducing my child to somebody, um, if something came along, but otherwise I was dating for me. Um, so wasn’t looking for somebody to like fill any gap in the family or anything.

Um, rules. Yeah. Maybe I didn’t have any, if nothing’s coming right up, it was just the intuitive, like, you know, I’m doing this for me and like who I am as a mom is, you know, part of who I am, but also separate from my dating life.

So, um, just keeping that, keeping that separate. Um, so did you, did you ever encounter people who made assumption about what kind of role they like they would have in the kid’s life or in dating you? Did they like insert themselves in ways or, uh, make it seem like, I don’t know, you know, how, I feel like what I’ve encountered in dating that sometimes there are a lot of, um, ways that they see who you are and then make a bunch of assumptions about what you need or what you’re looking for or what you deserve and stuff. And did they, you know, how they’re always like, you deserve this and you deserve that.

I’m like, don’t tell me what I deserve. I know what I deserve. You don’t even know me.

But did they like, I don’t know, did like you being a mom, did they come in with some or a single mom? Were there like some people who came in wanting to like, be a little like heroic or like, did you encounter any little weird things like that? No, I didn’t. And I think, I think that might be because like, I, I’m trying to think like, okay, so that first, you know, year, year and a half of being single where I was, you know, kind of dating a friend, kind of openly casual, casual, um, uh, romantic friendship. If that’s a label, I don’t, we never really had a clear label for it.

That’s called a situation ship now. Oh, thank you. Okay.

Yes. A situation ship. There’s no clear label.

Yeah. Um, you know, there was never, it was always, but it was always clear that it was like, not going to be a longterm thing. Like, you know, we were not going to be raising each other’s children and this and that.

Um, and then, you know, I think I had one very brief relationship. It was at a point in my time where I’m just like going through some tough stuff and like creating companionship, intimacy, and ignored a couple of red flags. Um, and I definitely did feel from that guy a little bit of like, you know, oh, like, you know, there’s, there’s, there’s some, something here, um, that like this, this mom needs, needs some help.

I can help be a stabilizing person. But then he wasn’t stable at all. So, you know, it didn’t go well.

So I, I think that’s the only instance I can think of, but it’s also because I just wasn’t in any relationships other than that little blip of one, um, which was over 10 years ago at this point. Um, so yeah, nothing ever really got that far. Like nobody, nobody really met my kid.

So it’s like, uh, yeah. If anybody ever gave off that kind of energy, it was probably the whole, I’m not going to follow up with that person thing or let them know if they follow up with me, like, nice to meet you, but no thanks. So what did you, what did you notice if anything shifts in the dating culture or the dating scene as you got older? Cause you kind of had this, this, um, almost like 20 years, right? Like 15, 15 years of being single where you kind of like were on the scene in blips, right? So like what shifts did you notice? Uh, well, first off there was a lot of shift in the apps themselves.

Um, I mean, starting off with no apps and it’s like, okay, Cupid and match. And then, you know, and you go on the website. Yeah.

You have to like log in and get on the website and you have to write like out a big, long profile. Um, uh, I actually kind of liked it when things got shorter and tighter. Um, so changes, changes in how, how you went about it.

But I think your question more is like, you know, in terms of like the men that, you know, I was engaging with and the culture around it. Yeah. You know, mid twenties to thirties.

Um, I would say that by and large, like when in that era and even getting into the thirties, like there’s a lot of, there’s a lot of men out there who are looking for their last, you know, they wouldn’t have a kid like, you know, there was a lot of men out there who wanted to have a kid. They were trying to find their first and have a kid. I didn’t know if I wanted another kid.

And now that my kid is 18, I’m like, cool. I’m so glad that I didn’t go that path. Cause you know, it’s like hitting the reset button there.

Um, love kids. Um, but, uh, you know, it’s also nice to have an adult child now. And then there, I would say there was a shift of a lot of people exiting long-term relationships, um, with or without kids themselves.

Um, you know, either they have been in a long-term relationship or a marriage and we’re like freshly getting out there. Um, yeah, I think what I’m trying to parse out for myself here was like, was the shift with like, you know, what was going on with like the men of those ages around me, or was the shift with myself in terms of like, you know, what I was looking for, which was actually kind of sometimes different each time. Like sometimes it’s like, you know what? I think I’m ready to meet somebody.

Like I’ve, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve done my work. I’m ready to meet somebody. And then there’s nobody out there.

Um, and then I get frustrated and get off. It’s like, I just want to meet somebody to have fun with for a few months. And you know, that, you know, that I would get frustrated and come off.

So I think I, it’s, it’s hard for me to parse out. It was like, was it me that changed? Was it the, the people around me? Was it the apps themselves? It’s all a progression of the age groups that you were seeing. Exactly.

Exactly. So it’s probably all of the above. So I’m just kind of like verbally processing that.

But, um, but I, I would say I did notice a bit more, um, um, I’d say probably maturity, you know, as, uh, I, uh, as, as I got older and the men I was talking to were older too, I was hardly ever interested in dating anybody younger than me. So, yeah, it’s kind of a really messy answer to that question. I mean, I don’t think there’s a, there’s, it’s, that wasn’t a very clear-cut question, right? Yeah, totally.

Um, so when you were dating, especially like this last, the most recent time that you went on the apps when you met your fiance, um, what did you need to know before you would go on a first date with someone? Oh, by that time, not much, actually. When I was much younger, I was, I was much more like, I want, I need to, we need to be able to talk online a bit. You know, I need to know a little bit about you before I’m just going to go meet some stranger from the internet.

And as you know, and, and evolving to like the most recent time that I was like on an app, it’s just more like, I really just want to get out and meet somebody, have a cup of coffee. There’s so, so little that you can really learn from somebody. Now, if I’m chatting with, I need to know that they carry a conversation.

That’s the biggest thing. Like if we are on, uh, chatting on the app and you’re not asking me a single question and I’m having to carry the conversation, I don’t want to meet with you. That sounds really dull.

Yeah. Sounds like a lot of work, frankly. So I need to know you can carry a conversation.

Um, uh, and, and that we have some shared interests, like, you know, what is it that we’re chatting about? Are we finding things that we would maybe want to do together someday? So, but I got to the point where I was like, you know, I really just want to get out of the house for a bit, go have a cup of coffee, meet somebody new. Maybe it’s, maybe I just meet them once. Um, you know, and then that’s fine.

Um, so yeah. And you literally matched with one person. Yeah.

And that’s your fiance now, this last round of, that’s so crazy. I know. I mean, after like a decade of a half of matching with many, many people and none of them working out.

So, okay. So when I became single, um, I’ve, you’ve, you’ve listened to my earlier podcast episode. So, you know, I went out with 45 men before number 45 becoming my boyfriend.

Yeah. And so I was like, there is so much hit and miss. Like it’s, so honestly, okay.

How big of a difference is there in you and me as like a person in the early forties and, you know, we have similar kind of like look and feel, I would say like kind of, I would say, you know, we seem to have similar values and like, so we have a lot of similarities I think as like a statistic. Yes. And so I just like this, to me, this reinforces the randomness.

Yes. And just how much just random luck plays into it. Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I think of the random luck it took to like meet somebody like just out in the real world.

Exactly. I feel like people like either meet in college or they meet online. Yeah.

Well now officially dating apps is the number one way people meet and get together. And it used to be introduced by friends. Yeah.

Oh, interesting. I tried that too. Um, I did try.

I actually like, oh gosh, this was, this was a while ago, but I did once put it out there, like on social media, like put me on their friends. Like I want to be out. I want to be out there.

Like I’m sick of the apps. I have done my, my, my work. I want to be out there.

I want to be meeting people. I want to find somebody. And it didn’t really work all that well.

Like I got introduced to, um, I remember one person I was introduced to. Gosh, yeah, no, it didn’t really work that well. I think part of it is because my friends know how particular I am.

Yeah. I, people would say like, well, do you want friends to introduce you? I’m like, no, I like, I know my friends and they don’t know any, they don’t, you know, if somebody, I don’t need to go out there and ask people to find people for me and I, I like, like I said before, I like the apps for the ability to, to filter and just, you know, you, and when you said, I’m just like looking to get out and have coffee with someone, that is kind of like my philosophy for, for healthy dating mindset. Like you do not, you’re not like, I need to get out there.

I need to meet someone. I need to meet the one I need to meet. You know, you’re just like, I’m just going to put myself out there and enjoy, enjoy meeting a person, you know, I, I think that if you put less, less emphasis on finding, meeting this end result, you’re just going to be so much better off and you’re going to enjoy the journey better and you’re going to appreciate people more as opposed to like, I’m, I want, I’m looking for someone to choose me, I’m looking to find someone I want to choose.

I think that you, maybe that that helped you attract the right person. Maybe, I don’t know. I’m not really a spiritual person.

Or maybe it was random. Maybe it’s totally random. It is random.

I, I 100%. But the more you put yourself out there, the more likely something random like that is going to happen. Exactly.

That’s how statistics work. Yes. Yes.

True. Do you have a master’s degree? I do, yes. And that’s the same thing about like you choosing the app that has the most people on it in your area.

Like, so when people ask me like, what dating app should I use? What dating app do you think is the best? I say research what dating app is most used in your area and maybe also by the age group that you’re looking for. And also just jump on one and see if you like it. Are you seeing men that are interesting to you? Are you matching with people? Um, if you get through it and you’re just like, oh gosh, that was not a great experience and that’s probably not the right one to use.

Yeah. So, and, and these things evolve throughout the years too, in terms of who is on it and who’s using what. So.

OkCupid is insane now. It still exists. Yes.

It’s terrible. The app is horrible. Oh, they have an app.

It’s an app. Yeah. It was an app when I used it in 2016, but you can still also use the website.

Okay. I have heard, I heard people who use OkCupid say they only use the website because the app is so bad, but I just like, it’s just super intense. And you know, OkCupid, I liked it before because it seemed like more people were using it and taking the time to fill out the questionnaires.

And so it would give you like a percentage of the questionnaires. But I think because of the abundance of dating apps and the abundance of options, people don’t fill them out completely. And if, if you don’t answer a lot of the questions and you answer like, say, say I filled out a hundred questions and somebody filled out five and all of their five were the same five.

I also filled out those five and we filled those out correctly. We would be a hundred percent match. Oh, but one person put in a lot more effort than the other.

So that, that, so I would get like 97% match with like just, you know, jaw-droppingly intensely horrible, scary profiles. Yikes. Oh my gosh.

So I really wish that I had screenshot the horrible profiles earlier. I started doing it eventually and I still have all the screenshots. And it’s, it’s useful for when I’m with my new creative project in this podcast.

That’s awesome. It is. I, I encourage people to screenshot and send them to me.

Another thing I wanted to ask you about is when you, maybe, what was it like when you met your fiance? Did you feel like immediate sparks? Was it immediate? Like, Oh wow, this is really something. No. Um, I mean, there’s part of me that’s like, you know, I was, it was definitely feeling of like, Hey, this guy could be a romantic interest or he could be a friend.

You know, I, I like hanging out with him. Um, our first date we had breakfast together, um, and had good conversations. So we went for a walk in a park together and ended up hanging out for quite a while.

So, um, I’m not really like an immediate sparks kind of person. I’ve never really felt that with anybody. And of course I’ve also shared that I haven’t had that many relationships at all.

Um, but, um. You’ve gone on first dates. I’ve gone on first dates and I’ve never felt sparks like that.

Um, and yeah, but I’ve, but I’ve had, I’ve had conversations where I’m like, this person’s cool. And I actually have friends from, uh, from dating. Um, you know, going on a date with somebody and be like, Oh, this isn’t a romantic interest for me, but you know, we should absolutely be friends.

Um, so no, I didn’t, I didn’t feel sparks. Um, but, but we had really great conversation. So, um, no, there, there was nothing in me that was like, this is the one.

Or, or the potential to be the one it was more like, okay, you know, go out, meet somebody, meet a new person and then be hung out again and again. And, and both now we’re getting married. So I love that because I feel like, did you get, um, rejection rejections? I say that lightly.

Um, people express that they’re not interested and say, I didn’t feel any sparks to you. Like, I like, Oh, probably. Um, yeah, I, I, I’m sure.

I’m sure somebody said that at some point, uh, it’s, it’s just kind of a cliche thing to say, but I’m like that. I never feel sparks. So, okay.

Like, what are you looking for? I didn’t really feel like I, I think either. I can only think of. There are a few dates that I’ve gone on where I felt like that kind of sparks chemistry a little bit.

And that I think is like attraction. And there is like, you know, sometimes you just have that, but it isn’t. And my, my thought is like, it’s not real information.

It’s just like your body kind of reacting. Yeah. Okay.

So that’s not what I think of when I think of sparks. Like I, I mean, I can definitely like be like, wow, that, that guy looks good. You know? But for me, that’s not sparks.

And that’s not like, Ooh, there’s something here for, for me, the term sparks means like, you know, I’ve met my soulmate. Like this is the one. And like, you know, stars in the eyes and everything.

But to me, that’s different than like a physical attraction. Well, like for me, I don’t, I can say like, Oh, that person is good looking, but I won’t feel attracted to them just based on looks. I can, I cannot.

Oh yes. Yeah. So, so I’ve like been like, Oh, this is a nice looking person.

And I sit down with them and we have like really great conversation. I’ll like build some attraction and like, and you can like, they’re kind of smiling and you’re kind of smiling and you feel kind of smitten a little bit. And I thought that hardly ever happened.

Yeah. I actually could only think of like one or two times where that happened. Neither of them went past three dates.

You know, I wonder for myself too, like I’ve never felt sparks. I wonder also, I mean, maybe that’s a self-protection mechanism. Like, you know, I was in a not so great relationship for a while in my early years.

Like, so I wonder if there’s a self-protection mechanism for myself to be like, to kind of like be like, no, that’s not a thing. Like you have to actually really know. But I’ve also heard that sometimes it’s a nervous system reaction when something is familiar.

And like, sometimes it’s like maybe not a good sign because it can be you developing, you creating attachment when you shouldn’t be. Yeah. And so maybe it’s a sign that your nervous system is more regulated.

Let’s go with that. Yes. That you’re not like, you’re not like suddenly like, Ooh la la.

You’re just like, Oh, good person. Yeah. So you’re like calmly like, I will like to see them again.

Yeah. That’s nice. I think that for the most part I am like that.

But then when did you, how, how far into it did you start to feel like really like get some excitement about them? Or did you feel excited? Like, I am excited to see them again, but like. I feel excited right away. Like the first date I was just like, Oh, that’s great.

And of course, you know, I’m jumping, jumping into the app. Like, okay, I want to have somebody to go hiking with this summer. So like even that type of excitement, like, Oh, you know that this could, I had no idea of what it could be, but I was like, okay, this could be something, you know, that could, that, that, that reaches my goal of having at least an adventure buddy.

Right. And so, so there was excitement right away, but also cautious excitement on my part. He was definitely the first to say, I love you.

And it took, it took a little bit more time for me to warm up and settle in with my feelings. But I would say I felt excited right away. But the excitement evolves when I was like, Oh, this is actually exceeds my goals.

So it’s a nice thing. And I, and this is, this is something a lot more than what I was initially looking for, but it’s something that I have always not felt like I’ve needed, but have been open to the possibility of it happening like a, a forever love. Yeah.

So it sounds like you didn’t really go through any of the phases of like, I’m never going to meet someone like, kind of like that despair around romance or did you just kind of like, it’s fine. I think I’d probably had times like that. I mean, especially going through, like, you know, when you, when you leave a relationship where you have a child with somebody, like there’s this expectation that like, Oh, I was going to have a family.

And, you know, I, that’s not what I was looking for was like somebody to kind of step in and be a father figure and like having that nuclear family. But like there were, there were definitely moments of just feeling like very, very alone. But that, I think, you know, part of that has to do with like, you know, the dating market where we live and, you know, not finding people that I’m like clicking with.

But part of that was just like the experience of being a single mom and, you know, going through life. So I’m sure I had moments where I was just like, I’m not going to find anybody. And this, this is, this is my, my reality.

But also just turning that around and being like, and that can actually be fine and actually quite awesome. I can just establish myself as an individual, you know, an individual with a, you know, a, a kiddo and work on myself. As I was talking about earlier, work on getting my life together, my career, my home, my finances, all of that.

And I don’t need somebody else there to help me with that. But there, but I’ve definitely had moments of like the, the emotional part of it of like, wouldn’t it be nice? And I’m not finding it easily. So haven’t had my random moment yet of like that one date that was the, the last first date.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I’m happy that you met somebody on the apps and that it’s worked out for you and that you’re engaged.

I think that it is something that can maybe bring hope to people who want to find a romantic connection through the apps and are feeling a bit hopeless. But as we’ve established, it’s all pretty random. Yep.

And we’ve also said you can’t meet somebody if you don’t put yourself out there. Yeah. And so I think that for, for my guidance, for anybody who is wanting romantic connection to really work on not making it this end goal where their life will be better and focus on building your life for yourself the way you want it and nurture your own life so that your happiness doesn’t depend on whether you find that person or not.

That’s actually quite an attractive thing. Yeah, I do. I think that, you know, if you are building a good life for yourself, like that will be something that the right person is going to think, dang, that’s cool.

Yeah, absolutely. They’re doing cool stuff with their life and I want to support that. I want to be part of that and I want to share the cool stuff I’m doing with that person.

And so being able to build a life that does not depend on that romantic connection is just going to make you a stronger human. Yeah. And put yourself out there and take breaks when you need to.

I always thought about apps as like, kind of like shopping at Goodwill, where you’re like, no, no, no, maybe I could try it on, you know, this one smells a little funny, but you have to go through a lot of things before you find the blouse you really, really like. Yes, I think that’s a good, a really great way to put it and I’m going to steal that. Oh, please do.

I think that’s such a good analogy because, and I usually say like, you know, you’re looking for something very special and very particular and it’s not going to be a connection with just anybody. Also, that other person is looking for something very specific and very personal and cater, like based on them and who they are as a whole human. And as you get older, there’s more to that humanness too.

And so you may find people who are great and that you’re attracted to, but maybe your lives don’t quite align and that’s okay. You’re really, you know, you don’t want to force anything. And so it’s going to be a hard thing to find because it’s, it’s special.

It’s not something that you just find everywhere. So it is going to take some time. That’s how I’ve been explaining it, but the Goodwill kind of like thrift store idea, that is, that’s genius, Dani.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before. It’s all yours. You should copyright it.

No, no, no, no, no. It’s out there in the world. You use it.

Everyone use it. Yeah. No, it’s mine now.

It’s mine. One of the things that we do in Ask Alisa is we take a question from a listener. Or a social media follower.

And this is from a TikTok follower. And their question is, after being single and divorced for a while now, I feel ready to start dating, but my kids don’t want me to. What would you advise in this situation? I specifically chose this question for you as a mom who dated.

Yeah. And it’s such a great question too. And it really is going to depend a lot on your kiddos.

You know, how old are they? Do you live in a small community where people talk and they could, you know, learn about something that you maybe didn’t share with them? So there’s a lot of different factors in play here. But especially if your children are younger. When I was dating when my kiddo was younger, and actually up until the current relationship that I’m in.

Well, I’ll share a little story on that. But I didn’t share about my dating life with my daughter. You know, it was going out with a friend, doing this and that.

It was just something, as I talked about earlier, that was a separate part of my life. And not to hide anything from her. I never lied to her or anything.

But, you know, I just feel like it’s a tough time to be a young person. And I am the grounding, stable person in her life that, you know, makes everything okay for her. And I didn’t want to introduce anything for her that would make her feel unstable in any way.

Or that, you know, that she might have to compete with somebody. So I actually just didn’t share anything about my dating life with my daughter. There was a time where I was dating a guy for a couple months who never turned into a relationship or something.

And one of my friends said something in front of my daughter. And she was like, what? And, you know, that had to be smoothed over a little bit. So those kind of things can happen also.

But it really depends on your kiddos. In the relationship that I have right now with my fiancé, actually, so I met him almost a couple years ago. My daughter would have been, I guess, about to turn 17 when we first met.

And, you know, I had gone on a couple of dates with him. And then me and her wouldn’t go see a movie. It was when Miyazaki’s films were popping up in the theaters because of the anniversary.

But then she got sick. So she couldn’t come to the movie anymore. So I asked him if he wanted to go.

And he said, yeah. And this is very, very early. This was probably date three or four.

I don’t actually remember. But very early. And I said to my daughter, oh, I found somebody to go with me.

And she goes, who? And I don’t lie to my daughter. And I probably could have handled this well, but I wasn’t prepared. So I just said, none of your business.

And so, of course, she knows. She’s like, are you going on a date? And I was like, yes, I’m going on a date. Like, don’t worry about it.

It’s, like, something very, very new. And she was just like, mom, you – she actually had such like a – you know, we were just talking about, like, the adult children thing. And, of course, she’s almost 17, so not quite an adult.

But she was just like, mom, you know, I do want to know that these things are happening for you because I don’t want to be surprised by anything. And what happens if you go on many dates with him and then you fall in love and then I come into the picture? Like, that doesn’t feel right to me. And so that’s why I say, like, the age of the children also matters in that situation.

And also, you know, when she was younger, she did not want me to date at all. And she was also just kind of an asshole to all of my male friends. Like, and I actually – you know, in our recent conversation a couple years ago with, you know, the relationship I’m in now, you know, I shared that with her.

And I was like, look, sweetie, this is why I don’t share this information with you. It’s because, like, you know, you haven’t wanted this for me, but I want it for myself. And she’s like, well, mom, I want you to be happy.

So it ended up being, like, a really sweet conversation with her. But all this is to say is, like, it depends on your kids. It depends on the age of your kids.

But you don’t have to share every part of your life with your children. But, of course, take that cautiously because you also don’t want information to get out there and then they feel in some way hurt or betrayed, you know. And also, like, parenting is messy at times.

And that might happen. But incomplete advice, but some personal life experience there. No, I think it was great.

The only thing I would add is I would try to get some more information from your kids. Like, ask why. Find out why they don’t want you to date.

And see if there are some concerns they have that you can address. And maybe make them feel better about it. And, yeah, I agree.

You don’t need their permission and you don’t need to tell them. But I think it is nice to try to understand where they’re coming from. Absolutely.

So that, you know, if you do and then something happens, like with your friend mentioning it in front of your daughter, if they do find out, they may feel betrayed. And, you know, especially if you’ve gone through a divorce with their father, who knows what kind of wounds that they’re, you know, what they’re dealing with, what they’re recovering from. We don’t really know a lot about this person’s story.

So I think really trying to have some conversations with them to figure out where they’re coming from. And, you know, if they’re really little, I can imagine. I have a funny story.

I used to nanny when I was in college. And these two little kids, a brother and sister, and the boy was maybe six. And he was really – he could read really well.

Like, he started reading. He taught himself to read. And so he would read everything around him, like encyclopedias, like everything.

And the little sister was four. And they were talking about how they went to a wedding. And so there I am, like their 22-year-old babysitter.

And I was like, well, maybe one day you’ll come to my wedding. And the little boy said, well, Elisa, I mean, I guess you can get married. But just be sure to marry a man without any sperm.

That stuff’s dangerous. I was shocked. And then the little sister goes, what’s sperm? That is so funny.

And he goes, sperm is the liquid needed to create babies. Oh, my God. That is so funny.

And so the reason why he didn’t want me to get married is he didn’t want me to have a baby. Yeah. And so his, you know, and I said, why don’t you want me to have a baby? And this six-year-old little boy says, babies are annoying.

All they do is cry. So, like, this was his concern was coming from this, you know, very, very little kid place. And so I think that, you know, what if they’re just like, yeah, well, I saw this one, maybe they saw a show where, like, a mom had a boyfriend and that boyfriend was mean.

And so, like, maybe you could find some examples of really awesome boyfriends to show them or something else, you know, like, or tell them what, you know, your rules are going to be. Or, you know, just like you can either choose maybe, maybe transparency is the better choice for your relationship with your kids. But I think having some curiosity about where they’re coming from could help you navigate the situation.

Yeah, you know, and even if the concern coming from the kiddos is, you know, we don’t want to be replaced, you know, we don’t want the love that you have for us to go anywhere else. That’s a great conversation, too, in terms of, like, you know, for one, like, the difference between, like, motherly love for her children and that there’s more love to give. Love grows.

Like, there’s not a limited supply of love. But also just affirming your relationship as their mother, you’re always going to be there for them. So, no, I think your approach is great, Elisa.

I sort of had that advice many years ago. That’s why they call me Tia, Elisa. Don’t have kids, but can still give the advice.

I did have, you know, work a lot with little kids, just talking about relationships a lot. And I hope that, you know, sharing these kinds of stories on a podcast can help people deal with. That’s why I have listener questions.

I really like having listener questions. And I hope that more people can send them in their dating dilemmas or just whatever kind of dating questions they have. You can send them to AskElisaPodcast@gmail.com or send them through social media, direct messages, and we’ll cover them on the show.

So, thank you so much for coming on the show, Dani. Thanks for having me. This was super fun.

Yeah, maybe you’ll come back sometime. I would love that. Yes.

If you like the show, you can support us by giving a five-star rating and leaving a review wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you for listening to Ask Elisa, the good, the bad, and the ick. I’m your host, Elisa Sparkman.

This episode was produced by me and a guy I met on a dating app. Audio engineering, editing, and music by Jacob Patterson.